I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm tired of everyone trying to give me advice without knowing wtf is going on in my life. So let me tell you about the past 2 years of my life for everyone, so you can all shut the fuck up or provide advice I can actually use.

I met a guy on a dating service. We'll call him S. We talked on the phone for a month. he lived in another city about 3 hours away. He came down to meet me and we had sex. I was on the pill, a change from the depo provera I had been on for 5 years. We also used a condom. He went home, and it was nothing but non stop arguments once I was switched to third shift at my job. We broke up after 2 weeks of him going home. A few weeks later I was feeling kind of funny, not really sick to my stomach, but I started eating massive quantities of food, and weird things at once. I took a pregnancy test.. Guess what? I was pregnant for my second time in a year. (The first i didn't know about until I had a miscarriage at 4 weeks. That one was just a condom, no other protection.) So I go about making doctor appointments and finding out whats going on with me. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. Estimated conception date was the day(s) I had sex with S. So I called him and said "Hey this is what's up." And he said "When can I sign my rights away?" Just like that. He had a new girlfriend and didn't want the hassle of dealing with me. I ended up having to quit my job because my immediate supervisor didn't think I needed to be reassigned and my temper got the best of me and I quit without talking to my store manager. So Here I am, pregnant with no job, and no boyfriend of support from the supposed father. At the ripe age of 22. No college degree, no real friends, nothing. So I call my brother and tell him whats up, and we end up calling my mom and telling her the news. She was ecstatic. Sure it wasn't the best of circumstances but she was finally getting a grand child (my oldest brother cant have kids and my other brother just got divorced). So they said we'd figure it out. Fast forward through the rest of the pregnancy (had its ups and downs. I have journals about that) and whatnot until my daughter is 3 months old (bringing us to october 2009). My lease is due. I haven't had a job this whole time, No income, and still waiting for a court date for child support. So I had to leave. My landlords weren't angry, they understood. Said just pay them when I could. So I moved home.

My mom and i have a rocky history. That's no secret. After 5 months of living with her I made a bad decision and moved in with a guy (we'll call A) i had just started dating. We moved in together, then I got my taxes back and put money into his bank account (I was having issues with the bank accounts I had). We moved to another city a month later, and then he dumped me. We agreed to share the 3 bedroom apartment. It was 600 a month with all utilities  paid, and my food stamps covered my share of the rent.  A was a narcissistic abusive bastard but as long as I wasn't trying to interact with him in any way, we were okay living together. One day my daughter (9 months at the time) got into her poopy diaper. They all do it. Well, I asked A if he could come get her and put her in the tub so I could clean the poo. He worked with disabled adults and knew poo was easier to clean wet, so came and put the baby in the tub, with water in it up to her chest. Then he went into his room, turned music on and shut the door, without telling me he left the baby alone. I was 2 rooms away scrubbing the carpet. I heard the baby sputtering and rushed in to get her. After calming her down and making sure she was okay I asked  A wtf he was thinking and he said "I figured she was fine, since she can stand up." I moved out the next morning.

A half brother on my dad's side (named D) that I barely knew offered me a place to stay in his house. He had 2 spare rooms and a second bathroom that he wasn't using. I told him "Are you sure? I have a baby and she cries, like all babies do." He said not to worry, I could stay there as long as I needed. 3 months later he came home from work one morning and said "You have a week to find somewhere else to go." So I moved in with my Mom's oldest, A, who's lease said I could be there 2 weeks. I wasa there 4. Then was off to my moms again.

After 3 weeks at my mothers house, I was headed to the bathroom to pee and my mom stopped me. "S, (that's what my name starts with) can you and ben (my new boyfriend, who had aspergers, who i was dating for less than a week at this point), go get breakfast?" I asked if i could pee first and she lost it. So there I was, out the door with my now 15 month old daughter. I stayed with a friend, J, for a week while I looked for a job and a place to live. The state (wisconsin) couldnt help me. So I was headed for a shelter. In steps M and T.

M and T live in illinois and have a baby girl Liliana (my daughter)'s age. They had a spare room for us, and had been homeless themselves for 4 years, so knew what it was like. Promised I could stay here as long as I needed (where had I heard that before?). So I moved in. The environment here is kind of hostile. They yell a lot. I have a severe anxiety disorder that has spawned into OCD (not diagnosed yet) and all the yelling makes me so much worse. I have no where to go. I have no where else that can help me. All of my daughter's family (even the rich multimillionaire) refuses to help. I think they may call CPS on me soon (they don't take your child away just because you're poor).

So there's where my life is at.

-Don't tell me "Go get a job." because I have been trying. I got one, they promised me 20-30 hours a week, and gave me 4-8 I could actually work (finding babysitting is hard, and the state doesn't pay for daycare here. The YMCA does, but they won't pay for One day here, one day there like my job was trying to do.)

- Don't tell me to go stay in a shelter. The family shelters in wisconsin that I could have gotten to with no money and no car were all full, and the housing programs were closed to applications. The same seems to be true of Illinois.

-Don't tell me I shouldn't have had a kid out of wedlock.  I already did. I never wanted kids, but my choices are my choices.

-Don't tell me to call my human services department. I already did. No one can help me without a job, and I'm already doing their job seeking services.

So there. You wanna bash? Bash. You wanna give advice? Give it. But read my story FIRST, so you aren't spouting the same garbage as everyone else has and aren't telling me everything I've already done.

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Dec. 17, 2010 at 11:36 PM

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't, & I refuse to pretend other wise. But I do hear you, & can understand your frustration.

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Dec. 17, 2010 at 11:40 PM

Thanks. It just gets so tiring. Everyone says "Well get a job" or "Call DHS, they'll help." or "well, go stay in a shelter." It isn't that easy, and people don't really know whats gloing on. I get no child support, have no income, and generally don't even know where my next box of diapers is coming from. So I figured I'd post this so people can get off my case, trying to tell me i'm not trying everything I can to provide for my daughter, or that everything that's happened is my fault, and I could have done more. Swallowed my pride and stayed wherever. I don't really NEED advice, but more this was something to tell the advice givers "Look, I've got it covered. Just be my friend, or dont."

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Dec. 18, 2010 at 12:00 AM

Everyone needs a sounding board.  I wish that we could wave a wand to make things better, I know I could have used it when I had my son. If you just want to talk, drop me a line.  I'll listen. Take care and remember that you are not alone.

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Dec. 18, 2010 at 1:49 AM

I can't imagine going through what you have, and props for taking everything in stride to try to give your daughter the best you can. No advice here, I haven't been there so I wouldn't have anything helpful to say, but I'm sorry you're dealing with so much and I hope things work out for you soon.

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Dec. 18, 2010 at 1:02 PM

I wish could help you.  Keep trying, keep your head up high, you sound like a strong, wonderful woman, and a great mom. You can do it, I believe in you.

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