update.. backwards, forwards, and sideways...

[Dannille33]

Somedays I feel this is how my life is... always either going backwards, fowards, or sideways...

There is always though that shimmer of hope that my life will one day in the "Norm" again. At least I continue to pray it will be.

So how did Christmas go? Well, I can say this last year I spent it alone. As my family went with out me I sat here and my heart broke as they spent time with family and friends and I spent it within the walls of my house. I've come along way since last Christmas.

This Christmas I had a little mini buisness making pies. I didn't sell to many but I did sell a few. It helped with making the holiday season more enjoyable. Having my mom come the second week in Decemeber helped as well and now her and I skype which keeps us closer. We might not be able to hug one another in person but seeing her and her home is like being there. I am also able to now skype with my brother whom I see only a few times a year.

I was able to attened one Christmas. I went to my husbands grandmothers Christmas. I had very high anxiety and moments of panic. I have to say after arriving there I did want to leave but rather went outside and called my mom after a few mins of talking to her I was able to go back in and enjoy myself. Sadly I didn't get to eat anything my stomach wouldn't allow it but I was able to talk to others and that helped alot. I was happy that I could spend at least one Christmas out with my family. :) And my husband thanked me for going because he now is starting to see how hard it is for me to face crownds and situations that once came so easy to me.

There have been some times of Fog after Christmas. Times where I couldn't see 2 feet in front of me. I did try to make the drive to work but I didn't make it. My work does understand and though I had to not go one day last week it didn't stop me from always trying and the next day I did make it. One thing I have learned is how to fight with this. I use to want to give up in the first year of having panic/anxiety disorder but now I know that isn't an option for me.

New Years was ok. For some reason New Years eve always leaves me feeling anxious. Perhaps it's the New year or something I don't know. So I was asleep by 10 pm. I have to say the New Years is ok so far. I'm hoping to really make progress this year I have high hopes!!

Last week I started feeling alot of numbness all over and poor motor skills were starting to become a problem. I have had alot of jumbled thoughts and am very tired.

I went to my doctor for a med check as always ... and that was 2 days ago. She isn't sure what's going on and is watching me closely. She says if it keeps going on and worsens I am to have more testing. Right now the blood tests came back ok but they were just for thyriod and b12. She isn't sure but thinks it could be something that will show it's self in another month.. meaning it could be my anxiety or it could be something to do with my muscels and nerves. So time will tell. I'm hoping it all goes away and I'm fine. I can't really handle more then I have now.I am on more vitamins.. 5 to be exact and I've went 2 days with out taking my med in the day time but only at night. I think that is adding a little to the numbness and needles feeling in my hands and feet. I've done will and surprisingly I am more relaxed and to myself then my funny humorus self. My co workers arent sure what to think about that..

OK.. so that's the update for now. I'll post another in a few days ... I hope everyone had a great Christmas and Grand New years..

Cheers to positive things this year!!!!

May we all have a good year for once..

[Lb128f]

Jan. 6, 2011 at 5:50 PM

I'll be keeping you in prayer. I'm sorry you are having some issues going on....I hope the Doc can help resolve those!!