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Saturday, November 6th I got my BFP. The one I had been hoping for for 4 long months. I was so happy! I couldn't believe this was finally it! I was going to add just one more addition to our little family. I called and spread the great news to everyone! I bought a car seat, high chair, and already making plans for the nursery. I went on and made my first prenatal appointment. Everything was amazing.   Tuesday night my husband, the kids, and I went to his mom and dad's to tell them the news. Everyone was pretty happy for us.  I went to use the bathroom before we left, being that I was urinating a lot more than usual, being pregnant. When I wiped, I noticed some discoloring on the toilet paper. I immediately knew something was wrong. I called my husband in the room and told him I thought something was wrong..he assured me I was fine and that I did have some spotting with my previous pregnancy. I hoped he was right and went on. When we got home later, I used the bathroom before we went to bed, I had a lot of blood when I wiped. I knew my worst nightmare was coming true. After being at the emergency room for 9 hours, all I was told is that I was either having a miscarriage or I wasn't as far along as I thought I was.(being my hcg level was 8)  Twenty four hours later, I took another pregnancy test. A Clearblue, the same kind that told me clearly, PREGNANT. It was clear..Not Pregnant. Like a knife to the chest. Just like that, it was over.

Today would have been a week since I found out. It feels like a cruel joke. No sooner than I was given my blessing, it was taken away.  I go through it in my mind. What did I do wrong? How long will it take to concieve again? I wonder if it was a boy? a girl?

I have never experienced this type of hurt before and I will never forget.

And I loved that baby, and I still love whoever s/he would have been.

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Comments:

kaysha
Nov. 13, 2010 at 11:43 PM

I'm so sorry. I wish you the Peace I am still trying to find.

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Super...
Nov. 13, 2010 at 11:49 PM

Thank you mama! Your kind words are very appreciated!

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tomat...
Nov. 14, 2010 at 5:50 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself some time to grieve. You will never forget, but the sharpness of the pain will dull over the years. I had this experience over 20 years ago and still think of the child I lost. HUGS

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Julie...
Nov. 14, 2010 at 8:33 AM

The exact thing happend to me 12 years ago with our first child.  Our story is so similar.  I waited for the blood test, I was 9-10 weeks, told my mom and other family one night, woke up next morning and went to bathroom to discover I was bleeding.   ER said there was nothing to do to save it.  Dr took another blood test next day to confirm I was losing baby and I did.  12 years later I have spoken of the baby I lost and the kids know there was a baby before them that didn't get to live.   I know sometimes knowing someone else has gone through it heps a little.  I'm so sorry for your loss. 

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mommy...
Nov. 14, 2010 at 9:15 AM

HUGS! I am so sorry for your loss :(

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mothe...
Nov. 15, 2010 at 9:05 AM

I am so sorry for your loss.

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Suzie...
Nov. 15, 2010 at 10:51 AM

Hugs mommy.....I am being told that time will heal and the day you found out about your baby mine was born but we lost our son the next day. Like you I wonder when my time will come to enjoy that little bundle in my arms and I have hope that when that time is right for us the pain of our losses will be easier to handle. Good Luck....

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Teene...
Nov. 15, 2010 at 11:00 AM

I'm sorry for your loss hon.  You will always remember your angel, but time will heal the pain.  HUGS

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luvinher
Nov. 15, 2010 at 11:06 AM

So sorry for your loss. My story is very similar to yours except we had been trying for 2years and I was a month prego when I lost my baby. I had the bleeding and trip to ER. My first pregnancy was perfect I don't understand how this could happen to me, and I'm terrified it will happen again.hugs

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