Happiest Memories....

[Missikat75]

Other than the day my son was born of course....

  When I was a little girl we were poor.
  Not the kind of poor that allows you to still have cable television, a phone or electricity but the real kind where there is no food in the fridge, no hot water.  That kind of poor.
  It was just mom and me...together, battling the world.
  I didn't realize my mother was an alcoholic and that was why we were so poor, in fact, I didn't really realize that we were.  I guess I just thought that we lived differently than others and this is how we lived.

  I rejoiced in her making me bologna sandwiches for lunch and dinner, her letting me eat chocolate cake one time for breakfast (because it was the ONLY food in the house) and occassionally having oranges or apples in the fridge.
  When she was in a playful mood, she'd let me put on her make-up and we'd make funny faces at each other and she'd chase me around the house...always letting me get ahead of her so I could hide then she'd come to find me, wrapping me in a hug.  The smell of her perfume and a tinge of alcohol from last nights drinks. 
  There were beer bottles with gnats that would fly in and out of the bottles if you moved them...I found watching them fascinating.  The summer sun playing off the brown glass of the bottles.
  On warm summer days when I'd go outside our little home I would sit under the slide of the swingset that my grandparents bought me.  It was my pride and joy..white with rainbow swirls wrapping around it!
  I had the only one like it on the whole block!
  Underneth my slide (my hideout....) I had put stickers of kitty-cats and I would stare at them, dreaming of the one day that I would get to have a cat of my very own.  Sometimes, the neighbor's cat, Whiskey would come over and I sit with him for hours...stroking and petting his soft grey-striped fur.
  I would just sit there listening to him purr and feel him kneading my shirt.  I was content and so was he.   So many times I had wished that he was mine.
  Somedays, me and my mom would take a walk down "our favorite road"...it was a road that went along side of a river and it was lined with Mulberry trees and sweet, little homes.  Ducks would come up to us and we'd feed them bread that we'd bring along.
   
    Those are some of my favorite memories...I guess they are touched with a bit of shame at the poverty we had.  The regret that she hadn't been a better mother but also with the knowledge that on certain days she really had tried.  When I was nine she gave me to my grandmother, so I could live with her.
  She knew her drinking/substance abuse was too much for her to handle and raise me...she was selfless that day.  And I thank her for that...for that reason, I admire my mother.
  She knows her faults and limitations but she still tries to rise above them and do better...that inspires me as a mother.

[Mommyx2BG]

Jan. 30, 2011 at 10:40 PM Your story brought tears to my eyes. How is your mother doing?

[Missikat75]

Jan. 30, 2011 at 10:44 PM

She relapses now and then and sadly everytime I try to get close to her...start to phone her or text et cet...she pulls away.  Then latter apologizes for doing so, she makes plans with me than breaks them.
I've come to understand that she's more of a selfish person due in part to her substance abuse but at the same time it's made me aware of what I DON'T want to be in a parent.
Thank-You for Asking!

Hugs!

(Original Poster)

[hazgreen360]

Jan. 31, 2011 at 12:53 AM

applause>>>>>>>>>    thanks for story    >>>>>>>  See this is positive thinking Thinking Out side   the box..  appraises

[Babylove76]

Jan. 31, 2011 at 1:25 AM

Great post....*wiping a tear away*.....I absolutely loved it! You should write a book about it. This is just beautiful. I hope some day you and your mom can reconcile. God bless

[saltycoqui]

Jan. 31, 2011 at 10:41 AM

Thanks for sharing that. Your mom did the right thing and I have to admire that decision too. Hugs!

[mrssundin]

Jan. 31, 2011 at 11:01 AM

[mtnmama111]

Jan. 31, 2011 at 11:30 AM

thank you.. that gives me hope for forgiveness for whatever I may need it for lol from my children. Beautiful post.

[Missikat75]

Feb. 1, 2011 at 6:18 PM

WOW!
Thank-You ALL for responding so positively to my Journal post.
I (actually) have been thinking about writing a book about my childhood.
Kind of a form of cathartic therapy/healing.

(Original Poster)