So i started counseling today because of everything i have kept bottled up all these years. She suggested i started a journal wich i plan to do but i thought another good way was to put it all in writeing. I dont expect sympathy or anyone to even read it or reply to this post its just a vent.

When i was around 3-4 years old i remember me and my brother being at our appartment complex pool and sitting there watching my best friend drown. No one helped him the baby sitter just sat there bathing in the sun and never attempted to help him.

Growing up my dad always told me and my brother that after a certain age you could no longer cry. Thats how he was raised he was abused by his parents and then at 18 droped of here and told not to come back. He also abused my brother and before we were born he abused my mom but never touched me.

When i was 14 i was raped i remember it like it was yesterday. The pain i felt the fear everything. I remember my attacker and how we met. I still have nightmares about that night.

When i was 16 i was raped again by a different man this time. Same thing i remember everything about that night and how we met and who introduced us.

At 16 i also lost my best friend suddenly. I knew she was sick she would always tell me how it felt like she was breathing through a straw. She went to docter after docter and they couldnt find out what was wrong. she was due to have surgery to see if they could find out what was wrong with her. But one day in March she got up said she felt fine she went to take a shower and shortly after her mom found her on the bathroom floor already gone.

I was molested several times through out my teenage years as well. I remember the guys that did it. The first time i was 14 and the guy was 16 i was introduced to him by my best friend. We went for a walk he cornered me in a bathroom at a school play ground pulled down my pants and said he had a bet with his friend to see who's pants he could get down first mine or my best friends. Then after that he had the nerve to call me at home and tell me not to tell any one but ofcorse i did.

I remember through out my child hood how my brother and dad would break out in to a fist fight in my room. If i threatened to call the cops they would chase me down and grab the phone she i couldnt call. My mom never new i never told her the horror of all those fights.

When i was 18 i met and married my first hubby. The day i married him is the day i left him and divorced him. If i would have stayed i have no doubt in my mind that he would have killed me that night if i didnt leave. He cheated on and gave me an STD.

When i was 20 i met my second hubby we split for about two weeks then got back together. We dated for about 6 months then we got married  and just a few short months after that i gave birth to my son. Two years into our marriage he had an affair i was going to leave him then but decided to stay and try to work it out i'm glad i did because i would have my daughter other wise. We were married for 6 years then divorced because according to him he fell out of love with me. We tried to reconsile but that didnt work either cause i couldnt trust him not to cheat again even if he told me he wouldnt because he didnt want to lose me.

Two weeks before my son's 3rd birthday he fell into our appartment complex pool and seeing him lay there face down struggling for air brought flash backs bakc from when i saw  my best friend drawn. I froze in fear i couldnt get near the water thank god i had a friend with me that day that was able to pull him out it haunts me every day that i froze in fear and couldnt be my sons hero.

I am now 27 will be 28 in july and i am just now dealing with all of my demons its scarey and i'm afraid that there is so much more that i have hidden inside. She says she thinks i can be saved and i can be happy again and find happyness in a relationship again. She said she will help me with my insecuritys and my trust issues. I hope shes right so i can finally be the mom my kids deserve. Thanks to all that have gotten this far. It's time i let it go and face my demons and typing this has really helped me. So thanks if you read it.

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Jan. 24, 2011 at 7:20 PM

You have had a bit of a rough road missy but there is always hope for a better tomorrow. Stay with the therapy and ask her to help you with coping skills as well, they are so very important and I doubt anyone has helped you cultivate that skill in your life. I believe that is one of the best foundations of therapy! If you know how not to hide when challenges come your way, you feel strong, then stronger and stronger as you not only deal with issues but overcome them and realize you are OK still! Focus on those who give you love and who love you. If you don't know how to love yourself completely, look at why others love you and realize it is inside you and hang on to the beauty they see until you see it yourself! Lots of luck to you and Big HUGS!!

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