Isn't it odd, how there are moments when one can simultaneously feel both completely empty and yet filled with pain? 

And when those feelings exist in moments, they are manageable.  We can compensate for those feelings, we can remind ourselves that the situation is merely temporary, we can tough it out and power through.  But there are times when those feelings are not transient, times when they - for so many good reasons - take up residence deep down in our very being.

No armchair diagnosis needed.  No, it is not depression.  It's not even a simple adjustment disorder.  It's not medicate-able and that's very well and good because life shouldn't be medicate-able.  The experiences of our lives are to be learned from and we must be able to grow and cope, to reach our fullest potential.  To dull emotions with pharmaceuticals as opposed to hear the lesson they are sharing is not the answer. 

So many reasons to give up, and yet giving up is never a solution.  So many reasons.  The changes brought by the death of my husband still so strong, never enough money to do what needs to the done, the house in constant jeopardy, weeks without groceries a way of life, many days and even weeks without heat or water. I have healed from his loss, and from the loss of my own child and my own parent - but even when the healing work is done, we miss them every single day.  And the impact of death, the devastation to a family, is long-standing.

Working several jobs at once, returning to school to complete a graduate degree, battling a chronic and life threatening illness, living in constant severe physical pain.  Fighting every moment just to stay afloat.  The endless efforts merely to exist, it's a battlefield that I'm so beyond ready to leave and yet the devices of my miserable existence insist that I remain in this hell.

Years invested in getting by, in making improvements, in strengthening one area or the next.  Years invested in developing a skill set that often makes it appear to others that my life is handled with ease.  Years invested in doing without.  Without doctors, without dentists, without medications, without the care needed to maintain my condition.  Years invested in doing without holidays and dinners and family and gifts and decorations and all of those things that are so strongly associated with the well-being of humanity.

It has to be anonymously posted, as there are many who know me here and many who would be shocked and disheartened to learn that this is my reality.  So again, I remain behind that cloak of competence, that mask that belies my true existence ...there is more.  So much more.  And yet, in this moment, I am unable to continue.

To feel like an empty shell, overflowing with raw, unadulterated, overwhelming pain ... day after day, week after week, month after month.  The promised relief repeatedly revoked, there will be no recharging of your soul. 

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Comments:

vicesix
Nov. 25, 2010 at 1:38 PM

I'm sorry for your situation and hope things will be better soon. I know that sounds empty and cliche, but I'm not sure what else to say.

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LisaLulu
Nov. 25, 2010 at 4:15 PM

Of all the masks that we wear, hiding our true selves, it is the mask of competency and wellness that most defeats and deceives us. I wish you peace and serenity.

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ihate...
Nov. 25, 2010 at 7:22 PM

I am so very sorry. 

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ibebr...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 5:13 PM

i wish you would pm me

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orang...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 6:54 PM

I'm So sorry you feel this way. All I can say is take strides to better it. Sitting in the situation is, you're right, never going to change. If you don't like something, do something about it!!!!

BIG HUGS!

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doodl...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 9:52 PM

hugs

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justn...
Dec. 2, 2010 at 4:46 PM

So who's the brainiac who can't see by this post that you ARE actively doing something about it?  Wow, that's -uhm- impressive (NOT). 

Not only doing something about it, but doing so much more than most ... and I know how difficult it is, it's a long hard road that no one who hasn't walked this road could even come close to understanding. 

It will come.  It's harder than it should be, but it will come.  And I know it's really difficult to do, but hang tough ... you'll get there.

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