Melissa...'s Journal

Grief of Losing My Husband

I'm just missing you today. Nothing new there I guess. I just wish I could talk to you and tell you the stupid things about my day that no one else really cares about. I miss having that one special person that I told everything to. I miss your text throughout the day. Even if it was just something simple like an I love you, you always took the time to let me know you were thinking about me. I miss having you here for dinner and then having our family time together. It sucks trying to figure out what to do at night because it feels like we're all waiting for you to come home even though we know it will never happen again. It stinks watching TV at night  after the kids go to bed. We always had the shows that we watched together, and now I just sit and watch them alone. The list goes on and on, but basically, I just miss you.

I think you'd be mad if you knew you died the way you did. I think you'd hate that you left me alone, and I think you'd be REALLY pissed off that Drake found you the way he did. He was always your special little Buckaroo, and I know you would have hated for him to see you like that. I also think that you would have hated to have to quit. You never quit at anything you've ever done, and the fact that you just quit living makes no sense to me at all. I think if you visited me today, and I told you that you died, you say "No way! I can't die. I have way too much to do. I can't leave you guys. Who's going to run the shop." Yep, you would have thought about us first, but then you would have worried about your shop.  You always were such a hard worker.

I finally threw away your socks today. Not really sure why. I just figured it was time to get rid of them. Realistically I know no one will ever use them, I'd like maybe someday to be able to move my things into the dresser downstairs, and dammit you needed new socks anyway. I stared at the clothes in your closet for about ten minutes, but never did find anything I could part with. Every shirt that I would touch just brought back too many memories. Date nights, home repair days, work days. I could picture you in every one of them. I really did try to be strong and sort through things, but this little voice in the back of my head kept saying "You don't have to do this", and I listened to it. I guess I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready. Or not.

I talked to your mom again today. She's the one person I feel as if I can call anytime I want, and we can grieve together. I know I'm not inconveniencing her, and she hurts just as much as I do. We talk about you all the time. We cry together a lot. Maybe someday we'll be able to laugh again.

I love you Tim. I miss you more then you'll ever know. Can't wait until the day when I can see you again.

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Nov. 16, 2010 at 12:43 AM

Thanks for sharing these thoughts...I'm sorry Tim's gone. I think you are right...he would be mad (probably is)...and I'm sure he IS missing all the same things you are now. I'm glad you have his Mom to talk with...and I'm positive she's glad to have you. I'll be keeping you all in prayer.

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Nov. 16, 2010 at 3:42 AM

I'm sorry for your pain, it's a pain that goes so deep, it's always there and the missing part never goes away.  It's a desperate sort of feeling knowing someone who was so special is never coming back and missing him becomes part of one's life.  I'm sure Tim did not want to quit living and leave you all behind but it was not in his hands and now he has crossed over to the other side and his main focus now would be that you are happy. He would no longer worry about anything else that was in this material world except you and the kids and those he loved.  His connection with this world is nothing else but you and his family as you are bound together by love, all other things pertaining to this world would fall away.  He's not worrying about what he has left unfinished here, those things are out of his dimension now, it's only you and the kids and those that he loved that binds him to this earth.  .

Don't think you have to throw out any of Tim's things if you feel you don't want to.  Just take your time, do it when you feel the time is right.  If it's never right, that's ok too.  I got rid of a few  of Tony's clothes, things he hardly wore and gave them to people who needed them. Any old things that were really old and useless I threw away but otherwise the majority of his clothing I still have.  I just can't bring myself to get rid of them yet as they hold too many precious memories. His art studio is the same as the day he left it, I have not changed anything and all his things remain the way he left them.  It has become my sanctuary where I can sit and feel him all around me, every little thing in there is so him and has so many memories attached to them.  It's strange to think that all these things that meant so much to him here, now mean nothing to him anymore and that would be the same with Tim, those sort of material things fall away and become unimportant to them in their new dimension.  However, they do mean the world to us so I know how you feel about getting rid of Tim's things....go with how you feel and don't ever feel obligated to get rid of anything if you don't want to.

I'm glad you have your MIL to share your feelings and give each other support.  Hoping you can gain strength from each other.

Praying for your peace and light.  HUGS xox

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Nov. 16, 2010 at 10:39 PM

sigh....there really are no words i can say to make this any easier.....but i wanted to post how amazing and beautiful you write of your love for Tim and how much you miss him in your minute to minute life..... it was difficult to read  and i cant even imagine how much pain you must be feeling by this unfair and tragic loss.......i am so sorry he is gone and i truly will remember you and your kids in my prayers to a God who knows so much more than anyone how you are hurting..... 

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Nov. 17, 2010 at 1:00 PM

Melissa- I haven't read all of your Tim posts.. but every time I read one... I think, "Wow, it must have been amazing knowing and loving a guy like Tim." I know the pain you feel must be like no other hurt you've ever had. But, you were truly blessed to have him in your life.. and he will always be with you. Stay strong. It will get better.

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