i want my mommy.

my mother died of a massive stroke in 2007, and since then i have pretty much been on my own. During my pregnancy, i felt pretty lonely and kind of adrift without family or friends around. Now that my daughter is here, i feel that emptiness even more.

I look at Mirium and i think- wow. i really wish my mother were still alive. she would have been so excited to have you. she would see you every day. she'd have been here to support me and help me with you. she would have cuddled and kissed you to the point of annoying the hell out of me, but she also would have spoiled you rotten and made sure you knew you were loved no matter what.

My father has never really been in my life and we had a falling out february. i have never been very high on his list of priorities and he has never truly made an effort to make me feel loved or accepted. his wife and i dont get along, though i am not going to go into that story, but needless to say, she made sure that i knew i wasnt part of her family. that i was not welcome. i never want to put my daughter through the hurt and uncertainty that came with her grandfather just being who he is. So, i know i could never rely on them for anything more than a generalized forward in my email inbox.

My mother was not a saint. she was a chain smoking alcoholic who was bipolar. BUT she never hesitated to tell me that she loved me, especially in those last days before the unexpected happened. Today, i seem to miss her more than usual i guess. I feel pretty sad, actually. These last few weeks have been extremely tiring and stressful because of the new baby. and i have had literally no support from anyone other of my fiance. i always wanted the family who would be ecstatic about the pregnancy, who would show up for my baby shower and visit me in the hospital. family who would come by the apartment or invite us for dinner and not flake out or make us always pay for everything. I know it sounds like a pipe dream, but i wanted so much more love for mirium and i guess i felt that maybe some of that love would extend to me too. that i would know that i was part of a family who cared. But i never got that. and now i cant help but blur into tears and miss the mother i should have had much longer than i did.

i miss her so much. and i know that she would have loved my daughter unconditionally. and i think that is what we need right now. we need love and someone to go to. and to be pooh-poohed and teased when i could use advice and sympathy has really warn me down.

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Nov. 11, 2010 at 6:23 PM


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