I used to look forward to serving a meal to my family, my Dad's seat was empty (he just passed), my mom's seat was empty (she is about to pass, I just got her settled in a facility 2 days ago), my sister blew me off, so this year we let the cat sit at the table. How lame is that. I miss my dad so much! But on the other hand I am glad he is not here to watch my mother decline. It shouldn't be much longer, but the pain of the wait is awful. My siblings are out in left field somewhere. My brother wanted to know if I was planning on taking my mother home to die,(I did this with my father, I mean JUST did this and I haven't recovered from that yet), but my mother's health issue are totally different, she needs to be where she is there is way too much she needs at this time to stay comfortable. He thinks it's easy to care for someone. My siblings have no communication nor have they spent quality time with my parents except for my sister. She helped so much on the last round that now she says that she is drained and can't do it. So I stand alone, I go 2 or 3 times a day to see her because I don't even know if my siblings will call me when she passes. I found my dad when he passed and called them all immediately, then the boys just wanted their $. It's so sad. They are well off and I am basically on every state program available, this year I was even provided a Thanksgiving basket from my town and Xmas presents for the kids are coming from different organizations. My brothers kids are over 20 and mine are 10 & 4, but instead of enjoying every second with them, I am watching my mother slowly pass, I am pretty sure she won't see xmas, which losing 2 parents in one year is well...heart wrenching. As I sit her with tears streaming down my face before the kids awake, I thank God for Cafe Mom and a place where I can share my feelings.

to my dad:

Dad I miss you...and the holidays are hard without you, you were my best freind and I know you would tell your kids to grow up and pull together if you were here. I am doing everything I can and I know that you are proud and with me everyday. Jax wanted to call you the other day he misses you like crazy too, being only 4 he wanted God's phone number to ask you about a recipe. I'm sure I will find it at the house once I get the courage to go in it. I plan on going today, I hired a sitter. Mom will be with you soon...but you already know that.  I love you.

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Comments:

third...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 5:28 AM

I am sorry for your loss and hardship at this time.  I actually know pretty much how you feel.  I  am 28 now and have been sorta taking care of my dad for the past five years.  It is SOOOO hard.  espefially as they age and depending on there character how they are or act.  he really wasnt much of a dad when i was younger and i was the only one and even now that wanted anything to do with him.

pleasee feel free to contact me if you just need some one to talk to that knows a bit of what you may feel or going through.

 

just keep god near and your head high

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goatmom4
Nov. 26, 2010 at 11:23 AM

the animals do have better table manners then some of my relatives 

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dancer
Nov. 26, 2010 at 11:24 AM

I know how hard it is to lose someone u loved. I lost my ex and it was really hard on me.  I went to the funeral last Saturday and I feel like a robot at work. All my prayers and deepest sympathies r for u.

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dancer
Nov. 26, 2010 at 11:29 AM

I lost my mom and since then,my whole family has left me out of the family gatherings as well as any other time of the year. They don't even talk to me at all!!!  My mom died in August of 1997.   Once in a great while my dad will call but that is it!!!   R u and your sibs close or r they distancing themselves from u?? Message me, we can talk.

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hiswi...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 12:30 PM

I am sorry for your loss we lost my aunt in 2007 & my grandfather in 2008 my aunts passing was the first we have had to deal wit hin many years my great gma had passed in 2000 but she was old & ready to go since the day my great grandad had passed in 1981...it is never easy to loss a loved one but even harder when you are very close to them...my aunts passing was very hard on the family she was the youngest of 7 kids & the first to go it put a dent in family gatherings & such but we still made it a point o visit family as often as we could...my grandfather was the foundation to our family since his passing our family has fallen apart so much....i try to visit my gma as much as possible she only lives 20 mins from me but she is always busy having very little time...i understand keeping busy to recover from the pain but shouldnt family be involved with the healing process?? I miss & love my gpa & aunt very much & am sad to say the more the family fades the harder t gets to deal with this pain...my prayers are with you & your mother for her to have a painless passing...& your strength to overcome  this.....& please know you are never alone we may not be blood but I feel that here at cafemom we are a new family...

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Addie4
Nov. 26, 2010 at 3:05 PM

Isn't it amazing how people show their true colors when someone they supposedly loved passes away.  I am so sorry for your loss and that your mother is doing so poorly.   I'm sorry your siblings are basically useless.  As I have gotten older, I've come to a point where I don't want shallow people in my life including family members.  My Aunt passed away a couple years ago and it devasted me.  It's been hard on her sisters too.  She had nothing really but considering how her daughter's acted you would have thought she was a million air how they argued over $$ that wasn't even there!  

I am so sorry.  I hope your sister finds the strength to help you with your mom.  As for your other siblings, maybe it's a blessing that their true colors have shown through and you can decide not to waste your time with heartless, shallow, me minded people anymore.

 

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alice...
Nov. 26, 2010 at 4:48 PM

I understand.  We have lost so many ... including my husband.  And the few that remain are in Sweden, so very far away.  Our Thanksgiving table was only my  6 year old daughter and me.   The absence of those we love cuts so deeply, so much more deeply than most understand

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tigre...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 4:17 AM

We lost my Mom to cancer (at age 62) less than a month ago, I was her caregiver for many months thru chemo, Hospice, and everything in between. My kids are 8 and 4 and loved her so dearly, she was like a 3rd parent to them. Yesterday it was really hard cooking by myself, I took for granted for all those years what she did. They miss her very much, and we've tried to be positive and celebrate her life, but we all still feel her loss.

I guess my only 'pearl of wisdom' is that everyone will have opinions about what is 'best' for your Mom and your family. About where your Mom should be, and what you shoulod or should not be doing, how you should be 'grieving', etc. At the end of the day, that is all, pardon my French, a load of crap. YOU be proud of yourself for stepping up and taking on a huge responsibility that no one can prepare you for. What you bring to your family is *you* - your love, your knoweldge of them and your desire to honor their lives by giving them peaceful deaths. Say to yourself, every day, I am going to honor my parents and myself by giving my best and then letting God do the rest.

Do something - even small - for yourself. Every day. This isn't selfish, it preserves your sanity and helps you keep going for the long haul. For better or worse, you will grow through this experience, and your kids someday will understand how loving and giving you were when times were hardest. PM me if you want to 'chat.' Hang in there.

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nanu43
Nov. 27, 2010 at 9:03 AM

so sorry... take one day at a time and ask the Lord for help... took care of my mom for 8 yrs... so know what your going through... sibling will have to deal with their hurt later... you will be blessed and have  no guilt when she passes... hugs to you...

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orang...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:34 AM

I'm SO SORRY!

I HONESTLY know EACTLY how you feel about feeling alone for the holidays. My father passed away on Christmas day 2008 EXTREMELY unexpectedly. Thanksgiving 2008 was the last time I saw him alive. Both holidays are SOOOOO hard for me.

Just trust in God, he has a plan. I know it's hard to trust, but he does!

BIG HUGS! If you EVER need someone to talk to, just PM me!

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