How do you ever get past it?

When I was 19 I met Brian.  At first, I thought he was perfection.  I thought we'd be in love forever.  I was so wrong.  He manipulated me so much from the start and was emotionally abusive throughout our entire relationship. On a weekly basis, I would find random texts on his phone from other girls, multiple yahoo screen names, I even found information for an adult friend finder account.  I always confronted, he always denied.  I always thought that he really did love me because I was bearing his child. Once our first daughter was about 3 months old though it turned physical.  I'll never forget the first night he hit me. He convinced me to let his yahoo friend, Kayla, come over and hang out.  She was actually really cool.  Little did I know, he thought me and her would hook up, which would result in a 3some.  We drank all night, watched a movie, got to know eachother . . . but she left, no hook up happened.  He got really mad.  I'll never forget the look in his eyes and the tone in his voice, he was yelling about what a disappointment I was to him.  While standing on my balcony smoking a cigarette, crying about everything he just screamed about, he opened the screen door and slapped me right in the face, walked back into the bedroom, locking the door behind him.

That just opened the doors to the next 4 years of my life.  Anytime he had a bad day, something wasn't done to his liking, we argued, I talked back, whatever, he would hit me, kick me, push me, hold me down, grab me - and a lot of times it ended with him forcing sex on me and when he would finish, he usually spit on me and told me to always remember who's in control.  The day I finally left, I tried to pack my bags and just leave but he trapped me inside the house.  After a lot of yelling and screaming back n forth, he picked up a knife. I screamed for him to just let me leave. He walked over to me, grabbed me by the throat and said word for word "Don't fucking compliment yourself.  The knife isn't for you. It's for me. *spits in my face* you deserve to live your life out in the misery you have created."  He let me go and walked down into the basement.  I don't know why he went down there, but he did, and I left with nothing but my car, whatever was in it at the time, and the clothes on my back. 

Even though I feel like some days I have moved on from everything that happened, I really question if I have. Even though it's been years since everything, I still have nightmares about it, I still sit here and dwell about different occurrences from over the years, I blame a lot of the pain I went through on myself . . . not because I think I deserved any of it but because I was dumb enough to stay.  I get so upset thinking about it.  I can feel the anger, anxiety, the shame and other emotions within me join together to make this one fucked up "Omg I'm gonna explode" feeling within me.  How do you ever get past it?  How do you ever regain your self worth and self confidence back?  How do you rebuild yourself after someone tore you down for so long?  How do you not hate yourself for letting someone else cause this amount of destruction to you life?

Sorry I'm just very emotional about it all today.

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Sissy...
Nov. 9, 2010 at 4:20 PM

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Sissy...
Sep. 3, 2011 at 4:10 AM

group hugALWAYS HERE FOR YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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