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12/27/10
- Dec 29, 2010 at 7:58 PM
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- Comments (2) Total Views (72) Everyone can see this journal post.
I'm just starting today to write because I want to. Its therapeutic. I have a lot to get out that I just needs out and I have a hard time sharing it otherwise to others. Let's start out today with my feelings today. *ugh* What a boring day. Not a lot of calls at work and it was just plain slow. I know it will pick up, but boredom is hard to cope with. It makes me want to surf the net even though I'm not supposed to.
Next, this is the hard one. My 16 yr old girl. She tells me today she has a boyfriend. Not a good plan. She's already got enough problems, but maybe it will keep her from the boys her friends like. I know I was not a fun teenager for my parents, but does it really have to come true that your child is worse than you were? Our recent revelation is that she has a cell phone (pay as you go) because we will not allow her to have one. Next, is that she's tried pot several times. Now the boyfriend. After reading her texts, it's no wonder why she cannot keep some friends. She flirts with the other girls' boyfriends and thinks there's nothing wrong. Where did we go wrong?
Right now, I feel so betrayed by my own child. I have tried hard to teach my children how to behave and I get stomped on. I internalize their behavior as a reflection on myself. Why? Right now, I'm not totally sure why. My DH thinks my sis and I have some silent competition about who can be better. I dont think so, but he's usually right. Who can better in the eyes of our parents? I dont see it that way because I know my mom doesnt understand a lot of the stuff we deal with (per our sons ADHD). We've never really seen eye to eye either. I say black and she says white. Either way, the whole thing just beats me down. I can only be lied to so many times. I can only give you back some trust that you've earned until you smash it. Once you do it enough, I'm not about to try to let you have any back. Trust is a fragile commodity that you cannot not piece back together if you have broken it enough times. (ooohhh, I cannot wait to tell that one to her!)
We're ready for technology to be reeled back. Do not give your children too much technology they cannot handle and that you cannot keep up with. While Christmas shopping I saw a girl about 9 with a fancy phone. She was texting in Target without a parent in sight. It was a pedophiles dream and a parents nightmare. When the child's pic makes it around the internet because she was coaxed to take a pic of herself and makes it back to her parents, do you think they will be happy they let her have the phone? I had to sit across the table from my dd and niece at Christmas dinner while they were both texting. I was quite close to ripping them both out of their hands throwing them in the 5" of snow we just had. You cant even turn off the phone long enough for a meal with your family? Really? We gave our children phones and the internet and the itouch. Then we found out that they use it for sending racy pics, nasty texts, stupid texts, and pretend to do their homework and almost fail. We had the monitoring software and checked their phones and everything else. It still didnt make a difference.
I just have a hard time enjoying being with her and looking at her right now. I hope this passes. I cannot live the rest of my life feeling this way. Right now, I have decided to write and focus on myself because I have ignored myself for too long. I need to lose about 20 pounds, strengthen my marital bond and discover some talents (old or new). This is not a New Years Resolution, but a life change right now. NYR's dont stick, but a life change is supposed to. It takes 21 days for a new habit, so I'll try this for 21 days. (thanks for the advice Real Time).
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