A Walk in My Shoes

Taking it One Step at a Time..

I should consider myself lucky I suppose.  My husband has a job, he doesn't drink or do drugs, he doesn't beat me, and he doesn't run around on me. 

The only thing he does, the only addiction he has is his computer.  He plays World of War Craft.  At first, I didn't mind.  I figured that he worked hard and deserved some down time to just relax.  But now as the days go by, it's all he wants to do anymore.

At the beginning of the year he had told me he was going to work with me and try to lose weight.  Ha, that lasted a whole 2 weeks...everything was too hard for him.  He is too tired, he has a headache, or he is too old for this stuff he would tell me.  He is 39 years old.

Even though I told him that his weight concerns me, he just didn't seem to care.  I eventually just gave up on the idea of us exercising together.  And I am mentally preparing myself for his early funeral. 

The last few months for me have been very depressing.  I get up, work with my son on his studies, (he is homeschooled) clean house and start dinner.  Then after dinner I clean up again, look over my sons school work, watch some TV, and go to bed.  Its all pretty routine...pretty boring.  We don't even have sex anymore unless I initiate it; which that doesn't happen a lot because most of the time I am just too tired from running the household all day.

Every once in a while I start making a fuss and he tells me I am right...then springs for a family trip to the park.  He acts like father of the year till I calm down and then goes back to his computer.

Lately, I have become a little ruder about things.  I told him basically that I feel like a single mom with extra baggage.  I told him he needs a better job than McDonalds and he knows it. But because he is so lazy; I will have to take on a job, as well as home school our son and cook, clean and do all those wifely things I do.  I told him just don't worry about it.  I have it handled.

So lately I have been out looking for a job, and not having much luck...I have been cooking and cleaning, taking my son to the park and keeping up with his school work.  My husband still sits at his computer.

Today though, after I cleaned out the car he took me to get a soda and he asked me why I am doing all this stuff.  I told him he isn't the man I married 15 years ago.  That the man I married hated being home and loved living life.  I told him that the man I married had dreams of showing his son the world, and making sure that he grows up to be a strong and independent man who stands up for what is right and for what he believes.  I told him that is the man I fell in love with, but that man died...and left you.

When we got home my son was in his room, lying nude on the bed playing Wii and wanting me to get him a snack and drink because he didn't feel like getting up.  This didn't go over well...I told him to get off his ass and get outside and play.  I went out with him and we started playing zombie swords.  Not to much after that my husband came out to join us.  It was nice to have him there.  He even mentioned going to the park tomorrow after he gets off work...but is he just doing this out of guilt, or does he really want to join us?

I am trying so hard to be little Mrs. Susie Homemaker, and be the perfect wife.  Every day I am thinking up new things to do and try to get my husband back....It's really hard though.  I mean one part of me wants to get all dolled up for him, cuz I don't know when the last time he saw me in anything but bleach stained sweats and a large T-shirt was.  The other part of me wants to go psycho and get rid of the computer, TV, and game systems.  Make both my son and him see that there is more to life than electronics. 

Does this happen in every marriage?  Does all the romance just fizzle out after so much time?  Does ones sense of adventure just one day disappear never to be seen or heard f again?  Isn't there more to life than just hard work and hard times?  If so...If that is all there is; what's the point of living?

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