Tomorrow is a big day for me. A project I have been envisioning and planning for a long time will finally happen, and I am a bundle of nerves. My breath is shallow. I can feel my heart beating in my chest. I am a bit lightheaded, and my stomach is in knots.

The sad thing is that I am not feeling this way because I am truly nervous about the event. I am feeling this way because a co-worker, an employee of mine really, has already gone on a rampage about how she disagrees, quite vehemently, with the plans about tomorrow. She chewed me out before work a couple of weeks ago - not just because she wasn't on the team and couldn't make the planning meeting - but because whatever I do isn't good enough, and can never be good enough.

So I am not nervous because the event isn't well planned. It's very well planned. I am not nervous because it involves me getting up in front of a ton of people - I'm weird. Public speaking doesn't bother me at all. I'm not nervous because I think the program will be a flop. I'm actually quite confident it will succeed.

But seeds of doubt have been planted.

And I am, for some stupid reason, waterting and nurturing those seeds for no good reason.

Like my questions about work (links here and here) I question how much my bipolar, depression, whatever is part of this internal drama. Do "normal" people worry so much about what other people think? Do "normal" folks take every single bit of criticism and internalize it until it grows to mammoth size.

It's important that I'm on my game tomorrow. I need to be able to convey enthusiasm and confidence and surety - this is the first event of its kind at my work, and I'm the flag-bearer.

The other question, of course, is why people feel the need to criticize and bully others. What makes someone think that treating me this way will make our collaboration somehow better for the second in this series of big events?

I don't deserve to be this wrecked.

I wish I could help myself.

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 9:47 AM

"normal" people make mountains out of tiny criticisms too. but you can use this to your advantage. Just think to yourself "I'm gonna show her". You are well prepared, you are engaging, you are smart, and you are absolutly ready. Anytime the doubt creeps in, face it head on and see it for the lie that it is...and replace it with the truth. You are a woman who has been created to soar. Stretch your wings and step boldly out into the wide open world. Boldness...."be bold, be bold, in all you do be bold." You will pull this off perfectly. And you better check in with us moms here and let us pat you on the back afterwords. way to go

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