I've been thinking a lot about rape lately.  12 years ago I was raped by a friend of my x's.  I've been thinking about how humiliating it was and why it was so humiliating.  It took a long time to get over it and be functional again.  I know it still affects many aspects of my life. 

While undergoing counseling, I told my therapist something that I thought was unique and crazy and had only happened to me.  I had an orgasm while being raped.  Not only was I tied and beaten, but my body betrayed me.  I did not want this man.  I was not attracted to this man.  How could this have happened?  I've never heard of anything like this happening to anyone before. 

But it had.  Not in all cases, but some.  I learned a lot about my body that day.  Sex is supposed to feel good.  It's a physical thing.  It's almost too humiliating to even write about.  But I feel like there are those out there that need to read it.  I think that this is why a lot of rapes go unreported.  Not only we betrayed by an acquaintance or a stranger, but also by our own bodies. 

The man was arrested and tried but not for a long time (It took over a year).  He had done this before and I didn't want him to get away with it again, so I testified against him.  Just looking at him humiliated me beyond belief.  He knew...He knew and the memory of it made him smile.  I have no idea how I made it through that trial. I did manage it and he was put away for 14 years.  I think he's up for parole in May.  I guess that's what brought all this up again. 

Anyway, what I most wanted to say, is that if you were raped, and even if you didn't report it, you should get some help and talk about it.  You are not the only one. 

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 10:50 AM

HUG!!! I completely understand. I was rape 6 years ago and my body betrayed me too. I orgasmed 3 times. I have resisted typing that before. I only did once before and then quickly deleted it. I think it adds to the shame and guilt us victims/survivors feel. I am glad to hear that he got jail time though. That is great.

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 11:13 AM

It's the one part of a rape that no one ever talks about.  And it's really a shame.  We, as women, tend to attach so much emotion to sex.  That's what makes is so hard for us to deal with.  Once I understood that it's normal for our bodies to respond a certain way and that sometimes we can't control it, I was more able to put this behind me.  I'm not over it completely, I don't think I ever will be.  But that's ok.  It's part of who I am today and I refuse to let it keep me down. 

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 11:35 AM

Thank you for sharing. I hope this helps others to realize they did nothing wrong and they need not be ashamed. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 11:39 AM I admire u Keithgirl722, and I know u r brave n u will do ur best to forget all that. Do u still live in the city where that happened? If so, have u considered moving out?

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 11:46 AM

I have moved.  Not entirely because of this but I'm sure it did influence my decision.  I continue to monitor the Sexual Offender web site for that area and of course for the area in which I live now, but I will live my life without looking over my shoulder constantly.  I have learned so many things over the years.

I could give a seminar on how not to be a victim. 

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 11:59 AM

You are brave! Im sure your post will help many women! Thank you for speaking out!

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 2:16 PM

THank you for sharing I'm sure it was very hard for you but you have helped someone I'm sure by doing so.

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 2:29 PM

I know that had to be very hard to share; you probably have no idea how many woman you just helped by your post- You are a Strong & Brave Lady............ i hope you continue to heal & help others with your Bravery- Thanks for posting a extremely powerful message- Take Care

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 3:37 PM

I am so sorry this happened to you, but I completely understand.  I was in court on my 17th birthday, and it was humiliating and just plain awful.  I had 16 years of abuse and no help.  I do understand why people don't report things.  The opposing attourney will tear you apart on the stand, and it's hard to decide you would be able to take it.  There are many aspects to rape that people don't think about or talk about and orgasms are only a part of that.  There are parts to it that most people never completely recover from.  I am 60 years old now and at times, things happen that make me feel like I am right back in that situation.  You are very brave to post your story.  It will get easier again after you adjust that his parole hearing is coming.  But expect to have some issues for a while.  Hugs and prayers

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Feb. 18, 2011 at 9:58 PM

I'm sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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