Fistandantalus's Journal

I'm FUNNY, Darnitall!

The ads for Skyline look like the flick is basically Independence Day II. Well, it's really not. Like, at all. In fact, Independence Day may be the ONE alien invasion flick that Skyline didn't rip off in some capacity.

The flick had a huge no-no right at the beginning, when they showed about seven minutes of story, then inexplicably went back in time 15 hours and started over. I really don't like it when flicks do that, it's usually just a way to get more mileage out of some special effects they spent a pile on. So, we have Hero and Hero's Girlfriend flying to LA to attend a birthday celebration for Hero's BFF (played by Scrubs actor Donald Faison) who is some kind of special-effects bigwig. Yeah, I'm not really sure why they even included that fact, it has zero bearing on anything else that happens. BFF lives in a cool hip mega-modern high-rise apartment building with his bitchy blonde wife and mousy-yet-efficient assistant who he is currently banging on the sly. Hero's GF is seen throwing up in an elaborate fashion at several points during the exposition so yeah, we know she's knocked up. BFF asks Hero to please move to LA to work in his effects company because he's "got the eye". We actually never see whatever talent Hero allegedly has in this respect. Hero's GF freaks out at the suggestion that they could move to Bever-Lee and be rich and successful, and she drags Hero away for a deep convo about The Impending Unexpected Addition. Hero seems remarkably blase about the fetus, but that could be because actor Eric Balfour has two expressions, Confused and More Confused. At one point the party gets loud and Calm Cool Doorman comes up and asks Blonde Bitch to keep it down. Everybody parties until they pass out.

At 4:30am, bright lights start landing all over LA and anyone who looks at the light gets hypnotized, as evidenced by opaque eyes and weird brownish pigmentation that scrawls all down their bodies, intertwining with the elaborate tattoos everyone in the flick seems to have, and vanishes into the dawn, Poof. Mousy Assistant witnesses Partygoer Redshirt succumb to the light and Hero very nearly does the same thing, but BFF knocks him down before he can go Poof. Well okay then! Everybody stands around all confused for a while, then more lights appear, accompanied by a Huge Ship and funky alien Cthulhu-looking monster-machines that are grabbing up everyone they can get their Doc Ock tentacles on, so for some reason BFF wants to go up on the roof so he's an easy target. Hero and BFF go on up, get locked out up there because Hero is a giant douche, and witness a pile of similarly roof-standing idiots get nabbed. OHNOES! Hero and BFF scramble around aimlessly up on the roof until Hero's Girlfriend opens the door up there and everyone goes screaming back down to Luxury Apartment, where they all hunker down and hide from the funky alien Cthulhu-looking monster-machines because everybody knows that a kitchen counter is the Ultimate Camouflage.

After witnessing Old Coot Neighbor And Yappy Dog get munched in spite of Counter Camouflage, BFF talks everyone into trying to get across the street to the marina to get on a boat because they haven't seen any Cthulhu-looking dudes over the water. Yeah, that makes sense. Hero's GF doesn't want to do that, but Hero does, so of course she just does whatever he says because he's got a strong chin, elaborate tattoos and looks confused. So off they go down to the garage, but not before Blonde Bitch finds racy photos of BFF and Mousy Assistant on the digital camera. For some reason, this bugs her a little more than the idea of being consumed by a Cthulhu-looking monster-machine, and she gets shirty and insists on driving her own SUV with Hero and Hero's GF, forcing BFF and Mousy to take the convertible. While down in the garage, they see Hapless Redshirt Couple trying to get out of there too. As soon as the gates open and BFF drives the convertible up the ramp, BLAM, a big old Cthulhu Foot crushes the car and Mousy along with it and amazingly dumps BFF out onto the pavement unscathed. Oh well, Mousy was a slut anyway.  Everybody flees, Hapless Redshirt #1 gets nabbed and the Cthulhu who nabbed him gets crushed by Calm Cool Doorman's gynormous gas-guzzler. Yay for American engineering!   Hapless Redshirt #2 notices that Hapless Redshirt #1 is still alive in there among the Cthulhu Guts and tries to yank his ass out of there. Oh sorry, Cthulhu isn't really dead, he's only Mostly Dead and rips Hapless Redshirts's brain out to stuff in his Brain Hole because Hey Nonny Nonny, human brains are batteries to Cthulhus! Wow, how completely different!   BFF gets grabbed by Recently Energized Cthulhu and sucked away for debrainification. Oh well, he was cheating scum anyway.   So now everybody's REALLY wigged out, so they go back to Luxury Apartment with Calm Cool Doorman, losing Hapless Redshirt #2 in the process. Oh well, she was a screamer anyway.

Our Gang watches out the window of Luxury Apartment as Army Planes do battle with the Cthulhus and the Huge Ship that all the Cthulhus came out of. Oh hooray, they blew it up with a mushroom cloud! Oh crap, it can put itself back together! And now we have a shit-ton of radiation to deal with too! Calm Cool Doorman thinks they should stay in Luxury Apartment and Hero thinks they should try and get away again, even though that worked out really well the first time they tried it. As they argue, Hero's eyes go milky and his tattoos start to get brown and scrawly again. Whoa! Calm Cool Doorman, his calm coolness notably shaken, backs down but not before he says some rude shit and scowls a lot. Hero and Hero's GF decide to try and hitch a ride on one of the Army helicopters that are landing on the roof, even though it's painfully obvious that the Army Guys have their hands full knocking holes in the Cthulhus and aren't overly interested in saving anybody. Recently Chastened Doorman and Blonde Bitch decide to stay put in Luxury Apartment, even though they have no water, power or fathomable reason to stay, I mean, given the radiation that the Army Guys just dumped all over the problem. Hero and Hero's GF go on up to the roof and get their asses handed to them by Cthulhus and Army Helicopter Friendly Fire. Blonde Bitch gets hypnotized, eaten and THEN blown up by an RPG. Oh well, she was a chickenshit anyway.   Recently Chastened Doorman decides that he's not going down like a bitch and blows himself up along with one whole Cthulhu out of about ten bazillion. Wow, wotta man! Hero and Hero's GF, now bloodied, muddied and injured up on the roof, give in to the inevitable and get sucked up into Huge Ship as they kiss romantically and the world as they know it ends.

And that should have been the end. But it wasn't, because the dudes who made this flick saw The Matrix, Alien: Requiem and District 9 and thought they'd steal a little from THOSE flicks along with every other alien invasion flick ever made. Hero's GF wakes up all slimed in a hold with scads of other similarly-slimed people including Hero, who has his brain sucked out and planted in a monkey-looking monster-thing. Oh, how sad, seeing as he was ruggedly confused and all. Hero's GF is about to have HER brain sucked out when a lighted tentacle scans her midsection and finds the fetus, so GF gets sent down a tube to a different slimy hold along with all the other preggos to have her fetus stolen for some reason we never get to know but we know it's bad, obviously. But wait! Hero's brain isn't going quietly into that good night of being a monkey-monster battery because it got exposed to Cthulhu Rays earlier (one assumes) and rebels and kicks some ass and rescues GF from the fetus-sucker. And the flick ends with Hero Monkey Monster standing protectively over Slimy Preggo GF in the hold of the ship, like they're really a whole lot better off now than they were when they were hiding in Luxury Apartment. The End!

Until the sequel, that is...

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 12:36 PM

Better than watching the movie.  Too bad they made all the bucks.

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 12:38 PM

This was AWESOME.  Can I give you a list of movies I've wanted to see and have you review them for me?  You'd save me a TON of money, and I have a feeling your reviews would be far better than the actual movies.  You'd do that for me, right?  I mean, I know you don't have anything else on your plate or anything...  ;)

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 1:14 PM

I'm really, really disappointed by this. I've been hoping beyond hope that somehow, the movie was cooler than the ads made it look, because it's been awhile since we had a GOOD alien invasion movie. Like, at least a decade. 

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 6:30 PM

Yeah- I think you've found your blog calling... summing up movies, Liz style! I read this all to my husband who agrees- you're way with words is so awesome!

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 7:50 PM

I can't say I am surprised by this... I had heard it wasn't exactly a great movie. You know what, though? I hear that Battle: Los Angeles is supposed to be good, so maybe that will be how we get our good alien invasion flick. Plus Aaron Eckhart is due to be in a good movie for once.

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Nov. 13, 2010 at 7:57 PM

That was really, really cool. Made me want to see it even more... on Netflix, that is. 

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