Why people think it is any of their buisness to know who helped bring my wonderful daughter in the world. Or why it even matters to them?  I mean is there life really that boring and uninteresting that they have to to know something that is none of their buisness? Before anyone says you had a baby with a girl people are going to be curious, I know that.  But being curious and actually thinking someone has right to know is two different things. Seriously have we not grown up enough to know the difference and the fact that we do not need to know something that is none of our buisness?

Why can't people take responsibility for their own actions?  Why do they have to make up lies about the other person?  I believe it is because certain people cannot take responsibility for their own actions.  They know that what they did was wrong and they just want everyone else to think that it is the other person's sole fault. It is tempting to let the real reason's for the break up of my marriage out there in the open for everyone to know but I would just be sinking down to their same level won't I?  Except I keep the secret to myself and let myself look like the biggest piece of crap in many peoples eyes, for what?

I have gone through life trying to do everythng to make other people happy.  Staying in relationships longer then I should have because I didn't want to hurt the other person no matter what they were doing that hurt myself.  I got married to my ex knowing that I had huge doubts about going through with it days before the wedding.  I didn't want to disappoint or hurt him for calling it off or anyone else for that matter.  So many people put money into the wedding that wouldn't be able to get it back had it been called off.  My marriage wasn't all bad but it wasn't all good either. In the end the bad out weighed the good and it took me a long time to make my decision no matter how hasty it seemed at the time.

In my next relationship everything was going great until I became pregnant and then things started to change for us.  I was blind to it, or maybe over looked that fact, for a long time trying to pretend that everything was okay. I tried to make things work for many different reasons.   I truely did love her and did consider ourselves married regardless of if it was legal or not.  We started a family together and i wanted to keep it that way but I somethings are not meant to be I guess.  There is a small part of me that misses being in the relationship but I know there is no way it would have been healthy to stay in the relationship for myself or my daughter.

I have so many things on my mind latley that I don't know what to think.  I have a hard time talking to other people about my thoughts and feelings and do not know why that is.  It has never been easy for me to talk to anyone about my thoughts or feelings. I have found when I have talked to people and confided in them they just turned around and broke that trust.  Or I am told that there is no reason for me to have those feelings. 

I almost never feel like I belong.  Even around my friends I am nervous and shy half the time, and its nothing that they have done that has made me feel this way it is just the way I am.  Often when I feel uncomfortable I start talking and then feel like an idiot for it. I bottle all my feelings up and keep them to myself because I feel like I do not need to burden anyone else with my problems or fears. I have found that I am really good at hiding my true feelings trying to convince myself that they don't really matter to begin with.

Wondering when or how I am going to stop bottling everything up inside?  Would things get better or will they stay the same.  Is it worth it to put myself out there? Or is it better if I keep on going the way I have been? I don't know

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