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I’m having a rough time today.

I didn’t go to class because I felt like shit when I woke up. My entire body was aching. I didn’t want to get out of bed. As soon as I woke up I remembered last night and how scared I was.

I fell asleep on the couch. When I went back into the bedroom Randy asked me why I didn’t go to school. I told him I just didn’t feel good. I layed down on and fell asleep. I was shaking and cold and aching all over.

Welllllllllllllllllll...Randy let me sleep three hours then he came and got me up. Thinking about driving through that rain and how horrible my mom was...ugh, it’s just getting to me. I can’t stop it, I know it’s over and I know we came out of it perfectly okay, but I keep thinking about what could have gone wrong.  During that drive I kept thinking about Joss, how I had to be extra careful because I was driving my baby around. Of course I was worried about Randy and my mom, but MY BABY...that's just something else entirely.

Randy made me feel better by telling me that my mom was out of line. Reading your comments helped me too. But I just feel so lost. I could have slept all day long. I need to eat but I'm not hungry. I can't call my mom, that will just start a fight and she'll tell me to nut up and shut up.

I've also been cigarette-free for a month now, and every time I get anxious I keep wanting to go back to them. I only smoked for one month (after being smoke-free for two years), and it really helped my anxiety. I quit cold turkey, and it was really bad the first few days, but it's become a bit easier as time has gone on. 

I just don't know what to do about these thoughts and feelings. I hope it'll be better tomorrow. I just keep thinking about that drive and what could have gone wrong. We could have died and it would have been my fault.

Ughhhhhhhh.

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Comments:

shiva...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 5:19 PM Could have...but you didnt....so just relax, eat a little something and forget about your mom for right now. I have been going theu crap with my mom for my whole life, sometimes you have to just back away for a while...hope you feel better soon!

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evwsq...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 6:11 PM

You'll be OK, Cait. Be gentle with yourself. You might really be getting sick. Now that you've had this experience, you'll know how to handle it next time. I don't think that you need to talk to your mom about it. I think that you just need to think about how to control her next time she steps out of line.

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