In this life we find the one person that makes our hearts sing.

This is love, do not confuse it with lust, for that will be your greatest downfall.

Love is a strong word and I’ve learned that it should never be used lightly.


I have loved so much and gotten little back from it. I’ve be used, abused, belittled, betrayed, and hurt all in the name of love. My heart has been broken. Shattered into thousands of tiny pieces across the floor.

And yet, I make the choice to keep looking forward, and never look back for more than a second or two.

Humans by nature are flawed but really how flawed must a person be not see that the one that the devoted their selves to isn’t loyal, faithful, or loving to them?

I had to learn this twice now. The past two relationships I’ve been in haven’t made it past the 5 year mark. Why? Their answer would be me. But in honesty it is the fact that they wanted me to be their maid, their mommy, the keeper of the children, their toy. Granted I myself am no where near perfect but I try hard to be for the ones that I love. Its just too bad that I’m not what they really wanted. They wanted someone that could throw all caution and responsibility to the wind just to have a “good time”. They pushed me, and kicked me while I was down. They have done such things so hateful that I had to pack up and leave for one reason or another, then fight trying to fix what ever it was about me that made them decide to treat me so poorly. But its taken me almost 7 years to finally understand that I’m not totally to blame. They share part of the blame.

I was naïve enough to think that bending to the men’s wishes would keep them happy. When in all truth, they never truly wanted to be with me and were looking for a way out of a dead relationship. I was told that there were only 2 choices for my marriage, 1 keep going until he died or 2 to end it.

“it's not like you didn't know that, I said I love you and I swear I still do And it must have been so bad Cause living with me must have damn near killed you”

That popped into my head when I was told this.

I’m sorry I wasn’t woman enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t wild enough for any of my Exs.


But hey when one has a child they normally try to calm down and settle down. Maybe I’m wrong on that but I have and will continue to do what I feel is best for my children and if that includes me be a “stick in the mud” so be it.

I will not keep going through this life feeling that I’m nothing, I will not allow my children to grow in a place where women are objects. I won’t allow them to think that its ok to be disrespectful to mommy because daddy is.

The love that I had been apart of for the past year has been nothing but a tornado meeting a volcano. I’m not going to stand here burning in water and drowning in flames to prove anyone wrong.

I’ve lost sight of who I was, becoming nothing but background noise. This was not me. This will not be me anymore! I’m a lot stronger than that. I was always stronger than that!


The sleeper has awaken.

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Comments:

kkbird
Nov. 9, 2010 at 8:54 PM

well said.  a moment of truth we all need to continue reminding ourselves of.... good luck to you and your kids doll

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