going to the fertility specialist was a big step for me. a step i never thought i'd take. i've always been fine with my infertility issues and i've always wanted to adopt so i thought it all worked out perfectly for us. we were never the couple to fantisize about our biological children. we never really had to even discuss adoption. it was the right thing to do for our family regardless of fertility issues or no fertility issues. we never doubted for even a second that God wouldn't give us a child through adoption. while everyone was praying for us to have a biological child i was praying for an adopted child. in fact i've never actually prayed for a biological child. now with each pregnancy i did have i do remember praying that it wouldn't end in miscarriage but thats the most praying i ever did for a biological child. my true hearts desire has always been adoption. btw i may as well add that it was always a God given desire! but after having so many miscarriages i thought to myself that enough was enough! i just wanted to know why my babies kept dying. i was finally fed up with not getting any answers and i felt like i owed it to my babies and my husband to find out what the problem was. over the years i would actually make a fertility appt only to cancel right after because i just didn't feel right about it. i had no peace but this last time i made the appt i finally got peace about it. i knew i was doing the right thing. my only prayer was that God would show the doctors what was wrong and that it would be fixable. not so that i could have a biological child, but so that i could finally come to peace with my miscarriages. on my very first visit the doctor did an ultrasound and said she knew what was wrong and its fixable. she said my uterus is partially misshaped (the septum)but a hysterscopy will fix the problem. she wanted to do one more ultrasound...a saline ultrasound so she can see everything better. that ultrasound showed the septum but also showed what she believed to be a thick strand of polyps going from one end of my uterus to the other. she said if it's not polyps then its scar tissue. either way it needs to come out. all fixable. she did bloodwork...14 tubes of blood she took from me to do those tests!!! she tested for everything that could possibly cause miscarriages. they all came back fine. through all of my miscarriages i've never had a d&c so she wanted to do one of those too. i left her office excited and hopeful for the future. i finally had answers to the questions that would plague me in the night. while i was nervous to have the surgery i was also very very excited because God was going to use this doctor to fix my fertility issues. but after the procedure i'm wheeled to my room only to see that ryan is standing over me and the very first thing i asked was did she fix everything! even though i was groggy and still pretty heavily drugged i was excited expecting my husband to tell me the wonderful news that the problems were fixed. but to my horror he just says that i'm not going to be happy about the outcome. OK! i knew it was all too good to be true! he said that she went in there and found no polyps (not even 1), no scar tissue, and my uterus was perfectly shaped. she did the d&c and searched around looking for anything she possibly could've missed. imagine her suprise when she goes in looking for things that she saw twice on ultrasounds and finds absolutely nothing wrong! all i could do was cry my eyes out. i was angry and frustrated and did i already mention angry lol! it never occured to me that God would heal me because i never once prayed for it. i'm ashamed to say this but my first thought was not realizing that God did this without the help of a doctor. i should've been jumping up and down praising God like a crazy woman lol but instead i was crying so hard the nurse actually thought i was in severe physical pain! but after those horrible meds started to wear off it occured to me that God actually took away those horrible things. God actually performed a miracle...thats just not something that disappears or fixes itself! after talking with the doctor she didn't really know how to take the news. she was as shocked as i was. she was so confident when she made the diagnosis and said that once i have my procedure i shouldn't have anymore problems with miscarriages. she was so confident but after talking with her yesterday i noticed she lost that confidence. i know that something good will come out of all of this. maybe my doctor doesnt believe in God and maybe, just maybe He was trying to show her that He is the one and only true healer! i go back to see her in two weeks. maybe then she will let us know when we can start trying for a baby. but even if there is bad news and she finds something wrong and we wont be able to have a biological baby i will be ok with it all. after all God called me to adopt and whether i have biological children or not i will go where God leads us to adopt because adoption will be and has always been my true hearts desire. i'm thankful that God worked those miracles yesterday. i just wish He would've told me before i went in to have the procedure ;)

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Kelly...
Nov. 13, 2010 at 11:15 AM

  I believe as you that God only knows what is best for us.  We are a family blessed by adoption.  Also like you, in my heart adoption has always meant so much to me.  God can and does work miracles and my little angel is proof.  Even through all my heartache, tears and pain on our paths of wanting to be parents.  I always believed God hears our cries,and wipes away our tears.  May God continue to be with you ......

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