I just finished off a gotta have it sized portion of cake batter ice cream mixed with a browinie, oreos, graham cracker crust and caramel while laying in the bed watching youtube. Believe it or not I am not HUGE but when I look in the mirror I am disgusted. Dont get me wrong my face is beautiful but that which follows it makes me change clothes 3 and 4 times before I find something that will just have to do. I have never ever had body image issues or low self esteem until after I had my babies. I ran track, was on marching band, a dancer and on the step team. I ate bojangles every single day in college and was a size 7 and stayed that way. I would go to the gym and workout because I wanted to not because I had to. Now I go to the gym for hours trying so hard to get that body back I use to have. Then when I have a hard day or my kids r sick or because it is saturday I slip and say one bowl would not hurt. Now I am a size 11 but my waist is a 38....My husband says I am the sexiest thing alive to him and I respond "yeah right, you need to get your eyes checked"

So why am I writing this journal...not because I am complaining but because I never give up on anything else I have done why am I giving up on me. I am always there for others and made it through so many other difficult times in my life then loosing weight and being a healthier me should not be a problem. But there must be something in my head that keeps holding me back because I am so active now but exercise is not the problem, food is. So I am going to write until it finally breaks for me what keeps holding me back. What makes me look in the mirror and call myself names, what makes me wear a girdle each and every day, what keeps me up on a saturday night with the blues.

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