Today has been an extremely hard and trying day to say the least.  I have already had to take a xanax and it is only 7:00 pm.

It all started off at 6 this morning when my son woke up either from a nightmare or just plain not feeling well.  He was screaming and it took me a good hour to calm him down and back to normal. 

We had a meeting at 2 with his pediatrician and the team of therapists to discuss him, his goals and what we would like to happen.  I ended up having a HUGE breakdown in the middle of the meeting.  I feel like I have failed as a mother because he is not where most kids his age are developmentally.  I have worked with this age group for many years, I feel like I have done something wrong or not done enough.  They were all very kind about it and very reassuring that is is NOTHING i have done or have not done, and it is a mom thing.  I feel so stupid though for breaking down in front of them.

After the meeting, I had a doctor appointment for myself, where I had ANOTHER breakdown.  My doctor too was understanding and has officially diagnosed me with PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I keep having flashbacks to my grandma's last weeks of life, and the things I saw, I have had more nightmares than I can count, I wake up multiple times nightly.  She is switching my medications and has also give me a name to a free clinic here in my town where I can meet other people with PTSD and have a counselor who deals STRICTLY with this and grief.  I can't explain why but I feel embarrased.  I feel like I should be able to keep myself together.  I have everything I have every wanted and yet I am not happy and feel so down.  I'm really hoping these new meds and new therapy witll help.

This evening there was a recognition for the dialysis unit in the hospital that my grandma went to.  It was a very nice informal dinner type thing.  I didn't think it would be a problem but as soon as my mom, my sister and I walked in the doors we froze, everything hit us like a ton of bricks, all the faces that my grandma used to be side by side with at dialysis, the nurses, the doctor.  It took us a few moments to compose ourselfs but eventually we moved forward and went ahead and got some food and went to sit down.  When we sat down though, my grandpa was crying, it took all I had not to scream.  I had to leave, I had to go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face and pull it together.  I made it through dinner with the help of my husband and son.

After dinner, I had him drive through the cemetary which was probably a mistake but I just HAD to.  Her headstone was covered in snow, as we just had our first snowfall yesterday.  I had to get out and take it all off and then came breakdown number 3. 

We got home, I took a xanax and was just going through some emails and received this, from a friend of mine her son, her baby has relapsed with a neuroblastoma for the THIRD time.  Please ya'll visit his site, they need all the prayers they can get.  For the moment I saw Justin his eyes captured me, they are the most BEAUTIFUL blue eyes I have EVER seen.  This poor little boy is in the fight of his life for the third time against this horrible disease :(

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 9:49 PM

~~HUGS~~ to you!!!

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 11:19 PM

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I hope tomorrow will be much better!

Thank you for sharing Justin's page link. I'll be saying a prayer for him.

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 11:22 PM

I want you to know that you and your family, and your friend are in my prayers...God Bless yall.Krista...hugs

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Nov. 10, 2010 at 11:59 PM

sorry momma hang in there hugz

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