I've been thinking a lot about rape lately. 12 years ago I was raped by a friend of my x's. I've been thinking about how humiliating it was and why it was so humiliating. It took a long time to get over it and be functional again. I know it still affects many aspects of my life.
While undergoing counseling, I told my therapist something that I thought was unique and crazy and had only happened to me. I had an orgasm while being raped. Not only was I tied and beaten, but my body betrayed me. I did not want this man. I was not attracted to this man. How could this have happened? I've never heard of anything like this happening to anyone before.
But it had. Not in all cases, but some. I learned a lot about my body that day. Sex is supposed to feel good. It's a physical thing. It's almost too humiliating to even write about. But I feel like there are those out there that need to read it. I think that this is why a lot of rapes go unreported. Not only we betrayed by an acquaintance or a stranger, but also by our own bodies.
The man was arrested and tried but not for a long time (It took over a year). He had done this before and I didn't want him to get away with it again, so I testified against him. Just looking at him humiliated me beyond belief. He knew...He knew and the memory of it made him smile. I have no idea how I made it through that trial. I did manage it and he was put away for 14 years. I think he's up for parole in May. I guess that's what brought all this up again.
Anyway, what I most wanted to say, is that if you were raped, and even if you didn't report it, you should get some help and talk about it. You are not the only one.
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