It's another one of those days where I can't wait for Blaine to get up from his nap so I have something to occupy my time & my thoughts.  The only difference in today & every other day is I want to get so much off of my chest.  Yet, no one's here to listen. 

I feel like my head is spinning in decisions & thoughts & such.  I can't make up my mind, because no choice is completely plausible.  Nothing is going to change.  I'm going to be here, in the exact situation, for the rest of my life.  I just want out right now.  I've spent over a year trying to better this whole thing.  Trying to make something out of nothing.  Just when I think things are about to change & what I want is about to happen, I'm let down.  Every...single...time.  Welcome to the real world, I guess.

I can't have my cake & eat it, too.  I can't have what I want to have & go where I want to go.  I have to stay & hope it works & we can have what we want, or I can go & lose that hope completely.  I just want this.  I never saw myself here.  I never wanted any of this.  This is not me & this will not define me.

I dealt with where I am.  I thought I had found ways to better this.  But it's not happening for us.  So much time & money & bull shit put into it all.  It's not like I'm asking for something completely ridiculous.  If other people can have it, why can't I? 

 

Ugh.

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Comments:

jes477
Nov. 20, 2010 at 12:21 PM

If you have already spent a year trying to make something out of what you already know is nothing - why stay and sink more of an investment into it?  If it is a relationship, they all take work and there are always times when things are hard - very hard.  But in order for things to change, both have to be willing to work at it and towards a goal.  Sometimes things dont always go the way we think they should or want them to.  It is the struggles that make us who we are and make us appreciate the good times that much more.

Take a few hours/days/ and write down what you want, what you need, and ways you can get there.  And then make sure the decision you make is really what you want.  And then begin to make the changes if you chose.

 

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mommy...
Nov. 20, 2010 at 2:15 PM

Most of this has nothing to do with a relationship.  & we know what we want & what we need to get it, but it just isn't happening for us.  & because of that, it is putting a strain on us in a big way.  You'd have to know the situation to understand.

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