Part 2

I was nine weeks when the mornig sickness started, well it was more like late afternoon sickness. I was lucky in a sense though because  I never actually vomited but I did feel sick...really sick; walking round the supermarket was awful. The fruit and veg stalls were the worst and I went off all meats but became addicted to cheese and milk. I drank a full pint of full fat milk every wonder I gained a lot of weight! I didn't see the harm in it, I thought milk was good for the baby. Later I was to find out that it wasn't so good for me.

At fourteen weeks the sickness stopped but then the heartburn kicked in. So before bed I ate a bowl of cereal with more milk. It worked though until the following night. Heartburn and sickness were my only complaints so that wasn't too bad.

I went to see my midwife every two weeks for blood pressure checks and she asked for a water sample every month or so. My baby lay transverse mostly through my pregnancy and we spoke about a cesarean if he didn't move round. The midwife often told me the baby felt small to her after her prods on my tummy but my scans always revealed a different story and after being told he was of normal size I would be more reassured. I'm only 4ft 11" and at that time weighed only 7and a half stone so I wasn't expecting a huge baby anyway. As long as he was healthy that's all that mattered. I didn't find out the sex of my baby but I always knew I would have a boy. I really don't know how I knew that, I just felt it.

One day I went with my husband to visit his brother and sister-in-law, the one who was pregnant also and she asked me if I minded going for a little walk with her to the local shop. I agreed and off we went. I was around 34 weeks pregnant at the time and my tummy was really quite big. On the way back to her house we had to walk up a slight hill. Half way up the hill I had to stop because I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I could feel myself begin to panic but I felt as though the air wasn't going in to my lungs and I was certain I was going to die right there on the spot. Anyway I managed to get back to her house where my husband was and after taking some slow steady deep breaths my breathing returned to normal and I calmed a little. My sister-in-law said it was common to feel breathless during pregnancy because of the extra weight our bodies had to carry.

A week passed and the whole episode was soon forgotten. I had an appointment to go and see my midwife and she started all the normal checks then took my blood pressure. She took it again, and again. I asked if I was still alive...I had no clue about blood pressure and how it functioned at that point. She looked at me and said " I think we better get you to hospital!" I thought I was hearing things. "Your blood pressure is very high. I joked "Oh I'll be alright in a bit, just give me a couple of minutes!" Her next sentence hit me with such a blow I nearly fell to the floor. She said "We can't be too careful with blood pressure because one minute you're fine and the next thing we find ourselves with a dead mother and a baby fighting for it's life!" To this day I still don't think she should of said that to me but that moment was the start of a harrowing ordeal which as long as I live I will never forget....

I had been in hospital for a week, my legs and body swollen and my feet in such a state that you could hardly see my toes for the swelling in my feet; hooked up to a blood pressure machine twenty four seven. One day after checking the machine the midwife said to me "I knew you would blow up on us!" HELLO I thought, if you knew that why on earth didn't you start me off in to labour, but things happened so fast from that point. A midwife came and after some pushing and prodding she turned the baby so he was in the delivery position. An Obstetrician came and said he was going to insert some gel into my vagina and get the labour started because it was vital we deliver the baby. He really hurt when he put the gel in. He said we had three attempts with this gel and a certain amount of time had to pass before he could attempt to insert the gel again. I can't remember how long. Anyway nothing happened and at 10pm that night he came back and inserted some more gel in to my vagina. An hour later I went in to labour. At 11pm I was just two centimetres dilated then by 1am I was nine centimetres dilated and whisked off to the delivery suite. I remember being in a wheelchair in the elevator with my husband, a porter pushing the chair and a midwife and I remember thinking to myself, there's no way back, this baby has got to come out! As I was wheeled in to the delivery suite I saw the cradle and a rocking chair and my heart skipped a beat.

I'm not going to lie and say the labour was fine because it wasn't. It hurt like hell. Thank God for gas and air. My son was born at 2:02am weighing exactly 7lb. I forgot about the pain as they passed my baby up for me to hold him in my arms. I was SO tired and SO weak. Just then I felt that strangely familiar feeling I had felt as I walked to my sister-in-laws house just a few weeks earlier when I was heavily pregnant. I couldn't breathe. The air wasn't going in to my lungs. I couldn't even hold my baby because I felt as though I couldn't get any air. My whole body was tingling with this strange sensation. I wanted to run away. I wanted to get up and just run out of the room. I felt as though I was being suffocated and then I passed out!

To be continued....  


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Nov. 11, 2010 at 7:19 AM

Well girl! Leave me hanging like this...shame on you!  I wish I would of put everything down on paper with my other two kids because after all these years I just don't remember it but Ethan's birth will be done and that I have already started. It's painful but I feel I just don't want a single moment to pass away from my memory, miss my son so much! Hugs

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Nov. 11, 2010 at 8:06 AM

It's so very hard to come to terms with the death of a child. I could never begin to imagine the hurt you much be feeling. I know how badly it hurts me if I see my son in pain and that's bad enough for me.

I went through a lot when I had Scott. i know there are mums who have been through far worse like yourself for instance but in my case I feel that if I write about it I might get some relief from getting it off my chest. It's funny how it makes you feel ...for some reason it's just like talking to someone who isn't really there but listens to your inner self and sometimes it's easier talking to a complete stranger lol.

I still have issues even now twelve years later and I have always wanted to put the experience  in to text. So I hope you find it a good read honey, there's definitely more to come...a lot more! And it gets more interesting (((((((hugs))))))))) xxx 

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Nov. 15, 2010 at 2:11 PM

Well I get what your saying and I have thought about doing the same with the pregnancy and then loss of our boy but even putting it onto paper for myself is hard so I commend you on your strength my friend. My other two pregnancies were "normal" so I don't no how it must of felt to go through what you did with your son but my niece's birth almost took my sister from me and that put fear in my heart. I look forward to reading your story hun and remember you got the prize after all the pain! Big hugs my friend......

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