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So I realized today that it had been over a year since I had posted anything, and in that year, so much has happened, it feels like a whirlwind of a year.  Tucker is doing amazing, he just improves everyday, and reminds me that no one has all the answers.  He's not walking yet, and his seizures are far from under control, but he is a happy, laughing, smiling 2.5 year old!  He's now 26 lbs and almost 3 ft tall, he's growing so fast I swear it won't be long until he's carrying me around!  He has found his voice and loves showing it off, most of the time you hear him before you see him...and listening to his voice boom through the house makes everything we've been through seem so insignificant.

Last year, my marriage started to unravel, at first I tried to pretend it wasn't happening, and then I fought like hell to keep it from getting to where it is now...over.  We're both to blame, we both played a part in the undoing, although we both like to blame the other exclusively.  And for a while, it felt as if my life would stop, I didn't know how to be anything but Danny's wife...I had been with him since I was 18, and now, that part of my existence was no longer.  And then I realized; while I might not be his wife anymore, I was Tucker's Mommy, something that is more precious to me than anything in this world.  I'm the Mommy to a miracle, to a baby who defied the odds and LIVED.  There's nothing greater than that.  I could go on and on about what's been done, who did what and why he ultimately left, but that's not why I'm writing this.  I needed to write it out, to see it on the page...that part of my life is over, it's done and it's time to move on.  I had lost myself the last year and a half of our marriage, I wasn't the woman I wanted to be.  

The last 10 months I've realized that I don't need any man, I may want someone to be with, but I don't need anyone besides my son.  I started a CNA course in July and I finished it in August at the top of my class.  I'm working for a home health agency, and for the most part I enjoy what I do...I'm working on saving up money so I can start at a private nursing school to become an LVN, and then do an LVN to RN step up program.  I realized I depended on him for everything, and that is something I will never do again, I don't want to have to depend upon anyone to provide for myself and my son.  

Through the heartache, the tears and the loss, I've found who my true friends are. Who really cares about Tucker and I, and who was just there, well just to be there I guess.  We're blessed to have an amazing family, one who loves us more than anything and would do anything for us and have.  This is not where I expected my life to be at the age of 25, but then when does anything ever happen the way we expected it to?

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Comments:

Chica...
Nov. 29, 2010 at 8:14 PM

Good for you and it looks like you have your priorities straight! I'm glad to hear that you did not let another human being bring you down.

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