ok, so i did alot of venting in my last posts.

i haven't really been able to speak, privately or publicly, about all that has happened to me in the past 2 months. posting a journal entry seemed like the very best to do so though.

i didn't, however, allow myself to really talk about the positive things in my life or the other issues i'm currently dealing with.

first, for any of you who do decide to read this, have any of you been through a separation that eventually led to divorce? or just a divorce in general?

now, my next question, if you have, were there any kids involved at the time?

the reason i ask all of this is because i'm currently dealing with a big change in my (almost) 5 year olds behaviour lately.

he's been acting out, in a big way, to, what i'm assuming is, his father's sudden lack of involvement in his life and to his sister still getting a bit more attention than he gets, especially from me.

see, ok, before we moved out of their father's (my ex husband's) house, their dad spent ALOT of time with my son. he spent very little time with our daughter, using my breastfeeding her as the excuse in her first year of life and her clinginess to me as the next excuse after she turned 1. basically, she's a girl and not a boy.  just like his father before him, he really has no use for girls. so, JH and our son spent every morning, afternoon and nite together, until JH decided to start distancing himself from all of us, barely spending anytime at home. my son was devasted when, day after day, his father was nowhere around. it wouldn't have been so bad if i could've just looked at my son and said, Daddy's at work. He'll be home soon. but, JH wasn't working then, hadn't been in almost 1 1/2 years, and i had absolutely no friggin clue when, or if, he'd be home. he'd leave for an entire day (taking MY car as well, leaving me with absolutely NO way around, even if i needed a vehicle in case of an emergency. i had to rely on him and he certainly wasn't very reliable) to go pal around with his "best buddy ("the diva"), without so much as a word to me. there were days when he'd leave, taking our son with him, without even waking me up, leaving me a note, calling or texting me then telling everyone that i was a lazy b**** who did nothing but sleep all day while he took care of the kids, which was complete b.s. cause i was up with them both all nite long and then he'd make the choice not to wake me when he felt he "needed" to leave and then take our son with...ya know what, i'm getting into my personal issues with JH.

i'm writing this to explain the situation and getting swept up in my own issues with JH.

anyway, you get the idea of life with their dad before we moved out.

once we moved out, their dad (JH) saw them about twice a week.

then it went down to once a week, after about a month after we separated.

it stayed that way for about a couple weeks more.

then, out of nowhere, he started going m.i.a., no calls, no visits.

(when we first moved out, i was willingly to try to make things easier (for our kids) and called their dad so he could talk to our son about his day (since our daughter's not quite old enough yet to talk about her day) and tell them both good nite, nite after nite. after about the first week, the phone calls ended up with no answer or call back from him. it was something we'd discussed when we separated and he'd said he was ok with, that he'd talk to them, tell them good nite. they ended having more of a relationship with his answering machine than they did with him. he'd ignore the phone calls for days then after a week of no contact, he'd call for a day or 2 then it'd go back to no answered phone calls. after the 2nd time around, i just stopped calling him nite after nite, letting him know that the "ball was in his court". he continued to not speak to them, sometimes for weeks on end, and then just start back up with calling for a few days, at most, and then go right back to no talking to them. it has continued in a very vicious circle.)

around the last part of september, around our daughter's 1st birthday (when things had started seeming like they might be looking up for us, for our family and marriage), we started going out as a family.

then, as always dr. jeckyll turned into mr. hyde and mr. hyde reared his ugly head and then JH went m.i.a. again, until recently when he started calling more to talk to the kids but it's still not consistent.

the last time he saw the kids was over 2 wks ago, when he showed up in my front yard, completely uninvited and almost by surprise, only giving a 20 minute heads up, despite the fact that visitation day had already been set aside and all.

before his family cut me out of their lives (and i with them), i was told by numerous family members that it's "so hard for him. he's so sad, he cries all the time. that's why he doesn't see the kids or speak to them all the time, because it's so hard (and i have to emphasize the point that they continually made when speaking to me about this) FOR HIM" he even went so far as to tell our son, our very impressionable 4 year old that he "cries all the time when he talks to them and has to leave him and his sister. that all this that has happened, that it's not my fault, son. this is not my fault"

he actually managed to guilt our son into feeling bad for him because he "cries all the time" and intentionally made me out to be the bad guy in this entire situation. and, last i checked, when it comes our children, IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM!!!

yeah, it might actually hurt him that much but, if the roles were reversed and he had the kids all the time instead of me, i'd be calling my kids every single nite to hear their sweet little voices, talk to them about their days, do whatever it took in this world to see as much as i possibly could (or as much as he'd allow me to), but, when it comes to our kids, IT'S ABOUT THEM, NOT HIM! am i not right, here? cause, last i checked, when couples go to court over child custody issues, it's called child custody issues for a reason, cause it's about the children, NOT the parents!

because of all this, the things my son has been told, the things he's seen his father do and his father's intentional lack of involvement in his life, my son is acting out in a big way.

just this morning, he decided to try and crush his sister's foot, deliberately.

she was trying shoes on, he didn't like it so to try to stop her, he stepped on her other foot in an attempt to "crush it".

he's been mean, hurting her, throw things around the house, saying extremely mean and hurtful things to everyone.

i've tried to reason with him, show him i love him in every way i could possibly think of.

i realize that therapy is an option, in order to figure out how to handle his behaviour and this situation but before i exhaust that option, i want to ask the advice of all of you who have been there.

i want to try to see if this situation can't be handled and fixed by means of DIY self-help and therapy books and by using the advice of others who have been there.

PLEASE, if any of you have been in the situation i'm in and can offer any shred of advice, PLEASE don't hesitate to share/offer the advice cause i really need all the help i can get.

THANK YOU! SO VERY, VERY MUCH, THANK YOU! :)

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Comments:

momof...
Nov. 15, 2010 at 6:55 PM

I wouldn't wait to start counseling.  I would do it right away.  Seek out a behavioral therapist for you son.  Do it now before things get out of hand.  Your son needs someone to talk to that won't take sides and will listen to him.  Remember that no matter what, your son loves both of you.

I would also seek out a marriage counselor for you and your husband.  Not to patch things up, but to help both of you deal better with the situation.  Marriage counselors are good at helping in the transition.  The counselor can help your husband better see the consequences of his actions.  Make sure you tell your husband that the counselor would be to help make a smoother transition for the kids.

Do not talk to his family or your family about his behavior if you can avoid it.  The situation is really between you and your husband and your children.  Pulling others in and having them take sides will only make things harder in the long run.  Get an impartial party to help you work things out.

I don't know the history with your husband, but is he a substance abuser or mentally unstable?  What you are describing just sounds so off.  I know sometimes men can just get overwhelmed by emotion and just hide rather than dealing.  Something more than that is coming through in what you wrote though.

Remember to do some things for yourself and to take care of yourself too.  You can't be your best as a mom unless you are feeling good about yourself.

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charl...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 1:42 PM

hey momofkids,

thanks :)

i'm actually going to get a referal from my son's dr for a therapist at our next appt. coming up in the next wk.

diy solutions are no longer seeming like an option since things continually get worse every single time he sees his dad (which isn't that much, mind you, since his father shows minimal interest in actually being their dad but it's enough that things are starting to become beyond my control...)

as far as a marriage counselor, my ex has already made it very clear he has absolutely no interest in, as he put it, "being fixed" cause, in his mind, that's what counselling would be doing, fixing him. my ex is a very selfish, self-centered jerk who thinks he's fine and that it's the rest of the world that needs fixing....so, unfortunately, he sees it as not an option, even if it is to help my son with everything.

and, trust me, he doesn't care about the consequences of his actions. he's intentionally doing everything he can to pit our kids, his family and what few mutual friends we had together against me. luckily for me, i was never much of a fan of his family and the mutual friends we've had together have made it clear that they're my friends first and foremost and haven't spoken to my ex anywhere from 6 months up to 3-4 years or more. things haven't been so easy with my kids, especially my son but i think he's far from succeeding with pitting either of them against me. yet.

i no longer speak to any of his family. what few members of his family i had had in my life i ended up cutting out of my life about a month ago because of continual disputes and harassment from them.

my family, the only people i speak to about the intimate details of my life are my siblings cause we've all always been that close and i know i can trust them, that they have absolutely nothing to do with my ex since we separated.

my ex has been a substance abuser for the better part of 20 years and, while he hasn't been diagnosed by a dr cause he refuses to go to one, i firmly believe he's bi-polar. i've spoken to people who have someone in their lives who are bi-polar, have gone down the check list of all the signs that someone might be and even found out that one of his sister's is bi-polar as well, has been taking meds for it for years.

my ex was, and still is (to others), an abusive man. he was extremely verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to my son for many years and i say the signs that he was becoming just as abusive with my daughter, which is the big reason for our separation. he was just as abusive to me, moreso to be entirely honest. i'm telling you all this so what i'm going to say next makes a bit more sense.

because i got us out of the living situation we were in, i haven't felt this good about myself in over 5 years BUT because of my ex's lack of involvement in our son's life and the consequences those actions are reeping, i'm extremely stressed and a bit lost cause i've never been down this particular road before.

i have no doubts that i'm a good mom. i've never really doubted that. i've just never had this particular situation to figure out before and was, and still am a bit, a bit lost on what to do.

i know now that i need to get my son to a therapist asap and, in order to handle things with my kids better and essentially handle things with my life and situation better, i need to see a therapist as well cause i know i need some kind of guidance in what to do next.

thank you so much though! :)

the advice is much needed and much appreciated! :)

hope you and yours have had a great holiday!

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