I am dealing with depression.

I am NOT depressed.Depression, IS NOT me.

I am Alisha. I am a wonderful mother. My children are smart, healthy and happy. I have a roof over my head, my children have never had to starve, my husband works hard out of love for our family.

I wake up in the morning, myself, and whole.

Somewhere around 11am, at least three days a week, something happens to me. It's like I'm skipping through my morning, dancing with my munchkins and all of a sudden, BAM, I fall into a hole.

A dark hole.

A deep hole.

It feels like sinking sand. Once I find myself there, the more I struggle, the deeper I seem to get.

I am no longer able to see the light I've been carrying around with me all morning. I find myself irritable, grouchy and immature when dealing with my children. Yes, I've even yelled. Then hated myself for yelling and fell even deeper into the hole. For a while, I'd give in to the desire for seclusion and hide myself away. After a bit, I'd calm down and be able to half-ass myself through the rest of the day. Never really feeling whole again. Always knowing that I still had one leg trapped in that pit.

Then I started to recognize this behavior. I had called myself on this sort of thing once before. With my second daughter I struggled through post partum depression. That hole I had been falling in lately, was Depression. back with a vengeance. That person sitting inside that hole was not me. The feelings were being carried out through my body, but that was not me. It was not right.

Once I was able to recognize this, I started taking steps to help myself out of the hole. When I need to, I walk away. I do not hide, but I do give myself the space I need to find myself again. The more patient I am with myself, the less time this takes. It hasn't stopped me from falling into the hole, but it's helped to get me out of it sooner. To hate myself a little less for being there in the first place.

After some research I've come to realize that the catalyst for the growth of this dark hole has been/is my current form of birth control. It is not the source, but it's definitely magnifying things ten times over. I considered talking to my doc and getting put on something, but that's just a temporary band aid. So on Monday, I'm going to call to have this thing removed from my arm. Hubby and i will have to discuss non hormonal alternatives.

As for the underlying cause, I will continue to work through it with writing and meditation. I know that once this is gone, the remaining issues are in my control.

I am 23 years old. 15 of those years were filled with abuse, drugs, alcohol and abandonment.

 I know that my parents mistakes are not my mistakes.

I know that I am worth more than what I had been told.

I know that I am strong. I know that a crappy past is NO excuse for the destruction of your own present and future.

I know that I am a good mother.

I know that I am a good woman.

I know that I am a good person.

I believe that I am all of these things.

I know that Depression is not me. That I am separate from it.

I know that I can overcome this. I know that I will overcome this.

Depression is not me. I am not Depression.

It is a hole that I intend to fill.


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Nov. 8, 2010 at 2:29 AM

Wow. You are very strong and I commend you for your ability to deal with this. I've dealt with various forms of depression and I know how horrible it can be. You are amazing to be able to recognize it and have some sort of control over it,well, not control, but the ability to will yourself out of it. Two thumbs up!you rock

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 4:31 PM

Best of luck to you on your journey. I hope that you are able to inspire many.

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 10:33 PM

Thank you for writing this.

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