My two weeks are up and I have to go back to work Monday. My heart just pounds at the thought of leaving the house to be honest, am I ready to be around the children, will I be able to hold myself together, will I ever get past this empty feeling I have inside me??? All questions I have but only time will reveal my answers. My husband says I should give myself a few months and maybe think about being a stay at home mommy again but I would feel like I'm letting our family down financially without the income my working brings in. He is such a sweet heart....

I was at the store yesterday trying to get into the holiday spiret, it was like every corner I turned a sweet little face looked my way and smiled. My heart felt the impact in that instant and I had to hold back the tears that were filling my eyes.

I ran into a handful of friends also and even with the joy it brought to see them after a long time I was having difficulty being my normal self. I was asked three separate times "why do you look so sad". So as I try to explain I could feel myself literally start to shake from the inside out and would have to be brief with our visit. I felt bad as they were hugging me goodbye, I should be able to give people I care about my time. I am blessed to have so many in my life who care about me and what I am trying to work through. I try hard not to bring those I love and care for down around me, the joy they have in life is very important and I am happy for them n want to share in what happiness they are being blessed with.

Our Ethan is home with us and still I want so badly to go back in time two weeks and just feel his warmth in my arms once again. I can't have that but what I can give myself is the knowledge that in time I will feel like I can breath, that I will beable to say his name without feeling like I might fall apart at any given moment and that someday in the future I will have another chance to be a mommy again.

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Nov. 21, 2010 at 10:03 AM


Maybe being around the children again is what you need. SEEING their faces, and smiles knowing that you helped them with those smiles. Way i look at it, when my son Deryck looks at me and just out of the blue with a big ol smile and looks at me and says "I dub You!" I think it is my brother doing it. It may sound corny, but things work in weird ways. He use to do that all the time, my brother that is.

 Ethan is with you, in more ways then one. He is letting you "know" he is there. Have comfort in knowing that he will always be there, may not be in physical form, but you will "know". I know Im not much help this morning, I will be thinking of you and have been the last couple of weeks. I admire your spirit and your strength, and your families. Take it a day at a time, it does get easier and you will be able to breathe.


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Nov. 21, 2010 at 12:09 PM

I'm not sure I would be able to go back to work either. I'm already a SAHM so I didn't have to face that with my loss but I'm not sure how I would have felt. I say feel it out when you go back. If it's not something you can do then don't (or try no to) stress it. It's great that you have such a wonderful and supportive husband. Also, don't beat yourself up over your interaction with friends and others. You've experienced the ultimate loss. If people can't be sympathetic and understanding then shame on them !  I know we don't share the same faith but I'll still pray for you. You take all the time you need. There's no expiration date on grieving the loss of a child.

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Nov. 21, 2010 at 12:51 PM

One day, you will be a mommy.  It will happen and you will be wonderful.  That is apparent in the way to talk about the children and others as well.  Your husband - well he is obviously a very loving, wonderful man as well.

Take each day a step at a time and know that Ethan would want you help others and be a part of other children's lives.  He is with you - and will be always.  He knows you love him.  He feels that too.  Angels give us strength and support and wrap their wings around us when we weep.  Ethan will help you through with his wings.......and will be there when you need hiim most.

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Nov. 21, 2010 at 1:34 PM

Girl's you are all wonderful ladies! Hugs

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Nov. 22, 2010 at 1:42 AM

I'm sorry. I'll be saying a prayer you'll do okay at work. Time...sometimes that is all that helps to cope with all you've been through.

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