Journey back to ME.

My battle with stress, and anxiety.

First off thanks for your comments to my last Journal entry. It's great to know that I still have support.

I have to say I'm not sure what is going on with my group. I seem to get some great people in there but as soon as they join they are gone. :( I know groups are like that but how can I help support others if they don't  give the group a chance. They aren't even posting. I pour my heart, soul, and life in to that group. I felt if others were as lost, alone, and full of fear as I was with panic, anxiety, and stress then they would want to stay in my group.

I guess they prefer a loose nit group one that has more in it.. I guess there is something about being in a group that has more in it. Who knows.. so I am feelin down about it. I do thank you all that have helped promote my group. I have a few that have shared in the group and I am thankful of that. I have also found that others aren't as real as they seem. That is a huge upset ...I hoped in a year that it would have more then 23 people in it... :(

I am also very down and depressed about the holidays. I tried to venture out yesterday keeping a positive outlook about making it to an outlit mall just 30 miles away.. I got about 6 miles alway and the anxiety was tooo much.  It's my first run but I really felt like I could do it yesterday. my mom is on my case about Thanksgiving though I thought we had the understanding that my last cookout a few weeks ago would help us through till next year.. she's always trying and I don't blame her but it makes me feel like crap when I can't make it.

I'm still caged in this town for the most part.. and just when I think my family is starting to understand ... I'm wrong.

I've been pouring out a bit of my life in a group I am a mod in..

I found that is more embrassing then it was rewarding though someone in the group thought it was a great idea to post more personal things.

Ive been doing that for the most part.. but it seems funny photo's and silly questions get the most replies..

So.. I'm again at a point where I am torn.. Fall does this to me.. I'll get over this hump I'm sure of it.. just will take time. I'm also lost now that I only work 3 days a week instead of 5 days. Its hard to adjust to less days. I miss the intereaction with my co workers and the public..:(

Ok.. well I'm done rambling..

I'm going to leave my group tag here to click if you want to join.:)

I hope you do if you have any kind of anxeity, panic, stress, depression, or feel as if life is bigger then you.  maybe I'll see you there.. :)

Thanks for reading..

Click this to join..:)

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Nov. 9, 2010 at 12:04 PM

Do you get the winter blues? I do sometimes and Fall leads into winter so I kind of used to get the "Fall Blues". You will make it to that mall. Just takes time and patience. I wish your mom was a little more understanding for you.

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Nov. 9, 2010 at 12:10 PM

I do get the winter blues and up it starts with fall.

When the season changes it is as if I am changing to..:(

till spring.

Thanks for your support..:) Your a great friend to have..

and .. I wish my mom was more understanding but then again I feel bad for her..

my brother lives in FL and he comes to Iowa every 5 yrs or so.. and my gram passed 3 yrs ago so my mom just has me and my step dad..

and .. I use to be there all the time.

Now I hit that wall.. but I will some time .. :)

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Nov. 9, 2010 at 12:16 PM

I'm sorry. ;(

I think on the group that the nature of the issues people are dealing with probably keep them from coming and posting -- do you know what I mean? The illnesses in themselves lend one to NOT be forthcoming. And, so...I think people may be "visiting" but for whatever reason aren't "engaged" in the group.

I'm not sure what you could do about it...other than offering to have people join (as you are doing). I do know that when someone has a group they have to be active in the group DAILY. Do you go into the group daily and post things, do you send out Bulletin's to let the group members know what's happening? Are you "friends" with all your group members and do you post comments on their journals and in their Chatterboxes? I think maintaining a friendly relationship with each person is important in  them "wanting" to help and be a part of the group. Do you ask your group member to support the group by coming in at least once a week and posting and to invite others to the group? Do YOU promote the group by using your "click-able tag" on ALL emails and signatures in other groups? Are you getting the word out there that there IS a group like yours accepting members? Are you making journals each week to let others know about the group? Do you have any games or journals that people want to come back to see....something that they WILL come back to check on? 23 is a good's not "high"...but, it's good. I hope  you can promote the group and get more members though...since that is what you want! Good Luck!!

Hmmm, the Holidays and Thanksgiving. What does your Mom want you to do for Thanksgiving? Couldn't you and your family go there for a few hours that day? Your DH could could just chill and enjoy the day. And...if she wants to come to your house...aren't you cooking a Turkey that day? Invite her!

I know you will be able to make the trip to the Outlet Mall. Maybe tell yourself it isn't that far...pretend you are on your way to work...that a child is hurt and needs you there...whatever it takes - -  you know?

I hope you will work something out about the Holidays. When you have spent time with your seem to really enjoy it. I don't know that your Mom doesn't understand...maybe she just saw you as being "fine" the last time she was there and thought you'd progressed further? I do think your family understands...but, like with most family (and friends)....they only remember and understand things that effect them know? People (in general) aren't that concerned about what is "really" going on in your life (in another person's life, I mean). JMO. ;-) A lot of times...others are dealing with their  OWN issues.

If you are bored staying home on your days off...go out...Volunteer at the local Hospital, the Library, a local Soup Kitchen, a Church...there are MANY opportunities for you to get out and enjoy life!

Good Luck! I think you are doing great!  couple of minor set-backs aren't going to keep you from moving FOWARD!

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 9:26 AM

Oh my friend,

    I do understand. I have been having a harder time right now, but I am looking foward to a trip to WY to see my best friend whom I have not seen in 15 years. The only thing that has me really anxious about the trip is getting on the plane and Brian is going to stay with me until I board and I am going to take one of my anxiety pills and I will Pray for strength and I know GOD will be with me and that everything will be fine.

    SO, that is what I am going to tell you, Pray, take each day one at a time, look foward to the days you are going to work and see your co-workers. Don't worry about Thanksgiving, it is to far away anyways! Have a frank discussion with your mom in a loving tone and tell her that you can only do what you can do one day at a time and that if she can not understand that then there is nothing you can do about that because in all reality, there is not!

     Talk with your therapist too, let him or her know how you are feeling right now. ask for pointers on how to get through it, that is what I do, I think it is what we all have to do!

    I think we all have different types and different levels of anxiety disorders but it all boils down to the same thing, sometime you just can not do and that is just the way it is so please do not beat yourself up about it, just go on to the next thing the next day and try again, GOD IS THERE AND HE WILL BE THERE ALWAYS!

Love you my friend, Carrie

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 10:34 AM

I'm sorry your having a hard time, we all hit those rough patches but it's the work we do to get through it that pays off, Hugs and luck to you, keep doing the best you can and remember the glass is hareindeer 2lf full.''That helps me look up instead of down'

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 5:25 PM

I think maybe you need to look at the group isnt that your group ONLY has 23 is that there are 23 people that are helping each other out and being there for each other...quite a difference.  There are ALREADY 23 people in your group.  that is awesome and i commend you for creating it and letting others in.....

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Nov. 12, 2010 at 9:31 AM

YOu are right.. It's not my group.. its a group that gets me through the day!!

A group that I created so that I could we could help one another through the tough times..

I'm sorry .. Your right!!

I should have put that different.

To me it's all the feelings I had come rushing foward when I first had this hit hard. It wasn't till after I fought and spring came that I began to gain ground.

It was the support of others on here... friends that I had few but they understood..

and .. The group I created.. I felt if I could help just one person through this even though I am still fighthing then it was worth it.. IF I could show them they aren't alone.. as I felt and sometimes feel at times.. though very rare..

I know now that I am not Crazy.. but I know others are still out there that have this that think that is just it.. they are crazy..

Sadly ... there is litte awareness about this .. and so many suffer from it.

So... many fail to understand and many believe it's just fake..

Thanks for your comments.. Thanks for your words, and support.. :)

This day was a bad day for me.. and I have these still once in a while..

Guilt has a way of eating away at me.. more during the holiday seasons .. and It makes me miss my family more.. :)

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