Today, I was kind of sad most of the day. It's rainy out, maybe that has something to do with it. I had a talk with Johnny last night about how the kids don't like Catherine or her kids. He told me that he asks them if they want to go, and they say yes. He thinks that they don't want to hurt either of our feelings. They tell him yes, and they tell me they don't like it. He did agree that he will start letting them chose what pizza they like, and what movies they want to watch every other week for "family movie night" with Catherine and her kids. That helped me feel a little better. Also, he said he would let Catherine know that Thomas has been rude and bossy to Sam. I told him that was the only reason I brought up the subject, because Sam never complains or says anything bad about any of it, and he's starting to say things that he doesn't like. Then he hurt my feelings, because Liv asked him if he was okay when he tripped over something. He said almost. That made me think that he meant he was almost okay because I was about to leave. I have got to stop being so tender hearted, and taking things so defensively! How can I though, when I still love him so much? It hurts to know that he is with someone else, yes, but I have Zach now too, so it's only fair. I'm trying to accept her. I really am. Anyway, today, I texted him to make sure I was clear on the arrangements for this weekend. I threw in that this was killing me. He said ugh. I said yeah, you too huh? He didn't answer. I said it helps me to know that you feel the same way. Still no answer. Last night, when I talked to him, I thought maybe he really does love her, because when he talked about how much he hates her son, but that he was her son, and he had to accept him if he was going to be with her....I almost started crying. I hate when he doesn't respond to my texts. It kills me even worse than when he talks to me in that tone I hate so much. I know he was ignoring what I said, because I texted him again later about Sam's issue at school, and he responded right away. When he picked up Jonna, he was all jokes like any other time. Why can't he just be an asshole all the time? It would be a lot easier, I think. I feel better than I did in the begining, but I'm still having a hard time with it all. I feel like I'm losing him....why can't I just let go and let him be happy? Because deep in my heart, I don't believe that he really is happy. Or is that just psycho talk? I don't know. Someday, maybe we will see. But will I be able to just drop Zach if that time comes? I'm so afraid to move on, for fear that Johnny will come back to me someday...and that affects my relationship with Zach...I can't truly love him like I should or could. I hate feeling this way!

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