Journey back to ME.

My battle with stress, and anxiety.

Today I decided since I hadn't been but 15 miles from my house in 2 yrs due to my anxiety panic disorder that I would try to go out today. My DH kept asking and I long to do a bit of Christmas shopping since I haven't in the past and it has left me feeling rather sad and not in the spirit of Christas.

So we left at 945am this morning and it was hard and I had a few problems but I made it to one of the large outlit malls about 30 miles from here..

I was so HAPPY.. and proud of myself. For once my husband was too.. I was still very nervous as I shopped but I was able to get some great buys on clothes for the kids and I also was able to find a new Toy store there. I was So happy that I  could at least have this one outing even if it might be my last.. Ice and Snow are coming in the next few days and I hardly leave the house then.. but to go to work (im off this week).

After shopping there we left and I even marked it on facebook so others could see my progress. We then started back home and stopped at a grocery store to pick up things for Thanksgiving.. I was happy about that but still feeling the effects of the anxiety.. and growing tired from the med and fighting the feelings.

Needless to say we just got home. My DH said .. Are you proud of yourself and I said.. YES and I'm glad I could do this with you.. We haven't been out in 2 yrs due to this..

Well I called my mom up to tell her and she was like ok .. then she was like .. I hope you make it here on Saturday for our Thanksgiving.. I said .. you are 2 hours away I can try .. but alot depends on the weather and how I feel that day.. Plus Ive tried going there and I'm not ready.. I've been told not to push myself to hard..

Well... my mom thinking this is just not as hard as I make it.. Then makes me feel like Crap...

All that happiness soon in the dump and I feel like I'm dumb and I should be able to do all that others do... ya know? I was a busy mom doing things going places .. LIVING LIFE!!!!

I have no answer to why this happened and now I have to start over going places slowing and doing things again.. But what I don't get is why can't my family just think about how I feel ... How I deal with this... It's harder on me then it is on them..

I feel it .. daily .. and it tears me apart.. this holiday season when once I use to LOVE IT!!!

OK... I'm done .. Sorry .. I just had to get it out ...



You know ... It's not that I can't take more meds or whatever.. It's just that I have been working on this for over a year now.. and I do make strides and progress. I feel so great when I make it somewhere.. and today was great!!!! I haven't been this happy in along time. I actutally got to get christmas gifts for the kids.. something I was so upset and depressed about last year...

I shouldn't let what others family or not say.. but really.. I would love to be there with them.. They are sad and upset when I can't be.. how do they think I feel?

The quilt that fills me... they wont come here... nor would I ask them because they are older and  it's suppose to ice and snow.. I don't want them out in all that ..

For years it has always been we  go there.. last year it was hard.. this year I tried to make it so it wasn't so bad with having a late in the year cook out.. I keep trying and yet it's not making anyone happy.. THey cannot see my progress.. nor my suffereing ..

I'm still feeling the effects of today's trip.. I will till tomrrow.. I'll be so tried and exchusted.. I will feel numb all over... dizzy and such.. and yes their heart will break.. on the days I can't make it ... but I have all this plus quilt and heartbreak..

I want to get better.. pills only help so much.. I took mine and you have to fight still... I know women that still are having problems doing what it has taken me a year to do..

I just want someone to say ... GREAT!!! I'm PROUD of you... and to boot.. I want to hear. . It's ok if you can't make it .. I know you will one day .. and that's OK..

Till then I will just cry, and feel defeated... and quilt..

This is why the holidays are so tough... I use to love them..

Now I despise them...

Thanks for reading .. I hope if you know someone with stress, anxiety, panic disorder or depression you think about all they think and feel inside.. please don't judge them for all they now can't do but praise them for all they are  trying to do.. it's a daily fight!!!

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Comments:

Godsl...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 2:01 PM

Sorry to hear your struggling. I know how you feel. I also struggle with anxiety quite a bit. SOme days it is not so bad and others it is horrible. I have moved from the town that was causing my anxiety to get worse, and even now I still have to go intot hat town for appointments and as soon as I get into that town I begin to panic. The feeling inside that I get is far from pleasant, and your right about others not understanding. When I do not have an appointment or a meeting I stay home. I am now to the point where I do not like to leave my house unless I absolutly have to go somewhere.

If I have to go shopping and the store is really packed I leave the cart with my stuff in it and leave the store and give up. If people bump into me I panic. If I am with someone at the store and all of a sudden I dont see them I freak out. I also dont like going over to other peoples houses and they dont understand. Some of my friends have asked me to stay with them overnight and I cant do it, if I do I am filled with anxiety the entire time.

My own family doesnt understand me at all. People who dont suffer from panic disorders or anxiety have a very hard time understanding why it is difficult for people like us. They assume we make it out to be harder then it is when in reality it is quite difficult for us to just step outside some days. Sometimes I feel alone in this, so I understand completly how you feel.

You should be very proud of yourself for making it out today to go shopping. Do not allow anyone to steal your joy away. Continue to be happy about what you did to despite what everyone around you may be saying. They are ignorant and do not know what people like us go through, so pat yourself on the back and ignore them when they try to bring you down or say hurtful things. You are better then that. You know yourself, you know what you are capable of, and do not allow others to push you into doing anything uncomfortable cause it could backfire and cause you to get worse, so look at what you did today as a step in a positive direction, be proud of yourself, and let others think what they will, You deserve to have support and you deserve to be happy about making it out today.

I wish you the best. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. God Bless.

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tiddl...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 2:22 PM

I AM VERY proud of you!!! I want to give you the biggest hug! Do not let your mom get to you. Enjoy this moment. You worked hard for this moment!!! I want to say it again..I AM PROUD OF YOU!

 

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LilyP...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 4:30 PM

I would be VERY proud of you as well! 

I just saw your post and wanted to comment. I would not worry about extended family's thoughts so much. NO need to worry about how they feel....it is between YOU and your DH and how you both feel and how he can encourage you to enjoy more moments like the one you had today.

Share those moments together. I understand about anxiety and when I was in my early 20's I had had an issue....had cabin fever I guess they called it and I am actually a pretty outgoing person and LOVE to be around people!!! Lots of friends! This was 1983 or 1984.

I ended up on medication and then after a few weeks took myself off ( Xanax ) and never looked back. Now I understand few people DO need the medication but I did not want to keep taking something that I felt I could control. 

I've not looked back since then. And here it's been about 25 yrs since I last was on anything. 

You can do it! Be proud of YOURSELF! 

I agree with the two posters above me! 

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Lb128f
Nov. 24, 2010 at 12:36 PM

You should be PROUD of yourself!! I'm proud of you!!! I'm sorry some people don't  understand....please don't let them bring you down!! I hope you can have a great holiday and enjoy it with your family!!

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babyb...
Nov. 24, 2010 at 6:08 PM

Yay!! You took a HUGE step! I'm very PROUD of you and you should be too! You knew your limit and you pushed right through. Hold your head up high!

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carrie24
Nov. 25, 2010 at 6:59 AM

 I AM PROUD OF YOU! YOU DID A WONDERFUL THING GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GOING CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND YOU NEED TO FEEL REAL PRIDE IN THAT! SO DO NOT LET ANYONE LET YOU FEEL GUI;T ABOUT THAT! WHEN YOU CAN GO FUTHER, THEN YOU WILL GO FUTHER AND YOU NEED TO BLOCK OUT ANYONE THAT IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT! (even if it is your mom)

     jUST KEEP TRYING EVERYDAY AND CONTINUE TO FEEL PROUD OF THE  PROGRESS YOU ARE MAKING, I AM!

clapping

 

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