Our family had spent the week prior to Christmas celebrating with family. Likeso many Christmasses before, we had to return home for my husband to get back to work. We arrived hom late that afternoon only to realize that I  had spent so much time getting ready for that trip that I had forgotten to plan for our Christmas day meal. By the time I got into town all the stores were closed except for the local chain store pharmac, which left me the choice of a few questionable prepackaged food. It was certainly not the makings of our of our traditional meal. I picked through the available items as the children relished the idea of eating something "special". They rarely get to eat macaroni and cheese. I picked up some apple sauce and a few more goodies before heading off toward the check-out counter.

On my way, I passed the section for pregnancy test. For years my husband and I had been attempting to concieve another baby. A hasty decision after our fifth son was born led to a premature ending of our fertility with a vasectomy.

Butthe Lord uses our mistakes an we were in for some life changing experiences. The first was our entrance into homeschooling. Secondly, we began to understand how precious our fertility was to God and thus our road to a reversal was born. We went to Conway, Arkansas to a godly doctor using his gifts of hjealing to help return our fertility to the Lord. We expected the babies to be immediatley start arriving but that was not the case. By October 2006, we were informed that my housbands "count" was not significant enough to bring about a pregnancy.

So why in the world, on this Christmas Day, did you I decide to pick up a pregnancy test? I was only a day late and my menstrual cycles had been a bit crazy. After all, I was over 40 andwomen like me were not suppose to desire pregnancy; we were suppose to succomb to the inevitable-menopause.

I went hiome and prepared our Christmasd dinner, but I have to admit, curiosity got the best of me. I took the test and waited. A faint pink line? I could not believe it! I hid the test  under the bathroom rug so i could go back and check it without my sons seeing it. I wanted to believe that it was true, but I had gone so many years hoping and being disappointed that it was really beyond my comprehension that night. God was giving me a baby? Did I really get to have another?

My husbandarrived home after midnight. I WAS LYING IN BED ATTEMPTING TO SLEEP WHEN I HEARD HIM CALL FROMTHE BATHROOM. I got up to see what he needed. He'd found the test and needed an axplanation! I TOLD HIM I really did not know what to thik about the test-as the line was very faint.

We both decided we would get up before 6 am to get to Wal-Mart when it opened. At 6 am sharp we were buying triple pack of pregnancy tests. Being experienced "pregnancy test-taker," I HAD DUTIFULLY COLLECTED THE FIRST MORNING URINE< PUT A LID ON IT AND TOOK IT IN THE CAR WITH US> I needed to know right away! I took all three tests in the back parking lot of the store and they were all positive!

My husband and I were both ecstatic. Another bab? How wonderful!

The reality of the pregnancy hit me quickly as I became sick with all-day morning sickness. I spent the next 12 weeks in bed. The nausea was so bad that being vertical made me "green". On top of the nausea I could not bear to eat anything with color. As one if my girlfriends said, "I was eating white. Potatoes,rice and bread." Even ice cream which had been  comfort food for tyears was difficult to eat, especially ifit was not white.

I made it through and was on to the second trimester. My first trimester screening provided us with the first glimpse of our baby's profile, complete with my sharp nose. What a precious sight to see this incredible little gift from Gid sucking its thumb.

We were excited about the prospects of our 6th child. My pregnancy was normal and uneventful. The doctor had already done two ultrasounds and everything seemed fine. On April 17, 2007, we went to rtadiology office to find out the sex of our baby, our 20 week ultrasound. The ultrasound tyech informed us that she needed to take some standard measurementsfirst and then we would be on to the "big rebveal"! As she moved he instrument over my adbomen, I NOTICED something missing. Concerned because my 8 yr old was in the room, I calmly turned to the tech and said, "I haven't seen a heartbeat. She earnastly looked over and over and then ran a sound strip of our baby..... there was no sound. She quickly excused herself.

A dead baby? HGOW COULD THAT BE? IfI only have fairth, he could be raised to life, I thought to myself. I  hekld on to that hope but it was not to be a miracle of resurrectio. I was about to enter one if the darkest times in my life, a greif so dfeep it sometimes took my breath away, but I WOULD GET TO ENCOUNTER THE GOD OF A:: CREATION., my Father in heaven and jerj would grieve with me.

Our son Tmiotht Seth Fehlman was born nine days later on April 25, 2007. His body was lifeless but he was perfectly formed, His body stained with meconium but the most amazing thing about him was that when I TOUCHED HIS SKIN, he felt like a newborn baby.

In the days following his birth I SANK in my Heavenly Father's arms. He held my head to HIS CHEST just as a mother holds her child when his little heart is brokem andf He wept with me. He held and comforted me.

The words of comfort rom most people, well-meaning as wthey were, I found to be painful. What did they mean that it was probably "for the best?" Who's best? My baby who would never draw a breath? My aching mother's arms that longed to hold him? MY ACHING BREASTS THAT LONGED TO NURSE HIM? What did they mean wby sying that "God needed him in heaven instread?"

Tje words ran so holow. Sure, manyt of them were prefaced with, "I'm so sorry...." and then they added those aweful linbes. The most comfort came when a friend or family member said only, "I am so sorry. We were looking forwards to this baby, too". IT LET ME KNOW THAT THEY HURT TOO AND DID NOT FEEL THE N EED TO DISCOUNT MY loss with reckless words.

My sweet sons who had to longed to hold this little brother would never know him this side of heaven. And beacuse I grienved so deeply, the rerained from showingf me thgeir hurt. They each grienved alone., crying for thge brother they never got to know.

Life moved on and the reminders of our loss started to lessen but the sting was still there. I HAD SO MANY HURTS AND SO MANY QUESTIONS> Wwas I not good enough of a mother? Did I NOT DESERVE ANOTHER BABY? Why would God let me even get pregnant if He was going to take the abby away? Would my son even know me when I got to heaven? Would he love me like I loved him? At times these questions tormented me, but God in his mercy provided answers through His Holy Spirit.

One day when I questioning yet again, God's still small voice broke through my pain and guilt and whispered to me, "If ytou had not been willing, then your son would nbever have existed." These words tore at my heart but gave me peace. Suddenly, the "why" made sense. Our son needed to exist. Our willingness to follow the Lord's leading with our ferility had brought another would into existence. I was in awe of teh Lord.

I STILL WONDERED IF MY SON WOULD KNOW ME IN HEAVEN. I also wanted to knowhim. Three monthsd after his deliverry, as I WAS DRIVING DOWN THE road, a song came on the radio "To run with the angels on streets of gold, To losten to stories of saints new and old....." It was near the end of the song that I HEARD so clearly "I love you, mom" I knew this voice! It was a mature male voice, one I HAD NEVER HEARD ON EARTH before but I knew who he was. HE was my son, Timothy. I had gotten the gift of hearing my son. I would know him when I got to heaven.

I also heard the Holy Spirit's tender voice say to me "I dai there would be no husbands or wives in heaven, but I never said there wouldnt be mothers". My son will know me as his mother. I WILL GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOVE HIM WHEN I AM  in a place where there will be no pain, no sorrow, and no sin. All his will happen because my Heavenly Father loved me enough to gfive His Son to redeem me. I will see my son again in glory and in the presence of the only True Comforter. I will be in the presence of my Father that took me in HIS ARMS, put my head on His chest and wept with me

.by Denise Fehlman

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Dec. 5, 2010 at 7:00 PM

Wow!  Is this the magazine article your posting for BeanIrene?  This has got me sobbing!

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Dec. 6, 2010 at 12:16 PM

yes... but its not finished yet :)  It gets even better!

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Dec. 6, 2010 at 12:46 PM

ok.,.... done... sorry for all the caps... my shift gets stuck!

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Dec. 6, 2010 at 12:58 PM

cryinggroup hug

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Dec. 6, 2010 at 11:16 PM

Seriously a tear jerker.  Wow!  How powerful!!!

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Dec. 11, 2010 at 1:07 AM

that was beautiful, thank you for taking the time to write that up and share it

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Mar. 21, 2012 at 10:45 PM

I so needed to read this

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Mar. 22, 2012 at 1:09 AM

Suziejax, I 'm glad it touched you.

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