The Butterfly Diary

My journey from cocoon to butterfly.

Dear Mom,

It's hard for me to believe that today you have been gone 10 years. It seems like it only happened yesterday, the pain still very much real and yet I knew in my heart you no longer suffered. You spent a lifetime being both mother and father to me and you taught me what is right and wrong and how to fight no matter how bad you feel like giving up. A lot has happened mom since you died. The boys are grown. Joe graduated in 4 years from college and played baseball. I wish you had a chance yo have seen him play, maybe you did. Sam is in college and goes hunting. You know how I never let them play with guns as kids so he plays with them as adults. Ryan was married but it didn't last and now he's cleaning up after the BP spill by diving. Emily was 5 when you died but she remembers you very much.She's in high school now and on the dance team. She danced for the Bucks for years as a jr. Energee girl so she really good. She's beautiful mom. I know you would really have  loved seeing her grow up. I got Lupus a few years back and Kevin decided he couldn't handle it so I'm on my own with Em. We do okay. I watched you handle your illness with such style and grace and strength that  I fought hard to make it all work. At times I am so scared mom, I can't leave Emily to soon. I don't want her to hurt like I do. You stayed married to dad for us and for that I am so angry. You gave up the best years of your life for him and found true love at the end of yours. He died this year and I wish I could of warned you but he might not of ended up where you are. Ten years ago today I picked out caskets and prayer cards. Today I just want to scream at the world for they will never know what a amazing,loving and caring women you were. I feel like a hole is punched in me and it will never fill again.  We talk about you all the time and the kids miss you. Debbie and I no longer speak. She took it all when you died. I have your beloved Jello mold which I cherish and still can't make it mold. I never got a chance to really say good bye. You died when I was on my way but I knew you did that for me. It was very bad at the end and you wanted me to remember life. I love you mom. I always will. Watch out for kids for me. I still at times can feel you when things are at their darkest. Thanks for being my mom. 



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Nov. 17, 2010 at 5:55 PM

Jennifer I am so sorry that you  lost your mother 10 yrs ago. I know it must be hard. She is in heaven watching over you and all your children. She is there with you every min of the day. Luv ya sis

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Nov. 17, 2010 at 8:07 PM

She sounds so wonderful Jennifer I am sorry I know it is hard she is smiling down on all of you :)

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Nov. 17, 2010 at 9:34 PM

This is absolutely beautiful Jennifer and it is great that you can talk from your heart so lovely! My favorite part of your letter would have to be "I have your beloved Jello mold which I cherish and still can't make it mold. " I think thats when the tears stopped for a second!

I remember when my (step)dad got killed in his car accident in 2000...I thought i was going to die along with him..he was my world also and the best person and I feel your words so deeply and you expressed them wonderfully I felt I was talking again with my dad. I never got to say good bye the time we got to the funeral he was cremated so I never had a closure a ending I guess so once I came to my point where I needed to tell him good-bye or I would never recover I also wrote him a letter and put it in a beautifully made box with a necklace I received at the funeral that he was wearing at the time and my mothers wedding ring from him.

I know it hurts you still to this day Jennifer but re read what you wrote!!! Your kids are FANTABULOUS!!! You are fighting Lupus with grace and still trying to save the world all at the same time. You are her are everything she wished you would be and more. Wouldnt you agree every mother wants their children to be different then do be strong!

You are everything and more and you still do it everyday with a smile on your face! As far as the Jerk the anger does need to go Jennifer because it just hurts more... forgiveness is key and I know you already know this. This might be easier if it did not play out the way it did and you could have forgave him before your mother passed. But this is another test you must pass and you can since you have already gotten so far! Do not let him hurt you in his death as he did in his life!

Stay strong sister and thank you for being you!



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Nov. 18, 2010 at 2:05 PM

You and i have something in common! My name is Jennifer too! And my mom passed way in decemember 8th 2005 from cronic heart deaise and heptits c from her heart sugery! I am so sorry about the loss of your mom! I know what that feels like to lose one! Your mom and my mom are in heaven and they are having thanksgiving with god at his table! I want you to know this! It is really important that you try to remember the good times that you had with your mom!

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Dec. 8, 2010 at 10:46 PM

I lost my Mom in July of 09. There was no last moments or goodbyes for me either. My sister had power of attorney and I wasn't even allowed to go to my Moms and get anything at all. No family pictures, no pictures of my kids, none of the many projects I made her as a child for Mothers Day, Christmas or any other holiday. I didn't want much, just one of the shirts she liked to wear and things I had given her. My sister let her 16 year old son take over my Moms place and he still lives there. It was lovely to see a video on facebook where he was getting a tattoo and all his drug doing pot smoking friends were all over my Moms house. It sickened me. I am glad to know you have nice memories of your Mom and she was such a good person. I can't exactly say the same about mine but she was my Mom and I loved her very much.

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