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Today I think back to my childhood and the abuse I endured. I think about how I yell to much and sometimes feel I'm acting like my mother. I cry sometimes after a tantrum because I know I was wrong. I don't beat on my children but I lose my temper and it's so frustrating!

My daughter is slightly autistic. I learned this and it made me feel worse. She acts out, not because she's a huge brat, but she is unable to control herself. I get frustrated with the comments people have when she freaks out. "If she were MY daughter I'd...." You would what? Beat the snot out of her? Yeah? Everyone has an opinion on what I "should" be doing but no one walks in my shoes. No one loves MY children the way I do.

My ss has anxiety issues and he's been a pickle always! I put so much into him. Therapy sessions, reward systems, charts, frustration.....The last day of my effort with him was the day he threw a chair at my head that wound up sticking out of the wall. I FREAKED OUT! I said things I should NEVER have said to him. I was so frustrated and angry! My other son and daughter were hiding in a closet (as they always do when my ss rages). My mil tore into me about what a terrible mother I am and blah, blah, blah.

After so many years of my ss's issues then having to go through more with my daughter....I simply don't have the patience I had before. I try so damn hard to be the best mother I can be.

My son is the middle child and the one that's quiet and "good". He's lonely. I do things with him but so much of my attention has gone into my ss and daughter I don't have much left to give. I feel like I have 15 kids!

Now I'm contemplating suicide! Okay, not really. I'm planning to homeschool. My daughter is not the best listener so I'm terribly scared that I'll mess her up. She needs that extra one on one help. She's in a special day class now and the class size is very small. But it doesn't seem to be enough. She has problems socializing so now the other kids (not in her class) are mean to her. It makes me so sad.

My son's grades are slipping and he strarts hs next year. I need to wrangle him in before this gets any worse.

They have both begged me to home school them always but I never thought I was "that mom".

So basically,  I'm a meanie who yells(but not constantly), my daughter is a meanie and she's autistic and I'm scared to death!My ss scares the poops out of the whole family when he rages and puts holes in walls.

Don't get angry or frustrated or you're like your mother! Don't raise a hand to your ss when he's in your face and hits you! Don't feel crazy when you feel you need to protect your babies from all things bad in the world and you can't!  If you home school your children you might ruin their lives! If you don't get angry or frustrated you'll need to self medicate yourself into a coma because THAT is not possible! And if you don't home school your kids they're lives may be ruined! These are the words that swirl my mind.

*Sigh


::insert crazy train sweet pea here::



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Comments:

ibebr...
Nov. 18, 2010 at 1:54 PM

big hugs to you mama

i too feel like my crazy ass mom at the end of the day and it breaks my heart

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