Alright here goes..




Well lately it seems that my life has been through a huge whirlwind of terrible events. I had such a bad year last year and was so hoping for like the best year of my life for 2011. haha not at all! well first let me fill ya in on what's happened so you might understand a little better if you're reading this..




In 2010 I brought in the new year sitting at home with my kids. Didn't get to go out and do anything because I didn't have a car or a babysitter. Oh well!..I got to hear about my sister bitching about my mom being down there with her and throwing a pitty party or something. (my mom had been staying with my grandma) She wanted to party for the new year. Well she did. I talked to her on the phone. She was griping about how bad my sister and the others at her house treated her and how she wanted to go back to my grandmothers house but couldn't get a ride. Our conversation ended in an arguement I think..then my sister texted me and was talking bad about her and I was being ignorant and told her that if she kept acting like that then she did need to go home. well come to find out, she had been on pills (like the bad ones) since she had gotten down there, and had been in and out for a few days. one of those days that she was out of it was when she called me. and God how I wish I wouldn't have argued with her. I still feel so guilty for it. I was mean and didn't know what happened would actually happen. A few days after they brought in the new year together, I woke up and went to pee..I had my phone sitting on the sink while I was doing my business. well my brother texted me..and hell broke loose..I opened it..and screamed!! it read, "Mom's gone honey I'm sorry." God how I wish that could've been an April Fools trick, it would've been a terrible one but anything but the reality. I just broke down and started screaming, went and jumped back in bed and cried my eyes out. I couldn't catch my breath to tell my boyfriend what had happened. I scared him to death..My kids didn't know what was going on either, all they seen was mommy crying hysterically and repeating "no, mommy. mommy." over and over. I truely felt I was going insane. that was the day my world felt like it ended and I have felt like I've been on auto pilot since..I was getting a millon phone calls and texts but I knew I couldn't do anything but scream and cry. So I made Will, my boyfriend, talk to everyone. My dad told me what he heard had happened. He and my mom were divorced when I was 6 or 7. but my uncle had been more like a father to me and he lived there so he called and he was calm about it and he told me what happened. I won't go into much detail but she had overdosed on Morphine pills that my brother had given her. He gave her 9 but they only found 1 in the pill bottle that was with her. I don't know what brought her to this point to leave her family that loved her so much behind. But she did. I was the baby of three kids, I'm only 22 now. I never ever in this world imagined that I would have to bury my mom at such a young age. She would have been 50 last May. I needed her the most since I moved out on my own and raising two autistic kids alone, with no guide. It's terrible! But that's just the beginning of my terrible year...




We all met and planned the funeral for my mom.My sister was trying to explain how she looked when she went to wake her up, and it was just too vivid to describe in a vent. To this day I still have the image in my mind. She was the one who found her and she was a momma's girl too. I feel so bad for her. She lived with her for ever. And I moved out when I was 17. but,  I sang to her for the last time. She loved to hear me sing I did. and to this day it's been hard to sing any song that I sang with her. Music hurts these days. It was the hardest thing I had to do besides telling her goodbye..Alot of her family and friends came, we had a hard time getting a down payment and burial site and all of that for her, but luckily her sister chipped in. Everyone was crying and saying how beautiful she was laying there in her casket, We did our thing and was rushed out of the chapel by the funeral director..I have to say that MANES FUNERAL HOME in NEW PORT TN, is the worst place ever to have a funeral. They're too expensive, they don't do a good job, and they rush you out of your loved ones last day with you..I do not recommend them.




We burried her and said a prayer, everyone was standing around for a little while, I was fighting back the tears as everyone was consoling me. I try to be strong as young as I am but sometimes it bottles up and makes you burst.. I haven't got to mourn completely because I wont allow myself, and my time alone to think is once in a blue moon. I'm constantly taking care of my kids needs (both are autistic, and I'll get to them in a minute)




Well a few months went past and honestly I don't remember alot of them. I think my brain tried to block out that year...




It was tax time, my family thought they were getting a lot of money back and of course had big plans for it. my brother was throwing a pitty party one night and we were texting together and he was saying stuff like "i feel like such a burden, which makes it easier for me to do what i gotta do" so here I am, mom just dies, and a month later my brothers talking suicidal. yay! what a life..So while I'm textin him i'm looking up the number to call. I told him I loved him so much and that he was like a daddy to me because he had to quit school and take care of me with my mom after my dad left. I don't know if that made it worse or not. But like I said, I found the number and called them. They weren't much of a help because he wasn't right there beside me, now how would I been able to pull that off? someone threatening suicide isn't going to sit there and let me call and get them help...they told me to hang up and call 911. so I did, they ask me what was going on and I told them the situation and they said they would send someone out to check on him for me and give me a call back. his last text to me was, "i'm so sorry honey." and that's when I went ballistic. I called them back and they said they were out there at my grandmothers house. My brother texted me back and said " I didn't mean right now honey, but thanks for sending the cops out to my house." I felt terrible but at the same time I was furious that he would talk like that.. So I called my aunt that lives up there near him and sent her over to see what happened. She called me when she left and said that the cops showed up and asked who he was and he told them and they said we were just wanting to check on you and make sure you weren't trying to hurt yourself. and my brother told them that everything was alright and that he was trying to put my grandmother to bed....I couldn't believe it!! I was soo mad! I just started crying and didn't want to confront him about right then. so I just went to bed and prayed that nothing would happen. The next day he called me and told me he was sorry and understood that I was scared for him and didn't want to lose him. AND get this...That he was talking about after my grandmother died, he was gonna do it then. I told him he was gonna put me in the nut house before I turned 23. but atleast he appoligized.. a few days later I went to visit them. It was so hard because I could tell my grandma was upset. She told me he had been partying with this underage girl next door up there. I was pissed at him and told him about it. He had been smoking meth with this little girl, the girl was a slut. She used guys she met for money and pills...nasty. anyways I can't remember why he moved back in with my sister but he did. I think it was because my grandmother couldn't afford to live where they were and had to move in with her daughter...anyways I went to visit them down at my sisters house (which was a hell hole, thanks to a crappy landlord) My brother was a gay guy, he wasn't a flamer or a queen, just a normal, sweet, down to earth guy, that got mixed in with the wrong people. He had a boyfriend down at my sisters house that lived nearby. he was young, typical immature guy. I spent most of my time in my brothers room with him and his boyfriend while I was down there, for some reason, and now I know soul was lettin me spend a little extra time with him. Some how the subject we were talking about changed over to bugs, Their house was infested with bugs, it was terrible and I knew how bad my brother hated bugs. A bug crawled somewhere in the room we were in and the boy was talking about and I could see the embarrassment in my brothers face. I felt terrible for him, and the boy said "yeah they're so bad down here that they will come out in daylight and crawl up your leg" Which by the way wasn't true or I wouldn't let them live down there like that..My brother wanted out of there. he told me that everyone had been stealing from him while he was asleep or passed out, which yeah I would believe it. The people that came in and out of that place were scum. Users..I couldn't stand being down there and some pill head woulld come around looking for stuff. I would have to leave. Or when they were on them theirselves. Nothing worse than than tryin to have a conversation with someone that's passing out and acting like they're just tired. god!! I always argued with my mom because she would act like she didn't get any sleep in a week. I told them that I wasn't born yesterday and I was smarter than they thought. Anyways I lived in a camper in a campground and couldn't get away from the stuff I was going through then so I couldn't help my brother. He wanted out of there sooo bad.




He had gotten into a pain clinic..thanks to my uncle for bashing him in the back of the neck and splitting that main artery back there on thanksgiving night. How fun? My family was very disoriented but they were the best I could have ask for. Anyways..he got prescribed roxys, oxys and something else for his pain. Well he was an abuser as well. but he had a high tolerance for them. He could take so many pills that if I tried to do that I would have died right then and there. He was supposed to sell the ones that he didn't really need and go buy him a car and had all these plans for the money. We were supposed to go out to Knoxville and go clubbing together. I lended him some money for something until he could go to the pain clinic and I was waiting one day at his house- he lived with my sister at the time (how ironic?) I hadn't really wanted to go down to visit since my mom passed away in the house they lived in. But I did that one day. I had to stay out side but I was there. It seemed like it took my brother forever to get back and I had a headache and wanted to leave. But thanks GOD I didn't leave that day. I waited on my brother to get back. My sister got a call from someone to go pick up my brother because he was unconscious and wouldn't wake it takes her forever to go get him and come back and once they did come back I was happy, until I seen them pull sister was in the back of the van holding my brothers head. I figured oh great he's f**ked up again..this should be fun getting him to wake up..they opened the door on the van and i heard Sis yelling someone call 911 he's not breathing right..I walked over thinking she was just over exageratting because she was tore up soon as I looked at him I got my phone and called 911! He was blue from head to toe. I tried to stay calm while talking to the operater and she said I did a great job, I had to get him out of the van and onto the ground. Luckily my uncle was there. He and my brother in law got him out and laid him on the ground infront of me. I was in shock that he looked so scary. It truely tramatized me. I performed rescue breaths and CPR on him until the paramedics arrived, which was a lovely 38 mins. I was pissed off because everyone was standing around yelling "someone help him" so I was cursing everyone out. I lost him a few times but I breathed my soul into him with everything I had in me. I was soooo scared but no one else would help me. I felt like they thought that since he was gay he was nasty or something. I didn't give a damn. He was my brother and I would have done anything in this world for him to stay with me. My uncle took over the rescue breaths for me when he seen that I was becoming exhausted and overwhelmed with the fact that no one was helping and help wasn't coming soon enough. He was barely breathing by the time they did arrive. I knew when I seen him that he was gonna have brain damage from not breathing for so long on his own. His clothes were soaked and I thought it was sweat or something until someone told me that an asshole by the name of DANNY ALLISON..squirted him in the face with a water hose while he was unconcious!! Oh man I could have killed that man. Turned out he was talking crap about my brother while he laid there dying. Said he ought to have kicked him while he was down and he didn't care as long as he got his pills or money..ooohhh I haven't seen that man since before this stuff but I will never ever forget what he did. Karma is a bitch..




They put him in the hospital and didn't bother to check his belongings.-Good job- *Notice the sarcasm* He got his stomach pumped and he had so many narcotics in his system BUT...He didn't get his prescription filled yet..So someone *Danny* had to loan him some pills until he got out of the doctors office...hmm..wish I could sue but I can't. that's where the whole ordeal with him letting him pass out and laughin about it and telling my sister to come get him before he booted him out of his truck. Well I get through to my brother in the hospital. he's talking like he's okay..wait a he's not talking like he's alright. I'm sitting here talkin to him and he just kept repeating the same stuff over and over. I would answer and questions he had and 5 mins later he would ask them again. My heart sank...I told my bf that he was definately going to have some kind of brain damage because of the lack of oxygen to his brain while he was unconscious. I told him to talk to whoever was over him down there since I wasn't able to make it down there. I tried to get whoever was over him to call me but they said that they wasn't able to due to the fact that my brother denied my knowing of his current condition. I knew right then that he had something wrong with him and that he didn't want his baby sister to know so she wouldn't worry about it. While I was on the phone with him I heard him trying to get his jeans. He asked me why they were cut open. and I told him the story again..and then he looked in his pocket and sure enough there was a roxycodone. I made him promise me he wouldn't take it and he did anyway..I chewed him out and 5 mins passed and it was the same stuff again. They dismissed him later that day and my ex went to get him with my sister. My ex said that as soon as he walked through his door my brother said "Justin, man they just keep bringing me back" I wanted to cry when he told me that. But they took him to get his prescription filled (stupid right?) and sure enough he snorted them on the dash as soon as he got out of the pharmacy. I didn't know about any of this until it was all over with..Obviously everyone was wanting to celebrate that he was alive, but no "thanks honey, I love you" or anything from me. two days went by things seemed calm. My sister texted me saying they were gonna have a cook out and was at the store going to get some food while my brother was at his bfs house. well turns out his bfs mommy was down there and she's a- well everything in the book, I wont go all out naming stuff but yep when I see her again, I might go to jail. She took advantage of my brothers memory problem. She kept asking to split a roxy or something with him...and those things add up. They were mixing them with a few other things I think. And I think this was all before my sister went to the store, *the bi**H* sister had to get her bf to go down to their house and bring bro back home to see what he wanted to eat at the cook out that he wanted to throw. He was too out of it to go to the store so he sat on the couch and watched tv with his bf. well my sister went to the store and came back and she said he didn't look good. he had been sitting in the same place as he was when she left. my uncle checked his pulse and it was barely there. his lips were purple and his head was hung sideways. they called the cops and they came out and took him to the hospital...Unfortuantly he died on the way there. they tried to bring him back but it was too late..




I got the phone call that night once they called us to come identify the body. I wanted to go be my sisters support but I didn't get to. I think my sister and my uncle david did it. I couldn't drive out there. the toxicology report came back with over 5 substances in his system. all were mixed and caused him to die.




I don't know why either of them did it but I know i've thought about it so I could go be with them, and then I thought of all the people that I would hurt. I'm young and my life is just beginning. I've been through soo much more than this between last june and now. but that'll come in another vent..thanks so much for reading. Maybe I'll write a book.




everyday 70 people die from accidental over someone's life.



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Apr. 1, 2011 at 8:04 PM

wow, I am so sorry. and yes, you should be an advocate for this ongoing problem that seems to be spreading like wild fires. Don't give up on life especially if you have little ones, history will just repeat itself.

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Apr. 1, 2011 at 11:09 PM Hey I read your whole story and there was alot in there I didn't know. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I know it was hard. I think about you alot and Brandi too and I'm just so proud of you for being as strong as you are. I'm glad you didn't get caught up in that world of drugs and I'm glad you're so smart. Dont ever consider takin your life cuz you have alot to offer the world. You'll get to see your mom and brother again but you wanna get there the right way. And I know that suicides are the hardest because they always leave you wandering but there was nothing you could've done Alicia. You let them know you loved them and tried your best to be strong for everyone but you can't do it all. They needed to be strong for themselves and they just couldn't do it. I am sorry that you had to go through that and wish you didn't because you're a great sweet person. I'm here for you no matter what and I love you.

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