Dear Emotional Self

[geminilove]

Dear Emotional Self,

It's time I sat down and wrote you a little reality check. Here is the hard truth: No matter how much you diet and exercise you're *never* going to look the way you did when you were 19.

Ouch, harsh, right? Not so much. See, as your Rational Self, I've already come to terms with that statement, and I'm okay with that. Now, I just need to make you understand that.

You think you looked and felt fantastic when you were 19, right? Thin, smiling, happy, energetic? Sweetie, let me take those rose-colored glasses from you for a moment and show you who and what you really were back then.

You were thin, yes. At 133 pounds, you were a size 6. But you weren't a healthy size 6. You were BROKE, remember? Remember all those nights going to bed hungry because tips were so bad all you could afford for dinner was Top Ramen? (Again?) When you gorged on the free popcorn at the movie theater you worked at, because it filled up your belly so you didn't pass out? Remember being so broke that you washed your clothes in the bathtub with the plunger so you could save your laundry money to get a couple pieces of fresh fruit? Drinking 4 liters of nasty Phoenix Chlorox-smelling tap water a day because it was all you had? Remember when you thought asking them to load up double veggies on your Whopper was a great way to get a little extra somewhat healthy in your diet - because all you had on your pocket after you paid bills was $1? Dear, sweet, Emotional Self, you were not thin and healthy. You were malnourished! You choose not to remember crying everytime you brushed your hair and more fell out, but I do.

That smile? Look closer. See those dark circles under your eyes? I do. You were smiling because you were too young and naive and PRIDEFUL to realize people would step up and help you if you'd only asked. You smiled to hide the fact that you were sleeping on the floor, starving yourself, walking miles a day in 120-degree weather to do even the most basic things, because you had to account for every single penny to keep a roof over your head? Or maybe you just choose not to remember the times you sobbed yourself sick back then - like when you came home from the ER after the doctors shot you up with enough Demerol to OD you and left you to bleed out from a miscarriage while they took care of their more-important (ie PAYING) patients? Didn't it dawn on you that there was a REASON you couldn't stay pregnant back then?

Happy? You were overjoyed over the little things in life, yeah. Because those little things were so far and few between back then. That joy of cooking for you and your husband? That came from finally cooking something better than mac and cheese w/ 2 cut up hot dogs in it or peanut butter from the dollar store around the corner. That couch that was so awesome - was someone's CAST OFF from their garage that they GAVE YOU because they felt sorry for you sitting on folded up blankets on the floor.

And that boundless energy came from burning your candle at both ends with no thought to what happened when the two flames met in the middle - because there was no other option.

Look HARD at that old self in the mirror, reed thin and grinning like a maniac. Now look HARD at the 35-year old self there is now. Yeah, she has a muffin top, wider hips, bigger boobs, thick thighs, stretch marks, droopier butt, scars and whatnot. But you know what I also see? I see a grown woman who has endured and matured. She has passed through times when lesser wills would have broken and while they weren't easy, she pushed her way through out of the absolute stubborn refusal to do anything less. That body you hate so much? Sure, it could stand to be a little firmer here, a tad "less" there - but you know what else about it? It created, housed, fed, rocked, and comforted two beautiful babies. It *changed*, dear heart. Forever.

Now look HARD at those two laughing, goofy, loving, tall, gorgeous, generous, playful, intelligent boys that are fighting so hard for your attention, and pushing you to go on walks and play with them. Look at them honestly and say you would give them up to get back the person you were at 19.

See? That tight little body and happy-go lucky attitude person is gone, because that life is gone. And that's okay, because it moved on to make room for something SO much more important. I, your rational self, realized that a long time ago and came to grips with it. But I needed you, the emotional side, to come to grips with it too. Because it's going to take BOTH of us working together to make us the happiest, healthiest now-body we can be.

Oh sweetie, you're crying. That's okay, so am I.


Just remember, I may be rational and you may be emotional, but I still love you.


Love,

Your Rational Self