Just sitting here and thinking about something. I have been generally a Preppy person and when I would have black friends they were usually ghetto. I was their friend because they may have been nice people or cool with me. but now that I notice when I was around them I did feel different. Like I don't want any of "their" bad habits to rub off on me. I knew I was doing good (this is like 9 years ago) my own car, I worked at the place everyone wanted to get into. I wasn't bothered with any black guy dragging me down. I kept myself around white people because I wanted a better standard of living.

Due to mounting stress from work and family I had to leave me comfortable lifestyle behind. In the thinking that if I left it all it would solve my problems. Yeah I wished I would have seeked a better counsler where I could have faced my problems instead of run away from them. Now that I am almost back on the path I left I feel that I should go back to my preppy style. By that I mean that I should not interact with black people anymore. Everytime i have since the "fall" I have been in unnatural situations. I tried to except myself with a black man and discovered not all black men are losers but the ones I have ran acroos are.  Everytime I am involved I get involved with my culture I get burned.

(as I move on) Now I have a black son. I am a single mother that is struggling. To make matters worst I have limited to no family friend supprt. But those are outside things. On the inside I feel incomplete because I am not the same preppy "white girl" from before. I feel like a typical black woman. Struggling.  I feel that when I denied my blackness I gained more. I want to regain the same "wealth" as before but it is hard. Some reason denying my blackness doesn't do or feel the same. Like I don't know what will get me past this point to reach that form of happiness.

Have I surrounded myself around to many ghatto black female that I can never reagain myself? I don't think some people really understand how deep this is for me. I was just thinking about the last two situations I was in. I was livingin with these people (different times) and they really did not know the real me. because if they really knew me they would understand how I think how I work. I know they may have seen me as normal. But I am not. Not that I am a freak or green alien but for the fact that I do not like to identify myself with my culture is a deep part of me.

I do know that not all white people are the best or their shit don't stank. I just want to have a good standard of living. it's real deep. My counseler has to be white. The college I am attending had to be white. I've been to black schools and hated every minute of it. I "fought" so much. By fought I meant had disagreements wiwth the teacher and her method of teaching. When I lived in the suburbs I recieved more help, meet nicer people, and nicer things were available. Now I live back in the city (detroit) and it is hard. Not only does it look dismal it is just tough. When people are nice around here it is a surprise or you know they are not from here. The culture and mentality is different than in any other place I have been.

I have lived out of state so I have expereince to speak on. This place makes you mean. I am planning to move but I am telling you this place does feel like a trap. I wasn't happy that I had to move back here because I know how hard it is to leave. So kinda like this place is hopeless. I want more for myself and my son. I don;t want him to know what I had to go through and I don't want him to experince anything out in Detroit. And I live right across a university I can easily transfer to but because my fear of black people I won't. I don't want to go to a school where the classroom can be filled with blacks because (from past experience) I never learned much. I usually sat in fear that I would get picked on. *sighs* IDK

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Comments:

Jazmi...
Nov. 28, 2010 at 12:20 AM

note: reason the blacks were ghetto is because they were.

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Lb128f
Nov. 28, 2010 at 1:56 AM

I'm sorry you feel trapped. Black or white issues aside...do what you have to do to get out, you know? You know what you want/need...work towards that goal.

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truth...
Nov. 28, 2010 at 8:42 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am white, so I don't understand it all the way, but my best friend is biracial, looks black, and identifies herself more with white people than black. She acts more "white", not black (she was raised by her black mom, parents divorced when she was a child) white people don't have a problem with it, but I have heard way too many of her black relatives and acquaintances pick on her or worse, call her an "uppity n-word" for her tastes and behavior. Why is it, when a black woman wants more out of life than the stereo types, wants to achieve and have nice things, security and safety, other black people have to treat her like that? I hope you find a way to achieve your goals. 

I'm in a similar situation myself, except it's more that I am now in the position of "poor white trash." I don't act like trash, I just happen to be poor and struggling, and get treated like it. People assume I'm uneducated (I just haven't completed my education) and stupid, because of what I do for a living (waitress, only job that pays decent and has a flexible schedule around here). I think with enough determination, any of us can turn our lives around. Good luck and God bless.

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Jazmi...
Nov. 28, 2010 at 5:04 PM

@truth girl don't be shameful of your job. It is a job. You are not sitting on your butt making more babies.  Yeah that is true I get the same treatment like your friend. I do not get it either that black woman are looked down upon for wanting more in life.

Yeah i do not speak with any slang so to most blacks I am from some other country or california. lol Like I could having a good/fun conversation with a (lets say) black guy and he is like Where are you from? And I am instanly let down because it's like what does that have to do with the conversation??? Nothing and I know once that has been said I am put off. 

I have a friend who is mixed and once said that black women have to work twice as hard than her counterpart to get the same success. I don't believe that because there are many successful black women in all fields. I think I am doing pretty good as a black woman. I only have one kid (had him at 26), obtaining a degree, I do not have men and people in and out of my house, I focuse on our well being and education. I know I am a good mom and that is loving.

I am working towards all my goals and keeping my eye on it even when it gets HARD. I definitly can't wait to get out of this economic situation which takes a toll on me. I would really like to have more friends that are into what I am into. Generally my friends are my "family" and my support system. I really want that...bigger and stronger support system. I just want the good life.

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karis...
Nov. 28, 2010 at 9:32 PM

I grew up in Michigan. Detroit felt like a trap to me growing up too. The county I grew up in was very racist and I really tried to open up to all cultures when I went to college. The funny thing was I had half a dozen black friends, but they were all from African countries. I had no successful African American friendships. The fact that I thought studying and abstinence (and monogamy) were important and clothes and possessions weren't made me completely unable to have a serious conversation with a large group of people. Good luck getting out of Detroit.

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