Why do all the behavior problems come all at once?

[fashionzebra]

I seem to be having all of the issues at once with my three-year-old SD. She is defiant, refusing everything from going to bathroom to cleaning up her toys. Threatening a time-out isn't working anymore. I tell her she can do what I am asking or take one, and she chooses the time-out! I spend all day putting her in the corner and trying again, putting her back and trying again! She has started swiping her hands at me when I tell her no, and screams over everything!

I've tried to keep track of what could be going on differently that might be making her act out, but there seems to be no pattern. I've tried doing extra activities to get her to sleep easier, I've moved her bedtime back to eight, she is constantly asking for candy and chocolate, things we don't really give her. She kicks me when I have to physically move her to the time-out corner. I've gotten so angry with her screaming at me that I have spanked her. She tried to hit me in the face last night when I put her to bed, so I restrained her hands, and then she went on a screaming rampage...

I don't really know what I am asking for here, maybe some new ideas. I'm concerned about the screaming at bedtime become even harder for all of us when the baby comes. I always hear about how hard it is to get a new baby to sleep, and hubby and I hardly sleep much now!

I feel a little bit better just putting this into words instead of stressed out sounds. 

[Lb128f]

May. 5, 2007 at 10:52 PM

Whoa...the whole time I was reading your post I was thinking..."What is happening in this child's life that is different to make her change in this way?" Then I got to the last paragraph...."when the baby comes"...maybe she is excited, scared, confused about having a new "life" in her home?

I know as adults we can grasp a new baby and all the changes that occur (even though it sometimes is hard for us too) but as a 3 year old who has had you and Dad to herself for 3 years it can be very hard. And, I see you are having a girl (congrats!)...although this may worry her more than if it were a boy.

If you hubby said..."I'm bringing a new wife in the house in a couple of months and everyone is going to like it!"...how would you feel? I would guess pretty confused (along with a few other emotions...lol)....I'm sure your daughter is feeling the "stress" of things beginning to change with the baby on the way.

I know it would be easier to do time outs (if they worked) but maybe you could offer your daughter some extra time?  Listen closely to what she has to say.  If she screams put her in her room and tell her when she stops acting up you can talk with her.  Maybe do some specials things together (alone) in preparation of the baby coming?  Make a "big sis" tee shirt?  Make a tee for the baby?  Let her help pick toys for the baby or do other things to make "space" for the baby?

This age 2-4 is such a time of growing and independence for little ones.  She may just be "testing the waters"...if that is the case then you being patient and consistently doing the same thing (time outs, send to room) will work...as you know it does take time for children to understand that you are in charge.

I could be totally wrong but I think this may help.  I have experienced this twice in my life and both times it worked.  I hope it does for you! Good Luck and Congrats again on your new arrival!!

[fashionzebra]

May. 6, 2007 at 12:44 AM

Thanks for the advice. I've tried many times to give her extra attention, affection, etc. She seems to act out more when I try to ask her to talk to me about what is wrong. I've tried doing more activities to get some of the energy out.

I feel sometimes like there really is no solution, and just try to keep my  sanity during the hard times.

We've done a lot of different things to prepre her for the baby. She seems excited, and often asks to feel Sofis kick. We've already picked out gifts to give her at the baby shower so she doesn't feel left out, and her grandma is giving her a new my little pony bedset when the baby is born. 

The biggest problem we seem to be having right now is with language. Again. She is getting very lazy about telling us what she wants, and prefers to make whining sounds. I don't know what whining sounds mean, but she will refuse to use words. 

My aunt suggested play therapy. She said it worked very well when my little cousin was getting very violent and would not communicate. Apparently sand can have a very calming effect on a child while they play. Preschool is coming soon, too. I'm sure we'll have a whole new box of wonders to deal with very soon... 

(Original Poster)

[Lb128f]

May. 6, 2007 at 3:42 AM Yes, I agree on the preschool (may be more be issues) but, it will be good for her. Learning to talk nicely, share, etc....until then I really think you are doing the right things.  If the time outs aren't working right now just tell her she can't be around anyone when she is acting up and let her stay in her room. I am sure she will want to be a part of whatever is going on and when you don't respond to her whining but instead stick her in her room she will learn that you will not listen to her unless she speaks nicely with you.  My neighbor has a 3 year old and she started doing that and got great results (actually sometimes the child ends up staying in her room and plays and Mom get a short break)!  ;-) My daughter tried it with her 2 year old and got good results, too! And, she (the 2 year old) is a "crazy" screamer!!  Thankfully, she also has an 8 month old and he turned out to be a calm, relaxed, happy child (so far)...lol!  Good Luck!! Post when you can and give us an update!!

[fashionzebra]

May. 6, 2007 at 1:12 PM

She finally fell asleep after three hours of this last night. I got so frustrated! I took her out of bed and put her in the bathtub with lavender. I used some calming baby lotion to massage her back and just made her sit with me for a while. She seemed to calm down some, so I gave her warm milk and put her gently back to bed. She started screaming all over, so I just left her there for the rest of the night.

Unfortunately, she started the same exact thing when she woke up this morning! Hubby was here to experience it this time. I felt kind of bad, but he never sees this behavior, it's usually when he is at work.He had a difficult time, of course, and ended up slapping her on the hand a few times because she was trying to hit him and wouldn't stop screaming.

I'm going to go back to a very structured day today. I figure if I can keep her busy for a while, maybe she'll stop being so demanding about everything.

Thank you for your help. I was really at my wits end last night! 

(Original Poster)

[Lb128f]

May. 6, 2007 at 2:55 PM Oh, I am sorry you are having to deal with this.  It is good though that your hubby got a chance to see the behavior too. Maybe you two can brainstorm and come up with something.  Have you tried rewarding good behavior?  Maybe with a chart or "prize" (stickers/stars) of some type for when she acts like a "big" girl? I understand that you don't want to have to reward her for acting the way she should act (on a regular basis) but maybe if she had some incentive to NOT being whiny/throwing a fit?  Good Luck!!!

[fashionzebra]

May. 6, 2007 at 5:42 PM

She doesn't hold any interest in rewards. She get s bored really fast. We were using a sticker chart for a while, but she doesn't care about it anymore...She refused to put her toys away again today, so after daddy telling her eighty thousand times to do it, I put them all in her baby crib toy and put them in my room. I'm going to try to give them back a few at a time to put away...

 

(Original Poster)