Jen's Journal

Follow along while I lose my mind.

Ain't easy on Mommy, anyhow.

I put the two big boys in bed and then brought the two littles into my room. C usually sleeps on some blankets in my floor... No more in the bed, not til he stops wetting himself... And Molly lays up here in the bed and nurses to sleep.

Well, tonight when I finished plugging in the phones, I looked over and there were C and Molly, curled up together in C's blankets and I said, "C'mon Moll. Let's get in bed."

She says, "No. Sleep with Corvyn."

Me, "You're going to sleep with Corvyn tonight?" Trying to hide the amusement.

"Yup! Gonna sleep with brother," she says.

Okie dokie. I smile to myself, knowing it'll just be a few minutes before she realises it's dark and she's in the floor without Mommy or milk.

Several times I have to tell them to stop giggling. Stop playing. Stop poking at each other. Really, what do you expect? They're two and three years old.

Then I don't hear Molly anymore... But I still hear C shifting around. Any minute now, she's going to get tired of this game and climb into bed with me or cry for me to pick her up.

Then I don't hear C anymore....

I get up and snag a phone for light... Go over and peek at them... And they're both asleep, side by side, hands entwined... And I can feel the tears start.

My last baby... just fell asleep somewhere other than my arms, other than my bed, without nursing. It's the beginning of the end of babies and I must admit.... that just breaks my heart. I've done this three times before... This end of (baby) days... And every time it has hurt... But never this much.

Oh, I know how many good things there are ahead of us, her and me. I've had two year olds three times before.. But it's the never having a two year old again that's got these tears flowing.

Every first we have is bittersweet. I love watching them grow... and I hate watching them grow. Especially Molly. It's easier with Leylan... Because I know, with him, the oldest, every good thing that happens... will happen three more times.... But with Molly, each first is a last as well.

No more pregnancy. No more births. No more newborn days. No more crawling-pulling up-walking-running. No more first words. So many no mores. And all I can do is pray... that when they have children, they let me be involved. Because by then, I know I'm going to be starved for the baby days.

I never knew, seven years ago, how much I would love being a Mommy. I knew I would love it... just not HOW MUCH, you know? It seems like it just slips away, the seconds, hours, days. It doesn't seem so long ago that Leylan was in my belly... Now he's out, with three siblings, in school. My baby-baby can read and write and do math and solve his own problems using logic... And he's so big and strong and handsome... And all I want is for him to be little just a little bit longer.

It's all I want with all of them... Just a little more time.

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Nov. 27, 2010 at 10:43 PM My dad says something like that to me every now and then. He'll say "why can't you just stay 5 yrs old forever?" Now that I have one of my own who will be 2 in march I know exactly what he's talking about.

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Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:06 AM

Sweet...I understand. So true!!

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Nov. 28, 2010 at 1:03 PM

Oh the treasures of motherhood.  I know how you feel, my first baby is a senior in high school.  :(

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Nov. 28, 2010 at 4:32 PM

So true! I wish that at times too!

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Nov. 29, 2010 at 11:36 AM

thanks, again, always, for your writing :o)

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Nov. 30, 2010 at 11:41 AM

Btw, who read this post 153 times? There are only 5 comments... and your other post has a little tag line about "49th most popular post" or something, but I didn't see that on this one... maybe I read it at the wrong time... anyway, just wondering. I think all of your posts should be read by at least 153 people!

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