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I am at my wits end.  My boyfriend is a full blown alcoholic.  He recentlly lost his job, which has very much made his problem worse.  I had issues dealing with him coming home from work and rather than hang out with the family, or even spend time with us, he'd rather drink and have his friends over.  Now that he lost his job, he starts drinking as soon as he wakes up, until he falls asleep at night.  It is driving me crazy.  He does spend more time with the kids now, but he's drunk.  At first it's all fun, untill he gets too drunk and then every little thing bothers him.  I can't deal with it anymore. 

To give a little background, we've known each other for 17 years.  He has been one  of my best friends that whole time.  My first son's father (who is not and never has been involved) was his friend, thats how I met my 1st sons father( my boyfriend stopped being friends with him once I found out I was pregnant).  We have been together for 3 years and have one child together who is 19 months. I am very much in love with him, but this could and is ruining it all.  He is a very caring person, but he has an addiction problem.  I've known this for years, this is how we became friends because we both had a problem when we were teens.  I had my first son when I was 19 and sobered up and stepped up (because I did not want to be like my dad). I can drink on occasion now and be fine. I refused to drink for 7 years after he was born because I was afraid I'd be my father (and worse I worked in a liquor store and they made me go to wine tasting, wine festival and try all new liquors that came in.  I hid a lot during those).

The big difference between us, is that I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father.  He grew up in a loving family, with a mother, father and big sister.  My father quit drinking when I was 13 years old.  I remember it.  I just have no idea how it happened.  The big difference between my boyfriend and I and my mom and dad is that my mom and dad never fought in front of us.  My mom would always walk away or take us someplace.  She didn't step in, though, when my dad was attacking me or my brothers.  Now I don't blame her so much, then I did, very much.  I still don't understand.  But the problem is, I was so mad at my mom for staying with such an asshole and now I am doing it to my kids.  And I try to protect them, I step in all the time, which then hurts them just as much because he is then attacking me.  My mom is dead, she was killed when I was 17( drunk driver, not my dad, just to put that out there!) I have no one to turn to about this or talk to and am hoping that there may be someone out there with some advice for me.

Whenever I try to talk to him, He blows up and attacks me, so that doesn't work. His friends even see and have tried to talk to him, but that doesn't work. His mother is very much on my side, especially since her father, youngest sister and my mom where all killed by drunk drivers).  She is actually the head of traffic safety for our county and the head of stop DWI in our county.  Even she has trouble talking to him.  His mom and I did talked tonight and she is very enthusiastic about her going to a seminar recently about dealing with addicts.  She has a new approach and is just waiting for the right time to talk to him.

Please, if anyone has experienced this and has any advice, please let me know.  I know most people would say just leave him, but he is a good person.  I've seen it, I know it.  His drinking is just getting out of hand.  It's not that he doesn't care, he has a problem, so please don't attack him for how he's being or me for staying with him.  I"m looking for advice on how to approach an alcoholic.  I know it can be overcome, my father and my best friend are both proof of that!  It is a disease, and his mother believes he may have her health issues that have to deal with an over abundance of yeast, which causes your body to need sugar, like in wine, beer and liquor.

However, if no one can get through to him, I am going to have to leave him.  My son has been through enough at this point, and so have I.

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Comments:

mykid...
Nov. 16, 2010 at 1:54 AM

I have been married to an alcoholic before.  They have to want to quit.  There is no way you can make them do it.  if he thinks you will leave maybe that will be motivation to start to go to a detox center or AA.  Good luck.  If you have any questions feel free to message me.  I have been through it before.  In the end I ended up leaving.  We did not have any children together but I already had a daughter.  It hurts the kids when there is drinking.  Drinking usually ends up in arguments and fighting.  I hope things work out for you.  

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daye62
Nov. 16, 2010 at 7:17 AM

He will never recover until and unless he wants to.I know you don't want to hear that,but,without totally breaking my anonymity and privacy,I am asking you to trust me when I tell you that I have extensive first-hand knowledge of the workings of an addicted mind.You have to take care of you and find a way to stay sane and detached.Your children also need counselling as alcoholism is a family disease.You,as an adult child of an alcoholic,chose and married an alcoholic and there is my proof.Your kids are being changed every day they live with a drinking drunk.I strongly suggest Al-Anon,a group like AA for the loved ones of alcoholics.There you will find understanding without judgement and learn ways to keep yourself mentally healthy (no small feat),whether you decide to stay or to go.Leaving him may motivate him to get the help he needs;as long as he is comfortable getting wasted every night he will.But there is no guarantee.In closing let me just say that,for me,part of maturity was learning that some people had to be loved from afar as they were too dangerous for me to love up close.That may be where you find yourself.Good luck.

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NAVAM
Nov. 16, 2010 at 8:12 AM

Please! Please! find the nearest Al-anon group you can and go, Al-anon saved my life and changed my life forever! This group will help you deal with everthing from your dad, mom and husband. They won't tell you how to handle your life they will listen and share their life. I love who I am because Al-anon taught me how.

 

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Daera...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 9:22 AM

My fiance was an alcoholic. After living together for a year, and supporting him every time he tried to quit, it always failed. The longest he ever stayed sober was 2 weeks. He wasn't doing it for himself. He was doing it for me. I left, and I told him when he could grow up and leave that lifestyle behind, he would be an amazing husband. He was never violent or aggressive when drunk. He is truely the most sweet and caring person I have ever known. Even alcohol didn't bring out a bad side in him. He was just always drunk. He worked, but it was beginning to affect his job. He kept telling me he wanted to start a family, he wanted to get married and have kids. I finally told him unless he sobered up he didn't deserve it. I walked out and for four months he drank himself into oblivion.

Finally one morning he woke up and he called me. We were back together for a month, and then he went and spent 6 months getting sober. He did it because he realized the life he was living and the life he wanted were two seperate things. He had to make a choice, bachelor forever or family man. He hasn't had a drink since, and he swears he doesn't miss it. He can see people drinking on TV and he says it makes him feel sick, because he remembers how it feels to be constantly hung over.

Leave him. Tell him this is NOT the life you want for you or your children. Tell him he needs to make a choice, if he wants to be a husband and a father or if he wants to just be a drunk. Tell him if he decides he wants a family, and he goes through treatment and he gets his life sorted out, you'd be more than happy to be with him. Until then, he needs to figure out what he really wants because right now all he is doing is damaging everyone around him.

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Daera...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 9:26 AM

And stop supporting his drinking. If he isn't working and making a paycheck, he shouldn't have money to buy alcohol. Someone is enabling him. If it isn't you, it's someone. In this economy it's stupid to waste the amount of money on alcohol that it takes for an alcoholic to stay constantly drunk. If you are buying his alcohol, you are telling him that his behavior is acceptable.

If you are so scared of being attacked that you cannot say no to him or you are afraid to talk or stand up to him. He is not a good person. At all. Drunk or not, that hateful, violent man is in there. You need to leave.

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Anonymous
Nov. 27, 2010 at 8:29 PM

I never knew what Al-anon was until now. thank you.  I will be trying that.  He's not a bad person, he has a disease.  I grew up with it, refused to drink for the 1st 7years of my oldests life because I didn't want to be like my dad (and I worked in a liquor store for 5 of those years!).  But he's not someone I met and fell in love with, he's someone I grew up with, was close to my whole life and cared about my whole life and then when we were older, we realized we loved each other.  If he was anyone else, I would have left a long time ago, but I love him, and want him to get sober so our family can continue together.

Anonymous (Original Poster)

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