**Warning this blog or whatever you want to call it will probably be a little bit all over the place. I'm not a writer and usually have a hard time putting my thoughts in an understandable order.  I tend to ramble on.**

You would think that at 37 I would know what I really wanted to with my life, what I am passionate about. Well, I don't. I feel like I have lived in a bit of a fog and just let life happen without any real directing by me.  Not all has been bad or just not good. I married a good man and have a beautiful little boy. But I've never truly tried to pursue something that would make me happy. I am one that got caught up too much with what others thought of me rather than focusing on what God thought of me and what plan he had designed for me. I lost whatever real self confidence I had in myself when I was pretty young. One of the only few times I tried to do what I thought I wanted was when I first went off to college right out of high school. Thought I was going get a degree in ranch management. Yes, I was the typical girl that loves horses and I still am. But I was not raised with horses so, I had no business thinking that is what I was going to do with my life. Not because it was an impossible dream but because I wasn't even ready for college. But I went that particular college against the advice of those I should have listened to. My parents went into debt to pay for it and I didn't even last a year. So, I returned home to take whatever job the temp agency could find me. After 3 or 4 short jobs they found me a place that hired me on permanent. I got stuck in the healthcare industry out of necessity of a job. I've never hated my job but I've never truly enjoyed it either. I went to school part time after a few years out of my first trip to college and found that I like art. I took a few classes and discovered I wasn't too bad. But I ended up dropping out due to my move in the next section.

The only other time I've taken a risk is when I decided to move to a new city and state without a job lined up. I had a friend who let me stay with her when I moved until I found a job. I tried something I thought would be exciting but ended up hating and then I landed a good job, again in the healthcare industry. I'm still in the healthcare industry but on the insurance side. I make good money although you wouldn't know because of the stupid mistakes I've made to get me into debt. That's 18 years in the same vein of work and have never been excited about it.  I'm ready for something new but have NO IDEA what I want to do or even how to figure it out.

This past year my pastor spoke on vocation verses occupation. That really got me to thinking. I have done a lot of searching of the internet for home based business or home based jobs or something that would get me out of my current line of work but still be able to pay me close to what I was making but of course only found a bunch crap. Nothing fit me. But when my pastor spoke on vocation and what it meant as to oppose to occupation I realized I was not going to find what I was looking for on the internet. My pastor recently wrote a book about things that have happened in our church a few years back and how a lot of people in the church found what they were passionate about and found a way to make a living from it and used it also to benefit missions. Again I'm inspired. Problem, I have no idea what my vocation is or even what I'm really truly passionate about. I am so moved by the stories of others that have found that "something" but then I'm just as frustrated that I haven't found mine. Yeah, I'm feeling the green eyed monster a bit. BUT I want to learn how to find my "something."  So, this is why I'm here. My church will be going through the 48 days in May. I'm excited about it but I'm also nervous.

So, where do I begin? What do I do? I'm seriously at a loss.

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