I know that I have no options left but to walk away from my home, but I feel like such an idiot. How, how could I let this happen? Why did I not get that last payment in a day sooner. Honestly, it came down to one day. I know that it would not matter in the end. I just can't afford to live here any more. My payment was going to go up and if, as the bank suggested, I applied for another modification, it would go up more. I have done the math over and over and over. I just can't make it worth. I don't have the money to fix the house up to sell it either and I can no longer do the physical labor it would take. Every floor needs to be refinished. Both bath tubs need to be replaced as do the bathroom sinks. They needed that when I moved in, but have just not gotten around to it. I need a new oven and the plumbing is starting to show its age. The bathroom plumbing has NEVER worked properly....NO paper can go in it and it overflows easily. The kitchen sink leaks and I have had it and all of the lines replaced. Last year, the lines to the city meter broke. We rigged them, but they need more work. Last summer, a pipe in the outside wall broke. We had to knock out a couple of bricks to get to the line. More work is needed on it. EVERY window needs to be replaced....they are single windows and leak air terribly. Every wall needs to be  repainted including the ceilings. I just can't do all of this.

I am trying to look at this as a blessing in disguise. This forces me to go through everything and throw out anything that is old and in disrepair. I am not moving junk. 

I HATE that I have done this to my sons. I was supposed to protect them from harm. I was supposed to keep them safe. I was supposed to make them feel okay with the world. I have failed on all counts. They are old enough to know that I can't afford this, but that does not make it any easier.

We are moving to a double wide mobile home in the country. It is okay....not a nice, neat brick neighborhood like we live in now, but it is all I can afford.

I just want my sons to get through school. My younger is a senior and will start to the community college next summer. My older is at the community college and will be there another 1.5 years. He really should be in his senior year, but ran into some academic problems and basically had to start over. I figure my younger will be here for 3 years after he graduates. Hopefully, I can keep it together until they are out of college.

After that....it will not matter. Please God, help me make it through the next few years. PLEASE.

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 6:21 AM

If it helps,my parents NEVER achieved home ownership,and yet wherever they were,as a child,I was safe and it was home and I knew it.Although I now own,for my daughter's entire childhood I was a renter and single mom.I never asked her how she felt about that,but let's just say that she couldn't have turned out better.Never in trouble,graduated high scholl at the top of her class,winning a full scholarship to the largest university in the country.It's an atmosphere that makes a house a home and that makes a child feel safe.I have read a few of your journals and think,just from how much you agonize over this,that you must be a great mom.So you lost your home in one of the most disasterous economies since the great depression.You gave it your all,you hung in there,and when the time came you are making them a different home.Give yourself a break.Besides,these are grown men we are talking about,not little boys.Lesser parents would have scratched college plans or even made the boys contribute financially.I've seen it happen.So try to see what I see,which is very flattering to you.Hugs.

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