Melissa...'s Journal

Grief of Losing My Husband

It was our first Thanksgiving without you. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but in all honesty, it was really hard to be thankful when all I could think about was what was missing. We went to your mom's house and had dinner with your side of the family. The whole time I just kept picturing you there. Trying to imagine what you would be doing. Who you'd be sitting by. Who you'd be talking to. There was a huge empty space, and no matter how many people were there, the emptiness was still felt by everyone.

Halfway though the night, I lost it. I hid out in the bathroom because I didn't want everyone to see me crying. When I finally came out, I found your mom hiding out in the laundry room doing the same thing. We just stood there for the longest time hugging and crying together. Sometimes I can hardly stand to look at her because the pain in her eyes just tears me apart. I can only imagine though that people must feel the same way about me because I'm sure the same pain is written all over my face.

The panic came back for awhile today. That's the part that scares me the most. Most of the time I feel like I can hold everything together and be strong, but when the panic sets in, I just feel like I've lost all control. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not going to be able to do this without you.

I know I have to be strong, and I know I have to hold it together, but sometimes I just get so damn tired. I wish I could just lock myself in my house and never leave. I know being around other people, especially during the holidays, is good for me and good for the kids, but sometimes it feels like such a burden. Some days I just wish I didn't even have to get out of bed.

I really need a sign today. I was hoping I'd have one, but so far nothing. I know that the harder I look the harder it is to see, but I can't help it. I just feel so lonely for you right now. I wonder what you're doing. If you're looking down on us. I really miss you.

 

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Comments:

OoSha...
Nov. 25, 2010 at 11:56 PM

Hang in there hun... :)

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RoseWall
Nov. 26, 2010 at 1:52 AM

hugs

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Crazy...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 2:54 AM

Dearest Melissa,

There are no words that could possibly ease your pain. Dealing with a loss of a loved one is the hardest thing we ever face. Two years ago I lost my mom with whom I was very close. My heart still aches for her so badly. You did the right thing to get out of your house and spend time with his family. It's those who go through the same pain that can somewaht share and elevate ours.

You have beautiful kids (I looked through your pictures now). They will help you get through this. Our life leads us through mountains of joys and valleys of despair. But we will come winners at the end, only if we keep on going, one little step at a time.

Thinking of you tonight and sending you my heartfelt hug.

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stacy...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 6:31 AM

hugs momma.. you will make it through this...If you ever need someone to chat with pm me.....I also lost my mom very suddenly almost 2 years ago and it still hurts very much today.....

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rebab...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 12:43 PM

hugs

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etexmom
Nov. 26, 2010 at 11:55 PM

Your letters are a beautiful tribute to your husband.  I can't even imagine what you're going through!  You have experienced what most people wish for in a relationship and I too, wished you could have grown old with your husband.  Bless you!

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angel...
Nov. 28, 2010 at 4:31 PM

It's so very hard I know and I understand the utter desperation and despair you feel. Losing someone so special causes immeasurable pain and holidays and special dates just highlight the huge loss even more and that pain is intensified to a much higher level. There are no words to make it better except to say that I think by writing these journals and sharing your feelings, you are showing your strength and at the same time, helping to release some of the emotion and work through your grief. I'm sure if Tim could, he would let you know he is always right with you and that when he can, he will send you a sign. I think when we get too anxious about it, it just won't come - it's usually at times when one least expects it, that is when something will suddenly appear. Hoping that time will come soon to give you some comfort. Many blessing and hugs xox

'He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, more present than the living man'

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