So, I ended up taking a trip to the ER early this morning for contractions. ... They did a clean catch urine and bloodwork and are cultering them for infection.. So anyway to make a long story short, I come home and go to bed because I'm exhausted.. Haven't gotten any sleep and I'm tired.. And I understand that my husband was worried and didn't get much sleep either but damn! HE totally fucking starts screaming at me!!! He didn't even bother to ask me how me or the baby is doing! Just started getting pissed off because I went to sleep.....

 So needless to say I ended up crying myself to sleep.. He apparently spent the day cleaning and bitching about what I have and haven't done.... I just wish he  could understand.. What it is I feel, what it is I am thinking...Maybe then he would know what kind of deep dark secrets I'm really hiding.. Like the fact that I'm too the point right now that I don't even want to be alive anymore... That everyone including him and my kids would be better off without me ..... He goes to the Dr. with me and claims that he wants to take an active roll in helping me get better but then he puts me down all the time.....

 I mean, I admit I have made alot of mistakes in my life and I need to get my game on but he just doesn't understand...He doesn't know what it's like to be in my shoes.. To wish that I was never born... To sit there day in and day out and wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't chosen the path that I did..Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart, but he's not the perfect person in the world either... He say's a lot of mean hurtful thing's to me and it just makes the situation worse... I wish so badly that he could be inside my mind and feel what I feel.. Maybe then he'd be less of the way he is and more understanding.... I will get into all that and my history later.... It's time for dinner and I'm hurting...

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Comments:

Oober...
Nov. 11, 2010 at 6:06 PM

you know, i felt alot of what you are feeling while i was pregnant, and even now nearly three weeks after our daughter has been born i feel some of it. i feel lke the worst mom in the world when i lose my patience, but i have miri for sometimes 20 hrs straight without help. i dont get alot of help from my fiance because he works and needs his rest and so forth, but i have been on the go literally since i hit the recovery room after my c-section. the first night i couldnt even get out of bed. i spent it ALONE with the baby. He didnt help once the entire 4 day stretch while we were there, and when we got home, i didnt see much of a change. it makes me feel.... unimportant. useless. depressed. angry. i dont have family or close friends for that matter, so the stress is just getting to me.

hang in there. you have babies that need you. and even at the worst moments when you are hurting and sick and exhausted, remember that not every day will be as terrible.

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