Melissa...'s Journal

Grief of Losing My Husband

I had a dream about you last night, but this one was not so good. I dreamed that you were dying, and I was trying to get you to the hospital. Fair enough, but here's where it gets weird. I was trying to carry you. Not only you though, but also all three kids and all of our worldly possessions.

I was trying to run because I knew I had to get there fast, but I couldn't run fast enough. You were dying, and I couldn't stop it. The kids were just forced to sit there and watch, then I just started dropping everything.

What a crap dream. I've been feeling a little better lately, now this is just setting me off. What the heck does it mean??? Obviously I feel guilty about your death and not being able to save you. That's a given. Did I have the dream though because I'm SUPPOSED to feel guilty? Did you somehow send it to me as a sign that I shouldn't be feeling better yet???

I know, I know...I'm reading into it too much, but I can't help it. Sometimes I just feel bad for feeling ok, you know? I mean I know everyone grieves differently, but it hasn't even been a year yet since you've died. People still look at me like I should be curled up in a ball crying. Don't get me wrong. Some days I am, but most of the time, I'm just ok.

It doesn't mean I love you any less, and it sure doesn't mean I've forgotten about you or that I don't care, but most of the time I AM ok.  Should I be feeling bad about that??? I'm just not sure yet. From now on if you visit my dreams can you please, please make them happy? Love you!!


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Apr. 3, 2011 at 1:17 PM


That had to be a rough dream! Let it go... I don't think anything like this would come from Tim after what all you have shared about him with all of us!

Everyday you can breathe life into your 3 kids by L-I-V-I-N-G is another day you honor Tim and y'all's love for one another!

Sweet dreams Melissa... you deserve them sister!

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Apr. 7, 2011 at 7:55 AM

It sounds like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders and you couldn't bear it all, which is why you started dropping things, because you are only human and not super human. You couldn't save Tim, that was out of your hands and that is why the kids were 'forced' to watch him die. This is your brain's way of working things out and dealing with the stress you were under. You need to realize that you are not a super woman, you cannot hold everything together and you can't blame yourself for not being able to fix Tim or save him. You are only human, stop blaming yourself and start healing. Destress and relax, let some of that 'stuff' DROP off you just like in the dream.

That's what I get out of it.

And yes, it's ok to be "OK". Be happy. I believe Tim would have wanted you to be happy, don't you?

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Apr. 7, 2011 at 5:35 PM

don't feel guilty for feeling ok... u need to feel ok, ok to be happy and to move on with ur kids. ok so u can be strong for urself and ur beautiful kids. life is hard enough the way it is, don't give urself a guilt trip. no need to, the grief u carry is hard enough. <3

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