First off, i want to say sorry.

sorry for freaking so many of you lovely ladies out, thinking im like dangerous to myself or that im dangerous in general i suppose.. or just scared for my life. idk..

as yall have all been reading, ive been very depressed. i kinda wanted to dig deep and explain everything to everyone. i know i dont have to, but i AM an open book and would like to have everyone understand where i am coming from, and that if you are ever in a tough situation, to know how loved you are and maybe learn from my situation (and to seek help outside yourself)..

also, let me say, i LOVE my family. i LOVE my daughter and unborn son! i love them to PEICES! i love my hubby, we are okay!

im not really sure WHERE to start... um, maybe.. with.. hubby leaving to go to dallas while leaving me in town. yep. he went out of town for 2 nights. worst 2 nights of my life. im now scared to death to be a single parent if i ever had to be!! HAHA no, kinda kidding there. but anyways, i was sick with something- idk what it was to this day. but i had a stuffy nose, a soar throat, cough.. the whole thing. taking care of jaidalyn and (ya know..) growing a child. LOL nothing could be more exhausting than all that put together. so, joel left for the weekend to go to this concert.. that i really wanted to go to with him. i just love being with my husband in gerenal but i decided to stay behind because i knew id be going to dallas in 2 weeks for my baby shower..  and because i was sick. well, i was feeling sorry for myself and upset that i was feeling like crap taking care of the house, the kids, ect and joel was out having fun and living it up without any responsibility. oh, dont tell me.. i KNOW what your going to say.. he NEEDS the time out to be himself. yea yea, and im selfish or whatever. but please, DONT tell me this! im hormonal, and totally crazy with this pregnancy, so im not seeing strait. :)

while he was gone, my luck decided to be against me too. jaidalyn has had more accidents in her pants since he left. i guess she could tell i was stressed and or whatever and decided to throw out everything she knows about potty training. sure. add it to my list. im also still greiving the death of my dog. i know, its been like weeks and here i am still thinking about her.. but when a dog dies after 15 years with you, it takes a toll on you. i miss her like crazy. i see a picture, i cry. i think of her little body all excited to see me, and i cry. i totally miss her. shoot, i cry when i watch tv. LOL i promise im not lying when i say hormones have ran off with my sanity! HAHA

while i was at the family reunion, my phone decided to take a dive in the toilet. yes, as if something else couldnt go wrong. it was clean water- i promise. but still killed my phone (temporarily). i later let it dry out and ive had very few issues with it since. thank GOODNESS for that -- bc joel dropped his phone yest in the parking lot and ran it over. so um, our luck.

on top of all that stress to begin with.. i feel like i was being pulled in EVERY which direction.. ive got 2 baby showers coming up (back to back) that im sending out invitations for.. and getting addresses.. and helping plan.. and ect.. and then you've got thanksgiving.. and talking about plans.. and then comes christmas.. gotta do some shopping.. gotta get it done. right? yeah. not to mention, im planning for an overall EXHAUSTING something in feb. a BIRTH! so im being pulled for all these things.. and i guess i should have just learned to say no. and take a break. step away from being "mommy. or party planner. or chef" and just be.. ME! jesi! i never took the time out to chill out, or be myself. or do something FOR myself. partially bc i had jaidalyn and i couldnt get away. hahaha but its okay, i love her! shes mostly my partner in crime! :D

it just seems like the universe is against me. and im not sure why. maybe its bc my walk in faith has been SO strong lately from this pregnancy- ive been on such a spiritual high. that when joel left, the devil saw my weakness and RAN with it. im not sure. but i ended up going to church yesterday. that was VERY hard for me. joel had to go work sunday because of something special that is going on with his work (that i cant say anything about just yet) but he is all nervous and anxious.. so he went to go work on his stores and prepare them.. while i went on to chuch with jaidalyn. it was hard not having joel there. i missed him. i long for his friendship and companionship. he really is my other BETTER half! anyways, the word was on "if God brought you to it, he will bring you through it". its amazing how the word protraid to my life in some amazing way. and i got healed at church. i got prayed over by people i had never met before. and God is working in wonderful ways in my life. i am SO excited to begin to share this excitement with everyone! so anyways, i know it sounds silly.. but i really have been healed. and made new.

i had some alone time with joel while my dad took jaidalyn yesterday. its just what we needed to get back on the same page.

i feel like all of my peices have been put back together. and i thank everyone who prayed for me or sent good healing thoughts my way! :) i love yall and i appreicate all the support! please continue to pray for joel this month. i think God has big plans for him. :)


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Nov. 15, 2010 at 11:33 AM

hugs! I'm glad your feeling better! My hormons are crazy to. I go from laughing to crying to laughing again. Not to mention the 300 dollar phone I had one day before I chunked it at dh and shattered it. There is so much stress but god is amazing and I hope you continue to feel his strength!

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Nov. 15, 2010 at 1:52 PM

I am glad your feeling better. I was having a horrible weekend as well, and I agree that the devil takes every chance he can to run us ragged. This is such a busy time of year, and I know my pregnancy hormones have been off the charts as well.

I am always here if you need to talk.

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Nov. 16, 2010 at 9:26 PM

I'm glad you're doing much better! Keep it up Jesi, you're a strong woman! :)

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Dec. 1, 2010 at 10:26 AM

I'm sorry this is so late but just realized you posted a journal. I'm glad things are going your way and hopefully you and Joel can get some good bonding time before baby comes.  If i were closer I'd totally babysit :)

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