ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I LAST WROTE. I WAS JUST READING THE LAST I WROTE LIKE 2 YEARS AGO AND CANT CONTROL MY TEARS. I STILL FEEL ALL THOSE THINGS EXCEPT NOW,WITH TIME, THEY'RE X1000. I THOUGHT THINGS GOT EASIER OVER TIME BUT THEY'RE NOT THEY'RE GETTING WORSE. THE FUTURE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT LET ALONE TALK ABOUT IT. I NEED TO THOUGH! 2 YEARS AND IM STILL IN THE SAME PLACE(MENTALLY). IF I DONT START SOON, VERY SOON, NOW!, NOTHING WILL CHANGE. IT WILL BE TOO LATE. WILL IT BE TOO LATE/ I DONT KNOW. I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY FEELINGS I CANT KEEP HOLDING THEM IN. I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE IT AS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY EMPTY. I DONT KNOW. I CANT FIND THE WORDS. I WANT SO MUCH TO HEAR HIM. HIS VOICE, HIS PERSONALITY, HIS LOVE. DONT BE MISTAKEN I "FEEL" HIS LOVE,  ITS AN UNDESCRBABLE FEELING BETWEEN US BUT I JUST WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TO JUST HEAR HIM SAY IT, AND SAY IT ON HIS OWN WITHOUT ME SAYING IT FIRST, JUST ON HIS OWN BECAUSE HE FEELS IT. "I LOVE YOU MAMMA" I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME. I WANT TO BE HIS MOTHER AND HONESTLY I DONT REALLY FEEL LIKE ONE. I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL PLAYS, GO TO SPORTS PRACTICES, HAVE FRIENDS COME OVER, GO TO BIRTHDAY PARTIES. I WANT HIM TO ASK ME FOR THINGS AND WHEN I SAY NO I WANT HIM TO BEG AND WHINE UNTIL HE GETS HIS WAY. I WANT TO ASK HIM HOW SCHOOL WAS AND HIM TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT. I WANT TO BE SANTA, THE EASTER BUNNY, THE TOOTHFAIRY. I WANT HIM TO TELL ME A JOKE AND LAUGH TOGETHER. I WANT TO HELP HIM WITH HOMEWORK AND TELL HIM HOW PROUD I AM WHEN HE PASSES A TEST. I WANT TO TELL HIM ABOUT GIRLS AND HIM TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, GO TO DANCES, PROM, GRADUATION, COLLEGE, GET MARRIED, HAVE A FAMILY, EVERYTHING! I DONT KNOW IF I'LL MAKE IT IF I CANT HAVE ANY OF THOSE THINGS,IF HE CANT HAVE THOSE THINGS.

I'M SO JEALOUS OF JESS AND JACKIE(MY SISTERS) FOR WHAT THEY HAVE. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE TO SAY AND I'M NOT SAYING I WISH IT WAS THEM OR ANYTHING AT ALL I WOULDNT WISH THIS ON ANYONE BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE WHY ME BUT MORE WHY CRISTIAN. WHAT DID WE DO? I KNOW THE OTHER THING IS LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE AND I DO(BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE), AND I'M GREATFUL FOR IT BECAUSE WITHOUT IT I DONT THINK I WOULD BE WHO I AM AND STILL BECOMING. BUT IN REALITY I'M NOT SURE IF THE "GOOD" OUT WEIGHS THE "BAD", THER IS NO "GOOD" IN THIS SITUATION. I MEAN LETS BE REAL. I READ ALOT AND MANY PARENTS SAY "I'M GREATFUL FOR MY AUTISTIC SON/DAUGHTER AND WOULDN'T CHANGE THEM" AND I PARTIALLY AGREE, I AM GREATFUL AND WOULDN'T CHANGE HIM BUT I WOULD CHANGE THAT HE HAS AUTISM. I DONT WANT HIM TO HAVE IT. I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH HIM SUFFER LIKE THIS. I'M SUFFERING RIGHT WITH HIM THOUGH I WILL EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE AND HE WILL NEVER BE "ALONE" AT LEAST I CAN DO THAT FOR HIM AND MYSELF AND I NEED TO KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT. BUT IT HURTS SOOOMUCH EVERYDAY I GET SO SAD AND SOOOO ANGRY BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO SEE HIM THIS WAY AND I JUST WANT HIM TO "SNAP OUT OF IT" BUT I KNOW ITS NOT HIS FAULTAND HE CANT HELP IT. IF THATS WHAT ITS DOING TO ME I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT ITS LIKE FOR HIM.

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Comments:

harle...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 1:09 AM

I actually remember reading your posts....

BIG OL HUG!!!

You are human and these are natural feelings. We have all gone through this at some point in our lives. You are doing what is right for YOU and YOUR family. Its ok to feel what you do towards your sisters? envy, not jealousy. Two are hard to distinguish.

Sometimes the things that are left unsaid are the words that speak the loudest. FEELING his love thats awesome! HE shows you he loves you in his own way. Its the bond between mom and child. Im sure, if you sit down, and actually think about it REALLY super hard. YOU will see his personality. I bet more than anything you see yourself in him in things he does, and accomplishes...

sorry for getting windy...

nice to see you back! =)

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Kryst...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 5:40 PM

My son is autistic as well.  If you ever need a friend to rant to that will really understand, send me a message.  =)  Hang in there!  You are doing a great job even if he can't tell you!

hugs

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MamaS...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 11:07 PM

i think i remember reading some of your posts. i wish there is something i could say to help but all i can say is keep your head up mama, you will have good times and bad times but all you can do is learn from it...my heart goes out to you...

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