He picked up Jonna last night around 6:30. Saw that I have been watching Grey's Anatomy from the DVD sitting on the fireplace. He commented, I told him he should watch it....better than House, or even ER when we liked it back in the day. He looked sad. I asked what was wrong. He said he didn't think he could bring himself to watch it...and old friend used to watch it all the time. Light bulb!!!! He was talking about Candice. His gf before Catherine. I almost giggled just now....he must have a thing for girls that have names that start with "C". Wonder if little memories like that about me affect him like that? He'd never tell me if they did. Sometimes, I think I'm sooo weak. Maybe it's just my big old tender heart that gets the best of me. What is wrong with me? I have the most perfect bf that is a better dad to my kids than Johnny ever thought of being, he's so good to me, and the kids too, and here I am, still pining over Johnny! I'm wondering if I'm still feeling guilty...trying to make it all up to him by letting myself suffer...by still holding on. Yes, I think that I'm the reason he's turned into the total asshole that he is now. Am I right though? He was always "good" to me, but he told me once that was only because he thought I was worth it then. He's always been a dick to his mom....maybe he's always been the person that his is now, he was just faking nice and loving when we were together. He IS all about image, and what other people think about him. Was is real...or all just for show, because it's what he THOUGHT that's what a good husband did? I may never know. I just hope he doesn't hurt his gf now like he's hurt me the last year and a half. If she only knew how he talks about her son....I don't think she would like him very much! I know I wouldn't. Hell, I don't even like the way he TALKS to our kids!!! He's even a dick to them! He's just not the same person he used to be....to any of us. He told me once that he felt like he was turning into me...the old me I'm guessing. If I was really ever that bad of a person, I'm really sorry!!!! Maybe I was, and I just never saw it. Sometimes, I want to just hug him and tell him how sorry I was for being like that, and putting him through so much pain because I was so bitchy and hateful and....well....just everything!!! Would it even matter now? I think not, so I just keep it to myself. He doesn't care anyway....

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