I dont paint anymore. i loved it.

I didnt really think about it until today when my husband said " you dont have any interests, you never have, you're boring." Well, as long as we've been together, i've loved to paint. I thought he knew this.Reason i dont do it anymore is, well, you cant paint with little to no paint, and no paintbrushes( thanks to my oldest daughter) and nothing to paint on.

He goes hunting and loves comic books. i love painting but yet have nothing to fufill that. He however has a brand new nice bow, hunting clothes, etc. He says i never ask for anything so thats why i dont have anything, well...i have, the response i got was "You let Amy ruin it" (referring to my canvas and brushes) i messed up on one canvas and rather than letting it trash, i gave it to her to color on, the brushes were broken by her just being nosy).

The point of the title of this post and journal itself isn't just about not painting anymore, it's that since becoming a mother, all of a sudden i have no interests,thoughts,or desires(to him). When really, I DO. I have so much I still want to do and see. I am still ME. I still love to run a brush over canvas, I still love to be touched,. It's like ever since becoming a mom, i lost myself. I'm 21 and have a 3yr old and twins. Whom i love more than i could ever begin to explain.

Me not painting, makes me sad. For as long as i can think of( since i was 15..LOL) I have loved art. I have been with my husband since i was 15. I can remember him coming over and i'd be painting, and he'd look at my pictures. My room as a teenager was covered with the pictures i drew or my paintings on canvas. I have even asked for items to paint. i got them for Christmas about 2 years ago..3 canvas's and brushes and paint. and i have since asked for more to be told what i already stated above.

I guess why im so upset is, he knew i loved it when we were dating and before i became a mother, and since having my children its like i am interested in nothing. I AM STILL ME!!!! It hurt so bad when he said i am boring and that i have no interests..when did i all of a sudden STOP?Just because you wont get me  the things i need to fulfill what i love,doesn't mean i don't still love it.Just because I became a mother to 3 doesn't mean I'm not still "into" anything.

I feel so sad because i know I have alot of love and life around me(my babies) and i am forever in love with my children, but i never got to graduate school, or go to the community college for psychology like i had planned on the summer before i got pregnant with Amy(i had really wanted to do this like a month before finding out i was pregnant with her, at the beginning of my senior year.. in my junior year i took some starting classes for it)I would still like to do this. I always talked about that idea with my friend Austin,...whom i miss dearly.I told him everything.

I dont regret. regretting thngs dont get you anywhere.I'm just frustrated that he doesnt remember.He has forgotton who I am outside of being a mother to his children. This has bothered me alot today. Even more so since tonight when he said "Everything is his here becuase he works for it".

I lied in bed and thought to myself "Man, i could've been so much more". I love being a mother, it's so wonderful to see my little loves, but when you get told everything is his, or that im costing him money..well you tend to think that you couldve done more with yourself.


****there i feel better now**..ha.

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Nov. 14, 2010 at 12:55 AM

Awe sweetie he is making you old before your time. I thought you were in your mid 30's reading this. I was suprised to see that your only 21.  If he has that kind of attitude the only thing I can say is. Why ask him for it? You have pencils around the house? Start sketching things. Tell him you want to decorate the kids room in a theme. You want to put a miral up on their wall. So he needs to cut loose and the 2 of you can shop for the stuff. Since he thinks everything is his because he "works" for it. Well by his standards the kids are yours only because you take care of them. Could you get a part time job so you can start buying art stuff?  Christmas is comming up. Make a list of the art stuff you want, and buy your daughter some kids art stuff so you can start teaching her to paint, draw.

My heart goes out to you. I  have been in your situation. HUGS, LOVE AND COFFEE TO YOU SWEETIE!

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Nov. 14, 2010 at 1:29 AM


Guys are just so clueless sometimes.  And I think a lot of moms go through this phase at the beginning.  You get so wrapped up in that first baby that you forget how to separate yourself from being just "so and so's mom".  Especially when you're at home all day and there's no one to talk to but the kids.

It doesn't help when you come to sites like this and everyone goes on and on about how their whole lives revolve around their children and if yours doesn't then there is something wrong about you and you're selfish for wanting to do things you enjoy as if taking a few hours away from your kids each day will be the downfall of their lives.

It's crazy.  I've gone through lots of stages since becoming a wife and mother.  I've been with my husband for 11 1/2 years and married for almost 11 years.  He's 34.  I'll be 34 in a month (actually my birthday is exactly 1 month from today).  Somewhere along the line I grew up.  I was 23 when our oldest was born and I had to learn to put other people ahead of me.  That was all fine and dandy until the kids got old enough to take advantage of me and it got old fast.

My husband, on the other hand, has never grown up.  He's still 23 in his head and acts like he's 12 half the time.  Sure he goes to work so that I can stay home but that's no excuse to ignore me and the kids.

I've talked to him about it but things usually only get better for a couple weeks.  It's exhausting when you're the only one that puts effort into things and go completely unappreciated.  On one hand my husband does know my interests and supports them.  On the other hand his teasing about my interests is relentless.  He makes fun of them as if they are stupid and childish yet he spends all his time playing video games.  That's an acceptable past time for a 34yo father of 5 but my writing fanfiction is silly and pointless and childish for a 33yo mother.  Huh?

Ugh.  He drives me nuts but I love him so I keep trying to get him to understand.

Maybe you could try doing water colors or something.  They are a lot cheaper. My mom liked to paint in high school but her mother constantly told her she sucked so she gave it up.  When me and my brother would get out the water color paints she would always take up a brush (the cheap, crappy Crayola kid stuff) and come up with this beautiful little art works.  She never thought they were any good and would toss them but to my 8yo self they were amazing.

When Meagan, Owen and Brenna were little I quilted.  The dining room table was always covered in fabric and my sewing machine and I would work on a quilt when I had time.  My dad constantly bitched about the mess and after a few years I just gave it up.  It wasn't worth the constant bitching and the kids getting into stuff.  I haven't quilted anything in 4 1/2 years (since Nora was born).  I had to take up other hobbies that took up less room and time and effort.

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Nov. 15, 2010 at 8:07 AM There is a lot that you can still do! You can still paint, get your GED, and go to college. Just take it slow. Start by going out and buying yourself some art supplies:-)

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