We had tried to get pregnant for about a year and in that year I lost my mother in Oct. 2009....We found out we would be blessed with a child on the first of July 2010 and I was at 8weeks along in my pregnancy.

I wished for nothing more then my mom to be here and enjoy her grand baby but to my surprise mom was showing up in my dreams and when I was four months along I had a few recurring dreams of her crying, shaking her head no as I was giving birth but never did I take that as a "sign" from her as something she was trying to warn me about. The next month when it was time to find out if we would have a son or daughter was when I put everything together. I was so broken up inside that I felt like I was literally going to die, the pain for this baby I loved so much in such a short time took me by surprise. Having to then tell my family who also already loved this baby hurt even more because seeing there pain over what we new would be the hardest part of life we had ever dealt with just broke me. In the weeks to come I tried to learn what had went wrong to bring this tragedy into our happy, loving family and found a few places her within Cafemom were I could find support. I started to journal my pain onto paper and that to was a great realise. My husband and I talked and included the kids as much as they wanted to be and together we will heal. On SaterdayNov 6th 2010 we were blessed with our son Ethan Daniel, he was so tiny but the short time we had with him will never be forgotten by any of us. The three doctors I had seen over the weeks all said he would be born still birth but his love for us made him stronger then any of us new such a small child could could be born with. He was born alive and lived for 9hrs, I just could not put my child down and kept him with me every single moment. Ethan brought so much joy to mommy in those hours and even though they told me that the couple movements I saw were only reflexes I feel like his holding onto my pinkie was his way of letting me no just how much he loved us all. I have to admit his movement made me jump both times from not expecting that and the joy my heart got from the touch. Our son passed away on Sunday Nov. 7th at 4:05 am but I still could not put him down and he stayed in my arms until my family came to the hospital at 9am to say there goodbye's. My husband n kids love this little member of our family just as much as I do and seeing my husband break down hurt me but I was also feeling relief not to be alone in this. I have a great man at my side and our children are truly blessed with a great father! My love has grown.....When it came time for our boy to be taken to the funeral home I had it set up for them to come get our boy from my room. I could not bare having my child placed in the hospital morgue. I had my husband take the kids to the car and drive around to pick me up at the hospitals front exit so that I would not loose it in front of my kids as I new was about to happen when I had to place Ethan in the case to have him carried out. It took me four times of picking him back up and just holding, kissing, giving him the last bit of love I could before he was no longer able to be touched by him mommy. The nurses n even the funeral guy were all hugging me as I sobbed and lost the fight to stay on my feet. I truly thought my grief would make me have a heart attack! I sure felt like my heart would just explode inside me.....  I waited a few moments to get myself together and let the guy get away from me so that I would not change my mind and try to take my boy home in my pocket because let me tell you "it crossed my mind". Not sure what I would of done after that! Lol  ~smile~ Now I'm back at home to heal and remember ever blessed moment I did have with our child. I have no dought my pain will stay with me forever but will get easier as the years pass and we will have more children to love but our Ethan is always a part of us and this family. He is forever loved by us all.......Pictures did not go in order but the belly pic is at 8wks, Pic of me n hubby at 4months, pic of me was last prego pic at 5months(other then a couple belly pics the day before I left for hospital for myself) and then the family pic of the 5 of us is also here. I wish my family could of made it before Ethan passed away but the love is the same regardless of when they were able to join us.

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 1:18 PM

I voted popular so EVERYONE could read your story.I am at a loss of words.Ur family is in my thoughts and prayers

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 2:45 PM


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Nov. 8, 2010 at 3:20 PM

I'm sorry for your loss....

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family!!

Ethan Daniel is a beautiful name!

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 3:22 PM

Still praying for you! So glad you were blessed with that time with him.

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 4:21 PM

I'm sorry...our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 4:46 PM

Keep up the journaling hun....thanxs for sharing ur story....very heartwrenching with all that u n the family are goin thru....i'm here for ya hun n again sorry for ur loss...luv ya n big hugs

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 5:06 PM

your story brought a tear to my eye. stay strong, hun!

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 5:08 PM

sorry for your loss...they took my baby out immidetley they wouldn't let me see him til they brought him back and he was still warm :*( My heart goes out to u!

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 5:50 PM

I'm so so sorry!!! I posted in your other journal as well. Thank you so much for sharing little Ethan's story with us!!! I am blessed for having read it. As difficult as this has been, I'm sure that writing about it and sharing pictures brings you some healing. I'm praying for you and your family. I got tears reading your story and I wish I could say something that would make everything all better. I'm just glad that you got to hold him for 9 hours. What a blessing and comfort that must have been to you!! I know he felt your love during that time. Stay strong Mama!! ((Hugs))

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Nov. 8, 2010 at 7:49 PM

I had two miscarriages in 2007 and your story breaks my heart. I pray God will bless you and your family.

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