I have been dealing with depression ever since I was 13yrs old. Probably even before that but at 13 is when it went deeper. I am 33 now and it seems to never go away completely no matter what I do. I TRY so hard to motivate myself, because there is no one else there to do it for me, with positive things to uplift me and make me feel more productive but it only last a little while. Then it seems whatever positive thing I try to create always gets taken away from me or somehow fails. I try to be the most real person I can be and I feel sometimes that will cost me. I don't trust any of my friendships will last except for one. I can't deal with bullshit and I can't be phony. It seems right now I feel I just don't FIT IN anywhere. Everyone I know seems to be all happy go lucky, positive, full of energy and I'm like...REALLY?? EVERYONE is a shiny happy person all at the same time? How can that be?? It makes me think that's bullshit! It's not that I want everyone to be down but I want everyone to be REAL and I have a hard time believing everyone is so damn upbeat all the time. I want to hear about what your problems are so I can relate to you as a real person and not some cookie cutter image of what you think a positive person should be. I've never been a very positive person but I have been working on that this past year. I love encouraging others and when I see they are struggling but still working hard, I want to be a friend to them. But it's very hard for me to relate to people who say they are great all the time and say one thing that contradicts what they might have said yesterday. I have my moments where I'm riding a high of positivity and strength and you know what...I know I am a strong woman because I could not have gone through the things I have without being such a strong person. But I get discouraged, ALOT and that's very hard to deal with. I am a sahm of 2 and although I love my kids immensely, I CAN'T WAIT until they grow up and move out! I am truly tired of the same routine day in and day out. I hate this apartment that feels so suffocating. I want to enjoy a life outside these walls. I am alone so much and I don't feel ok with sacrificing my whole identity as a woman anymore just because I bear the name "mom". I am tired of hopes and dreams and goals never being reached. I am tired of being so broke that I can't even afford food and no one I know really "getting it"! I am trying to lead a healthy lifestyle but it's freakin HARD to eat "'clean" when your budget is $100 for a family of 4 to last for 2 weeks and not be left with any money after that for anything "extra" like clothes or doctor visits. MY GOD, CAN ANYONE RELATE?!!  Everything is so overwhelming sometimes that I get so depressed by it all. I try to be strong sometimes for my husband but then it feels he's the only one I can break down in front of. I try not to show my sadness in front of the kids but then they will get on my nerves and I'm quick to get angry and it's all because I am just not happy. I want to be a great mom, great wife, great homemaker, great fit and healthy person, great woman but I don't feel I am! I'm just me here...I care, I'm sensitive, I love deeply and sometimes I'm positive, energetic, and funny. But I can also be bitchy, angry,  pessimistic, and flawed! AND, I am exhausted and dealing with depression! Always honest too...this is me.

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MommyJa
Nov. 18, 2010 at 9:01 PM

I will tell you that I thought was awful and then I really hit rock bottom . I am not saying to dont have a reason to be upset Iam saying that everyone has issues and now one really ever tells anyone all their fears. A lot of times those pefect familys the husband is cheating and mother is a closet alcoholic. lol I think you get my point but I also wanted to say if you have been expierceing this problem for so long maybe their is a bigger issue . A issue that even if your life is picturesic you would still be feeling this way. When I recently hit rock bottom I lost my car my house my kids entered a abusive relationship I discovered something out about myself. I am bi polar which explains a lot of my recent and past issues. so try taking some "me time" a long bubble bath stop and paint your toe nails if this doesnt help than start thinking about what would make you happy and you could do to get that. Also look in to what I learned about myself it may apply or not but more knowledge is never a bad  idea good luck

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Tracys2
Nov. 18, 2010 at 10:14 PM

Well, I am fortunate enough not to have the financial issues. IBut I can relate to the rest.

I am at home. The only reason I am semi-sane now is that I have a chance at a part-time job that would pay for childcare. Otherwise, it's 4 more years at home before I can get out and do something. I can't do anything during the day because when I clean something, the kids destroy 2 other things. Which makes me feel like a failure, since I know someone with kids similar ages (5, 3, 1) who takes in extra kids and still has art projects, spotless house, and spends tons of quality time with the kids (??!) I don't do things right enough either- can't get them to eat healthy enough (especially the husband) or exercise enough, too much TV, they won't help me clean up, it all seems really hopeless sometimes, and even if I succeed, 5 minutes later it's all undone- more food to make, more cleaning. 

Anyway, I wish I had ansewrs. I think some of us are just more sensitive. Things bug me that do not bug other people. Like, keep me up at night crying. So if we get stressed or in a bad place, or lonely, well, we are going to be depressed much easier and stay there longer. Which sucks, definitely, but personally most of my favorite people have tendencies towards depression, so I like to think that we are extra-caring, really fascinating, and just happen to not fit in with this world.

I so don't fit in either. I have, kind of, on and off a few times, but definitely not now. I don't pretend to be what I'm not. But others, not so much. There is this one beautiful, ultra-competent woman just younger than me that I admired, then one day she stood in front of the church and said she'd struggled with anxiety and depression her whole life, same as me. So yes, some are good fakers.

I don't have an answer. Drugs don't seem to help me. Exercise does, a little, but this past Summer, it wasn't helping and I tried to find people to help me instead, which didn't work. In the end, it was the job offer that pushed me out of depression. But it's hard, when you're in it, to know what will help and what won't.

Do try to find help. Some of my friends have luck with drugs. Others like to have someone to talk to (it was a huge release for me- talking to an adult!), and some places will work for free- mine was sliding-scale. Even writing stuff down in a journal can help (I guess you know that by now). If nothing else, you connect with other people who feel terrible when their kids are saying "don't cry, Mommy". I've done the snapping at kids too. And it's not all the time, but it's just too often that I'm depressed or irritable.

i definitely don't know how to fit in, but if you can find a person to really know (and let me know how!) it will help see how people really are none of them perfect. In the meanwhile, I can tell you are really strong, but look around and see what you can do to get to someone to help you. I know it'll be a lot harder for you than it was for me, but I will pray that you'll find a way and get out of that prison you're in (and I'm barely out of, lol). Take care.

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mamita29
Nov. 18, 2010 at 10:28 PM

Thank you Tracys2 for your comment. You did make me feel like you related and sometimes that's all that's necessary when someone can say, I understand what you are going through and mean it!

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big_r...
Nov. 18, 2010 at 10:52 PM

I have been meaning to share this link in the group... about the disease called "perfection"...

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

girl nobody is perfect.. even if they come across that way... not a lot of people are as happy go lucky as they come across... they thnk they need to be that way. .. or they are in denial for something else.. you are not the only family that struggles to make ends meet.. not the only mother who loves their husband and kids but wants to be more then wife or mom... me I hate being a wife... lol for real..I wish I had never gotten married... and just stayed bf/gf w my husband.. but then again I might not have our two wonderful kids that I love so much.. or maybe I would but I woldn't feel as lost irritated... and unhappy with what the term wife really means to my husband... and how to be me.. I have to get the kids in bed and make sure my hubby is happy then I can workout.. the only thing I have that is mine..lol actually its almost 9pm and I have my workout clothes on.. I really just want to say f-it and skip it and go to bed.. and eat a bunch of ice cream... but then I know I will just feel worse.. I like working out.. I just hate I have to do it so late or early... I hate my job but if I complain to loud and lose it we woudl be totally f-ed and we woudl be homeless...it is really hard being a woman... some embrace it... but me I'm not like that.. I feel like I should havebeen born a man lol I cant do this loving wife.. on top of everything else.. just can't!!!

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honeyb3
Nov. 20, 2010 at 10:29 AM

I'm a pragmatist most of the time. I would like to be more of an idealist, but that is something I strive for and not what I delude myself into being 24/7. There is nothing wrong with not being one of those happy-go-lucky people. (Not to mention, what you often find if you look just under the surface is that those people usually are not truly that happy and are just putting up a fake front.) I think that not trying to be "happy" 100% of the time actually allows me to really enjoy when I am actually happy. I aim for content. Content is not a bad place to be either...

And don't worry about eating clean 100% of the time. You should just do the best that you can within the circumstance that you find yourself. And you do great. I have told you a half dozen times before, but you look drop dead gorgeous! You are my "weight loss muse" actually. (And I'm down another 2 lbs.! woot, woot to me. And thank you.) So how can my muse be beating up on herself for not doing well enough? She can't. :p So knock it off. lol. Just kidding. But back to being serious again...I think you are doing good and I believe in you. :)

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